a recording of dreams, February edition

Feb. 1:  I dreamed I was at some maritime port during the daytime...it looked like a grand junkyard on the edge of a river.  I walked to the river's edge.  I see a boat with students and a male guide.  I try to jump onto the boat as it is receding from the waters.  But some gravitational force would not allow me to jump forward.  Finally I do.  I didn't want to splash on the water with all the stuff I was carrying with me.  The travels only a short distance further before overturning.  Then upright again as the guide laughs loudly. 

Feb. 13:  I dreamt I was on a raft going down a beautiful river.  I was river rafting with some kids my age.  We see beautiful drips of water from above.  The raft turned around at a waterfall.  I met my cat.

Feb. 14.:  Dream #1- I woke up in a home in the middle of the night.  It is really really dark but a white moonlight is illuminated every room.  I realize I am in Lynette's house.  There is a creepy feeling.  I shower in the dark, hoping the sound of the running water doesn't wake up my beloved Lynette.  I hope she isn't alarmed by the noise.  The feeling of dread is cast over the house, like it is haunted and i am being watched by unseen eyes.

Dream#2- I couldn't open my gym locker.  Then a guy walks by, and gives me a compliment, but it was creepy.  I finally opened the locker.  A beautiful gyaru decorated phone was inside, and i happily claimed it as mine.  I also find old Sanrio stuff in the locker.  Then I see Jeffrey Kim with his son, a small boy.  He's excited to see me.  We dance to Grease (Grease is the word) with my brother Peter.  I woke up like, what theeeee!  Random dream, man.

Feb. 17:  I dreamed I was in an old van speeding up the highway with a girl... i don't know who it was but she was white.  The van was heating up and about to break down.  I remember feeling really anxious and hoping to escape soon.  We may have been on the run.   Then we are cruising down Sherman Way to a casino.  Once we get to the huge casino, I took her up to our room and we made love.  Well, it was more like a really passionate, rushed hook-up.  Weird how I always have these sexual dreams with women- when I don't consider myself bisexual at all. 

Dream#2- Then I was at a uptown salon in the UK in a dimmed room getting a full treatment.  I was something like Amy's salon.  I got a wax and a relaxing massage on a bed.  It was and felt reem.  Lol.  Felt lovely.  Afterwards dream #3 i was in Thy's backyard at night hanging with friends that i seemed to know in the dream.  My boyfriend was there, but it was someone I didn't know, only- in the dream, i recognized him as my boyfriend.  We sat together& I felt so close to him, we had a strong sense of kinship, and familiarity.  Possibly I knew him in a past life and he dropped by to say hi to me.

Feb. 19:  I dreamt I saw Lefty.  We were supposed to go to a concert or event of some sort, but he never showed up.  I spent half the dream looking for him, only to tell him off and throw my words at him.  Tell him how much he hurt me, tell him how much I was tired of it.  It's always the same in dreams as it were in real life.  Just full of unhappiness, anger, and the regret and disappointment that he usually brought about.   He seemed so uncaring in the dream, unwilling to bend, stone cold, unapologetic.  Unknowing of the pain he causes... too high to care.  Always too high to care about my feelings.  I woke up super upset, mad at him for everything he's ever done and still does to affect me in my subconscious.  He'll always be a bad memory, if only even in dreams.. The only benefit was waking up and realizing that i had escaped the nightmare, in so many ways.

Feb. 20:  I dreamed about Marvin.  I was waiting on a hill somewhere alone at night waiting for him to pick me up.  I called and called and he never picked up my calls.  Then he came really late and he took me to a club, where he went in with his friends and I had to wait outside. I was so upset and sad.  Then the bouncer said he saw him do drugs and i could go in and get him but i had to take an e pill.  Which i did.  I was so upset in the dream but i really wanted to go inside.  I felt horrible knowing i had relapsed on drugs.  I hate e.  I woke up really upset as usual..

Feb. 22:  Dream#1- I dreamed my family moved into a big haunted house.  It was almost a mansion it was that big.  The haunted room was the parlor- a room directly across from mine.  It had glass walls and when i looked in i saw a mass of flies over a dish of old cat food.  I was upset at the thought of Toru and Arnie being in there.  I was really uncomfortable knowing it was a haunted house and we had to live in it.  I felt a spirit there, but didn't want to enter it's domain. 

