Noah

It's been 2 weeks since your birthday.  The day I spent with you was so wonderful.  I was extra nice to you because it was your birthday, and you knew it.  It must have been so wonderful for you.  I should have treated you like this everyday: seeing you so happy made me light up inside.  I remember when we were outside Castle after dinner with your mom, Bert and Ron, you were playing with your scratchers and you were upset because you were winning on a whole bunch and then you got some bad ones.  You insisted because i had said you were unlucky.  I only said it to you in hopes that you would not be inspired to go gambling at a casino for your birthday.  I just held your face and told you i loved you and threw my arms around you.  That was the happiest I have seen you in a really long time.  And yeah, i should have really done that more often.  It felt amazing.  I didn't even care that our friends were in the background, making disgusted noises.  Sometimes, i am keenly aware that you are really just a really big kid who wants to be loved and spoiled with affection.   It inspires something inside me to show you more affection, and another, more sensitive side of me.  I noticed your mood for the rest of the night was basically super happy. I couldn't help but wonder if it was because of what i did, and i was so excited for the rest of our night.  I decided that treating you as well and with as much positive attention as on your birthday from here on would be something that i could do.

We got so drunk off of Hennessy that night.  I am convinced that between you, me, and Ron- you probably drank the most.  You were so cute.  I just wanted to be with you all night, and spend your whole birthday with you.  Looneys lady told me that the way you look at me says it all.  I never really noticed that but i realized it was true.  She says its obvious everytime i give you attention you are super happy. :)That night, we came home at 2 in the morning.  As we pulled up Lookout from Laurel we both spotted a young coyote running uphill.  I felt that it was so symbolic.  I remember seeing a fox in the middle of the night in the canyon with you...about 3 years ago.  I really miss all the time we spent together.  I felt no fear of the fork or the ghost up hill... there was no fear that night.  We went upstairs and got into bed.  I put on the Bachelorette...and you fell asleep! lol.  I miss kissing you and holding you and hugging you and falling asleep with you.  I just miss you so much, and i can't wait to visit you and see you this weekend.  I haven't seen you since court.  You blew me a kiss, and all my stress melted away.  I hope you stay strong, and know that i'll be with you every step of the way.  Loving you, Tamera.