wonderful and amazing,

things i appreciate about myself:

1. I am devoted to what captures my heart.

2. I am known for always having a smile on.

3. I am respected by my bosses for working hard.

4. I am kind to other living beings.

5. I think and feel deeply.

6. I am loyal.

7. I respect my gift of astrological awareness.

8. I am a powerful claircognizant.

9. I make people laugh easily.

10.I strive to be positive.

11.I feel honored to teach love through action.

12.I delight in making strangers smile.

13.Im willing to be responsible and independant.

14.I let my feelings for people inspire me to do good.

15.I know I love unselfishly and unconditionally.

16.I am generous with people.

17.I express my joy and happiness freely and abundantly..

18.I am patient to learn where people stand with me.

19.I keep my promises and I do what I say I will.

20.I live by action.

How strange and how surreal....... What would be most surreal would be to meet someone who appreciated my wildly creative imagination(delusions).sometimes i wonder just how crazy might i appear to others.  they do not understand the source of my thoughts.  theres really nothing controlling the part of my brain that says what your imagining is impossible.  the part of my brain just runs rampant and it polices the emotional cortexes.  yes, that explains my weirdness.

I found out today that someone i met earlier this year died on Thursday.  It hit me like a wave because I did get to know him and respect him.  Coincidentally i had thought about him not too long ago.  Maybe a week earlier.  I had seen his brother and mistaken him for the other. The intricate web that connects us all demands my awareness. Life is strangely connected.  The life beyond that is such a mystery. The soul lives on fearlessly.  We forget that sometimes.  But ah, the joy of remembering again.


I met Rod at Killers when he was fixing up Killers room early this year.  My first impression is wow, what a humble guy.  So respectful.  I felt humbled in his presence.  Some people feel safe to be around.  He was quiet but i felt at ease with the silence between us in the room.  We went shopping with Killer at Home Depot to pick up some items for remodeling the room.  I wish I could remember more of the conversations we had as we wandered the aisles.  Ii can poignantly remember now something he said to me that really touched me-  He told me he thought I was friendly.
His words were kind in many ways. 

It's the craziness inside my head that tells me he feels this and that for me still. I have a craziness in my brain that makes up for peoples shortcomings.  The craziness wants to convince me that people really do love me and that they really care for me.  Without the presence of love, it fills up the empty spaces.  It does not require authenticity.  It just covers the holes and uses anything from memory it can to present you with something better than you realizing you deserve something more.  The craziness allows you to creatively choose your illusions and the depth of the characters involved.


 But I think presently my actions only show that I love to smoke dope......................and the fact that i would put this drug before family and true hapiness sickens me so bad that i disconnect myself from the world not to feel it anymore.....

I'm goinggggg outttt of my fucking mindddddddddddddd.

I've been sleeping over at Thy's, and i've been having the weirdest cosmic dreams. In which im in different realities and other earth's even. I dream a lot about about outer space and in these dreams I am the one who is being the receiver of disclosure from Primary Facilitators of other worlds. Yes. I really question my place in earth's history. I have this beautiful gift of astrological awareness and I am struggling to be at peace with the fact that no one else in my world really cares about what's going on in the cosmos. Why do I know this stuff if it doesnt serve anyone any purpose? Why do the outer space aliens interest only me? It certainly does not help that my brain is on drugs. But even so I have a keen awareness of whats real and whats not even when i use. Sometimes when I smoke I feel like it opens up my mind and the doors of perception are open as well. I perceive everything magnified- my feelings, other peoples feelings, especially the moods and emotions of others. It's really enlightening but at the same time its not good for me. It can be good for me because it makes me feel as close to people as when i normally dont allow myself to be because i have my guard up. So i allow a two way flow of energy and im more apt to tell someone the contents of my mind. It can be damaging to me because my feelings are amplified on meth and it makes me feel so vulnerable being sensitive to whats going on around me.

Right now im sleeping over Jac1nda's and being in this room upstairs makes me reminisce on last summer when i was on drugs. I spent many nights laying next to her while she slept, as my mind raced and i lie stuck staring at the darkness around me wishing i would sleep and unable to attach myself from the events and people i encountered last. Tonight is so different escept this time im a little more aware of my nature as a human being. I can allow myself to get clear again. Anyways this Halloween was good. I passed out candy with Thy. We took so many pictures.