Dream#2-Then I was at a family party, hosted by my family.  We were at a different house, a nicer one.  We had a huge pool.  I went to change into my pink bikini.. it took forever to find.  Then i fell into the pool at night when no one was looking. 

Dream #3- I was a teacher to a small classroom of Asian-American kids.  They loved me and each one went up to me to give me a hug as they were leaving class.  The teachers pet, an eager to please boy had a crush on me and handed me gifts.  Almost every student gave me each a gift or a compliment as they left, sharing I was their favorite teacher because I gave the least homework lol.

Dream#4-I dreamt my boyfriend didn't want to hang out with me and told me to go hangout with someone else so my Lb friend came and picked me up.  He was super nice and understanding and took me to the mall to cheer me up and bought me all these gifts.  Then Marvin appears from out of nowhere, apparently he followed us and he was super jealous and threatened to beat up my friend.  I felt so bad for my friend but deep down i was happy that he came to steal me back. 

Dream#5-  Last dream, i was in a Sailor moon themed place.  But there was darkness and destruction, and the stench of dead bodies filled the air.  In a car with my young friend- we drove past graveyards and war zones.  I told the child that i had to hide in the flames.  There were dead bodies covered with tarps of children.  I had been a part of some mass war type killing, and either i lived to tell about it, or my spirit was following a survivor and telling my story.  It had a very graveyard of the fireflies theme to it.

a recording of dreams, January edition.

Jan. 18, 2014:  I dreamt I fucked up Linda.  We were in class and I was sleeping and she sucker punched me.  I woke up and started wailing on her.  She was so weak, she started crying.  I felt bad but she deserved it.  She was all tweaked out.  Naturally, I felt bad about it when I woke up.

Jan 23:  I dreamt i was in a building that was designed like a maze.  I was with a parolee who was tatted up and we helped each other navigate our way out in the dark.  We decided at the bottom to work together and quietly hop off the bandwagon.  Our plan worked as we ended up beating the maze.

Jan. 26.:  I dreamt that I was in a nice mall with Young and there was something going on with the A Boys.  We were waiting around.  Then there's a mass A boy proprosal celebration and Young proposes to me before anyone else does, which kind of sets it off for his homies.  I felt super happy in the dream, though when I woke up i realized the improbabilty of the events.

Jan 29.:  I dreamt I was at some foreign airport mall where there were a lot of Bank of Americas.  I wandered around looking for an black LA tank top, specifically.  I found it at a kiosk and i wandered across to find Jason from high school (pinoy Jason from Burroughs).  He was selling.  He seemed cheerful and I recognized him immediately.  Then the sun shines on his face at the same moment i tell him he looks familiar... then he turned into Left.  I was shocked.  I could only tell him that he looked like someone I knew.

Jan. 30:  I dreamt I was in an enchanted boat treading the waters of a mystical, sparkly dark world.  It was nighttime and I saw so many faeries.  The person guiding the boat was Jolynne Valerie.  She was so excited to show me this beautiful, enchanted world of faeries.  The darkness was illuminated with sparkling jewels of color and light.  It was magic.

Yesterday

Yesterday was hard.  But having you there, holding my hand while i lay in the hospital bed, it means everything for me.  Thank you hubby for taking care of me.

My love

  I know that our relationship has had some major rough patches.  I did my dirt.  You did yours.  We repeatedly hurt each other over and over again that first year together.  I know that i've done things in the past that make me undeserving of even being with you now- things that, if i could take back, i would, because seeing how much it hurt you killed me inside.  I wish i could take back all the times i hurt you, but i am grateful sometimes that it happened- because it showed me what a forgiving, kind, compassionate, and loving partner you are- something that is required to make love last a lifetime... it gave me the courage to continue loving you despite the backlash of what my actions caused in you.  It gave me the confidence to keep pushing for our relationship, to keep hoping, to keep trying, whatever it takes to make it last. 

The thought of letting you go for the benefit of the both of us has crossed my mind so many times.  And it still does.  To give you complete freedom: so you can really spread your wings and go in whatever direction life takes you- uninhibited by the duties that fidelity imposes on a man in reverance to keeping his wife happy and fulfilled...is something that  i wish i could give you, if only it didn't mean that we'd have to part ways and say goodbye to each other.  I feel like losing you would be like murdering the other half of me.