nightmare

I just woke up from the most horrifying nightmare.  I was a student in this urban school... It didn't look like any school in La, more like the east coast.  It was a wet rainy day.  The school building was one huge multi-level building.  I was sitting in class on one of the higher levels when an alarm went off signaling that an earthquake would hit VERY soon.  Unpredictably soon.  Panicked, I looked around to see many students fleeing, running, screaming, rightfully as panicked as I am.  Outside I could see it was nighttime, a stormy night.  So i get up and rush out.  The voice announcer said, "Drop all your things and quickly exit the building, don't even try to look for your backpacks!" 

I remember thinking in my head, NO, i'm going to hang onto my stuff and picked up two backpacks (they were both mine).  I remember stuffing as much stuff into them as I can.  I knew I might needed them, in case it really was an emergency type situation.  Which I felt 100% it would be.  As i was running down the stairs, i saw some people still working on, the staff but i kept going. I exited and ran around the corner to another house, stashed my stuff in the shadows and ran back into the school to get the one backpack i was bent of looking for. 

I had a short convo with the last lady in the building, she was cooking food, the cafeteria lady.  I did not understand why she was still working.  She invited me to eat a few pieces of the green jello bites she had made, and I did.  She was so calm.  I thought, hell i'm getting outta here.  I finally exited and ran down the street. At this point it was already dawn.

I was walking when i noticed my bags were feeling SO heavy all of a sudden.  I tossed 2 and kept only one that had some clothes in it.  At that moment i heard the most terrifying thunder behind me and froze and crouched flat on the ground.  The EVIL FORCE was many many yards behind me, and coming, for any souls!  I didn't move but start crawling farther.  At one point i was cornered somewhere and I managed to use my strength to escape.  It was a force that had a plug and used it's power to turn on electricity and make anything surge.  That's how it knew to drain the energy and destroy.  I finally got away and the dream ended in me looking up at a 12 foot white fence, wondering how i would ever move forward.

What can i say?  In one day my whole life turned upside down.  It hurts so much.  Because even after all he did to hurt me, i still love him.  I think about that humble, caring, loving prisoner that i fell in love with.  The voice that carried me to sleep everynight and i didnt feel so alone.

 I don't know what happened, but i know for whatever reason, he no longer believes in that beautiful life we dreamed up together.  I just need to accept tht my life has changed, and it will never be the same.  I think about the day i woke up from the hospital and i saw him standing there.  In his work clothes, stained with paint.  My heart was so full because i saw he love in his eyes for me, and i was so touched that he came.

What gets me through this the most is knowing that i am letting him be free to follow his dreams.  He says he can never reach his goals with me and as much as it breaks my heart to know that he truly believes that, what can i do but let him go. I'll always love him even though he broke my heart after all this time.  After all the time, pain, fights, struggle, hopes fears, tears, and heartache... its finally over.  And i cant believe he doesnt love me anymore and is so willing to give up what we have instead of work on it. But... if this will lead to his success and happiness, then goodbye my penguin.  :(

I feel worthless.

Day 2

You'll always be my best friend, and i'll always love you but go on with your life and ill go on with mine, just don't forget me.

"What is done in love is well done"
-Vincent van Gogh

An internal struggle

I know it's not good to talk about and think about the things that you're not happy about, but for me, this has been weighing me down for some time and since I don't have close girl friends I can talk to at the point in my life... i'm going to voice my concerns here.  Even if this goes against law of attraction, what i am studying.

Sometimes, when it comes to my relationship- I feel like I am on a sinking ship. 
It's a point where I reflect on our challenges, and it saddens me to notice that the things we fight about the most, are the same arguments over and over.  He makes promises, breaks them, lies, breaks my heart, and out of pure love and forgiveness I give him more chances but i am starting to see that he does not want to change... and that is a problem that i, no matter how hard i try to think positive, to be grateful for whats good, cannot ignore.  Some things... I am just not okay with.

Not to say that he is not a good man, BUT in the context of your relationship, if you know that your partner becomes really upset on certain "sensitive topics and issues" for example. smoking marijuana, and they expressedly ask you to stop and you don't...it's easy to conclude that your partner does not care about your feelings enough. It's selfishness.  BUT from his point of view, my problem should be big enough to leave.  And i'm honestly considering.

The thought of leaving him has been lingering at the back of my mind for months now.
I love him and i absolutely love who he is and spending time with him, but if he continues to head in a direction that makes me super upset everytime and causes fights that are never resolved,
I may just have to love myself enough to say, I have had enough.

You do not value me.
You do not honor me.
You do not respect me.
Because if you did,
you would honor my requests.

And i dont make many.

I am too embarassed by this, but there are certain things i have given up on asking him. It's things that he used to do to impress me and make me feel special, but now, he doesn't do them anymore.
I would ask him:

Why don't you ever text me while you're at work to tell me you miss me and that you love me?
You used to do it everyday, many times a day, when you were in prison.
Nowadays, i wish to hear it from you first.  But i usually just go ahead and be the one to do it,
because i know it would make you happy to receive that text message.
I do it almost everyday..i wonder if it even means anything to you.
Why don't you ever surprise me with flowers?
I always hint at it, have even asked you, and when we go to markets that sell flowers,
I always stop to smell them, talk about how beautiful they are, and say,
"I LOVE the smell of flowers.  These are beautiful."
I also talk about how even flowers hand picked would make a lovely sentiment..
But you never notice.
I used to write you love notes and surprise letters.
But you never responded to them,
so i have become discouraged and stopped.
Every time we stop by a toy store, you say, "I want to get a toy for Kylie"
and as cute and as much as that warms my heart,
I wonder why you never think that for me.
I wonder if when you're out with your friends,
you think, "Id like to get something for Tammy".  
 In the past month or two, i have hinted at liking for you to plan a date/day for us.
Maybe take me to a nice restaurant.
You have yet to do so, and i have given up hope to see it happen.
I have tried to cook for you a few times,
I can count the number of times on my hand.
I'm not a cook but i made the effort.
None of those times you told me it was good.
It just discouraged me from trying.
And the last time i cooked for you, I got everything ready and prepared to enjoy a nice meal with you,
and you decided to stay at work an extra hour voluntarily.  Even though you knew i worked hard to prepare you a meal and was waiting a home, hungry.

I know these things don't make you a bad person at all
but i just dont feel special at all smetimes to you.

Hello journal

I just wanted to update a bit on my progress.  On June 18 of this year I got a membership to 24 hour fitness with my boyfriend.  My first time ever being a member of a gym or even being in a gym. It's a unique and special day in my life because i have pretty much been utilizing my gym membership to the fullest since then, averaging going to the gym 5-6 days a week.  So for the past 6 weeks, i have really stepped it up on my fitness journey and it's something I feel REALLY good about!  

I'm going to school, bam!
Working out at the gym, bam!
Eating healthy, bam!
Finding balance, bam!

Learning so much about myself throughout it all, and loving and appreciating myself so much more in the process. I am ding the work and I am so happy for myself.  I'm gosh darn proud.

Have i told you that my belly is flattening out?
Because it is, and my skin is starting to glow.  
I'm becoming leaner, stronger, more mentally fit.
My mental energy is abundant, and I am still going strong-
No alcohol, no drugs, no stimulants, just pure self love energy!  

I am happy and satisfied with how far i've moved into a clearer space.
I went to Santa Cruz with my family this weekend and i loved it.  
Note to self: Return to Santa Cruz to that beautiful lighthouse, and stay at the Comfort Inn! :)

Thank you for reading. :)