my orange sunset dream

Last night I dreamt of the most beautiful orange sunset ever.  In my dream, I was on top of a building/rooftop/ in someones backyard somewhere it must have been East L.A. because i could see a fiery orange sun setting on Downtown L.A. and all the highrises that i know to be Downtown.  It was beautiful.  The sky burned a bright orange with a pale orange background.  The orange sky was intense, like none I can imagine ever viewing.  It was so beautiful.  The sun blazed a hot orange circle in the sky.  I remember meanwhile  I was writing a letter to him, describing this sunset, and describing the overwhelming painful loneliness I felt in that moment.  I was distracted by my own unexplainable feelings; feelings of sadness, non-belongingness, not-knowingness, a confused heartache of wondering "Where am I?  And why am I so sad?"  I could not bear it i could not finish writing.  After a while the sky faded from orange to gray and black and blue- and I saw the building far away lit up and downtown in all its majesty... nothing can be a more beautiful sight to witness than that.

I woke up with a heartache and longing that i can not fully describe.  I would interpret this dream as a sort of goodbye to tha beautiful memories of him and me in L.A. A sad tribute kind of memory dedicated to the spirituality I found and the beauty i experienced during those years and the tragedy I barely just finally escaped.  It makes me sad to know that he didn't.  We're both on our own journey, our own path now.  I don't want to look back.  We both gotta do what we gotta do- and understand that our paths have split.

If I could bear to write the words i'd tell him that i love him although not as actively as before, definitely will never change what we had.  He's the reason I stopped using and my reason for staying clean, besides for myself and to better myself. But he's the reason I go hard and am on this self-improvement self-love journey.  He pushed me to it.  He showed me who I wanted to be and i would tell him thank you. and i think it broke his heart to see me leave.  But i know in my heart he wants me to be happy and i want tha same for him always.  For me- it was never about owning him- it was always about loving him and always having his best interests at heart.  I'd tell him that its not goodbye, just a to be continued.