my orange sunset dream

Last night I dreamt of the most beautiful orange sunset ever.  In my dream, I was on top of a building/rooftop/ in someones backyard somewhere it must have been East L.A. because i could see a fiery orange sun setting on Downtown L.A. and all the highrises that i know to be Downtown.  It was beautiful.  The sky burned a bright orange with a pale orange background.  The orange sky was intense, like none I can imagine ever viewing.  It was so beautiful.  The sun blazed a hot orange circle in the sky.  I remember meanwhile  I was writing a letter to him, describing this sunset, and describing the overwhelming painful loneliness I felt in that moment.  I was distracted by my own unexplainable feelings; feelings of sadness, non-belongingness, not-knowingness, a confused heartache of wondering "Where am I?  And why am I so sad?"  I could not bear it i could not finish writing.  After a while the sky faded from orange to gray and black and blue- and I saw the building far away lit up and downtown in all its majesty... nothing can be a more beautiful sight to witness than that.

I woke up with a heartache and longing that i can not fully describe.  I would interpret this dream as a sort of goodbye to tha beautiful memories of him and me in L.A. A sad tribute kind of memory dedicated to the spirituality I found and the beauty i experienced during those years and the tragedy I barely just finally escaped.  It makes me sad to know that he didn't.  We're both on our own journey, our own path now.  I don't want to look back.  We both gotta do what we gotta do- and understand that our paths have split.

If I could bear to write the words i'd tell him that i love him although not as actively as before, definitely will never change what we had.  He's the reason I stopped using and my reason for staying clean, besides for myself and to better myself. But he's the reason I go hard and am on this self-improvement self-love journey.  He pushed me to it.  He showed me who I wanted to be and i would tell him thank you. and i think it broke his heart to see me leave.  But i know in my heart he wants me to be happy and i want tha same for him always.  For me- it was never about owning him- it was always about loving him and always having his best interests at heart.  I'd tell him that its not goodbye, just a to be continued.

Last night I had kindof a sad dream.  In my dream I was in Hawaii somewhere out in the jungles.  It was peaceful but raining hard.  Everything was very wet and the landscape was beautiful and lush and green.  I was in a misty wet paradise underneath a large makeshift tent waiting for my cousin Thy to come back from somewhere.  I was laying under the tent somewhat afraid of the rain and what may be beyond in the jungle biut it was lonely just me by myself. There was also an injured cat.  I was scared of it. Then i saw Lynette and she was very reassuring and I was happy to see her.

Reubin Buelna #AD7406

housed in MA24.



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last day of the Mayan Calender.

Today... I cleaned!  & watched Wuthering Heights for the 4th time this month. I can't help it; Charlotte Riley & Tom Hardy are such an irresistable pair. :(  I can't get enough of this movie... it's just so beautifully filmed with such intense dialogue and heart wrenching characters.  Did I mention also the great costumes & captivatingly sad soundtrack.  *sigh*.  I need to get out more. 

I visited Marvin this past weekend.  I flew out to Mississippi on Thursday and had a great weekend at the Shack Up Inn.  Mississippi was lovely and Marvin was so amazing- the trip was totally worth it.  The past 2 years of my life have been validated and it's very grounding to know that i've found something real.  :)  I planned it just right for an end to an amazing 2012.  Honestly, he's done so much for me and has saved me in ways that I could never thank him enough for- but I believe that he knows how much he means to me.  Just one more year and my married life begins. :)

p.s.
1 large cup of hot water +
2 packets of Carnation hot cocoa +
6 tsp. of nonfat powdered milk =

PURE DELICIOUSNESS!!!!:)
That is all.

I just had an epiphany. 
Lately, i've been increasingly more irritated by people who flake without proper notice, people who lie, people who can't stick to their word.  I feel like my respect for certain friends is dropping like flies.  The way I see it:  If it's important, you make the time for it.  You prioritize.  You move your schedule around to make it happen.  You set alarms, you enter it into your calender, you write a fucken post-it. Yes?! I don't even want to waste a single breath on people who put no effort in anymore to maintain a friendship.  No more "second chances".  I'm just done with it, done with the disappointments & the futile attempts.  I haven't been seeing people clearly; I see hopeful dimes when they are nickels. 

So the epiphany is- i considered that when things in the outside world upset us, 99.9% of the time, there is also an underlying issue that has to do with ourselves.  So I thought about these disappointing traits in people; which is to be willy nilly and not stick to their promises & prior engagements... and i realize I do it to.  But i do it in another avenue: I do it at work; i do it to my managers.  I don't show up on scheduled shifts, i'm flaky, etc.  This needs to change, PRONTO. Until i change this area in my life that is lacking in integrity; i will constantly engage flaky people and invite them into my universe. 

So goodbye; flakes.  Goodbye liars.  Goodbye people who dont try hard enough.
I can do better. I WILL be better!!

Be well.

explosion in the sky

I had a crazy dream last night.  I kept waking up to a dream, falling asleep, then waking up to another dream.  I had more than 5 dreams last night.  I dreamt I was alone at school wandering the halls by myself.  Then I wandered onto this japanese gift shop on campus and proceeded to mix tamarind powder into a small bowl of milk.  There were 2 small bowls.  Then I met up with Angel from work and we were linked arms with 2 other girls- we were apparently a tight-knit group.  We were the "pretty" girls at on campus.  We laughed and giggled as we fussed our way through the mall/campus. Then we were outside at night sitting in our van.  From where i sat I watched in horror as i viewed a large red and dark grey jeep fly up into the sky and exploded high up in the air. I watched it grow smaller as it flew higher into the air... as if it were a u.f.o.  My ears exploded and i felt them pop as the bang roared in the sky and echoed everywhere, permeating the night.  My friends heard the loud explosion, but they did not eyewitness the jeep zooming across the sky and they did not know how it happened.  It felt like we had just been bombed.  We run to one of their houses to assemble supplies.  It felt like an emergency situation.  I grabbed a sharp weapon-like hairpin, clothes, stationary- whatever i believed i would later need.I felt a great need to be prepared.. yet i felt like maybe the preparation got in the way of finding a god bomb shelter/ safer area.I felt like we would be "bombed" again.  I think any dream my subconscious of things exploding in the night sky are highly symbolic and have an urgent message.  That is all.

Chloe was born yesterday.  I just visited her after work.  She was very cute and a calm quiet baby. Im happy.