Doing too much of everything where im at is getting me nowhere,but worse. 
(-) + (-) = (-)             
I thought positive plus positive equals a positive. 
(+) + (+)=(+)
If nothing gets better when im doing more of the same shit 
than what im on is negative and 
anything i did was actually wrong.  


The problem is dope.

Vi l l i n wrote a song about meeeeee.  
---I can't believeeeee he made me a part of his music!.  :-),


So the way he wrote it,
he tells a story
basically about what he feels about this girl
annnnnnd
full of appreciation and praise about me, i mean, this girl. :-) 
cuz he realizes how down she is for wut he believes in.


People are so much deeper than you can imagine.  
He constantly surprises me with how insightful and positive he is.

thoughts

I've been doing too much again. .
Many of my homies have shown me that they have love for me and I hold their opinions in high regards.
i feel like when im on the streets, my friends are my family.  I want them to know that.

But its hard for me to maintain my calm when inside my body doped up with no sleep and little food-

There's really no boundaries when im high on meth.  I feel like ive let some homies do just about everything to hurt me and im still around, like any of it is ever okay.

PLAYER ♥

Today he introduced me to his PO as his girlfriend.  But it felt more like a coverup to make him look good. I hope so but honestly idc. 

My name is T4mmy and I am addicted to crystal meth. I need help, cuhs i don't think i can ever stop on my own. I wish i could escape this madness, but i'm addicted to everything about this lifestyle.

enslavement

darkness, death’s caressing kiss, Bright light intruding eternal abyss. Dark powers severing ancient tome, Entities forsaking me forcing me from the womb. Fear, pain, I don’t know what is worse, Life, is this a blessing or is this a curse? Lurking in the darkest corners of dark straining to see, Whisperers from light beckoning me. Extinguishing memories and forgotten past, New experience filling me fast. Blazing brilliance of the sun, I feel alone. Existence and purpose unknown. My questions of being are answered, I wonder why? Only when stars shine bright in the sky. Here on Earth used as some dark entity’s tool, Mysteries, prophecies, damned wondering soul. Past life’s Karma essence already been sold, No power of choice path already foretold. Many lives to live earning spirits soul to keep, Life is so short yet I yearn death’s eternal sleep. Death, Bars of Darkness, Sinister Cave, Life is work, ancient entities scave. I’m on my knees praying for God’s sake, Next time born grant me freedom when I wake.

Phil Collins

writes such inspiring music.  he's so positive.  the Tarzan soundtrack is amazing,

"Two Worlds"-
Put your faith in what you most believe in
Two worlds, one family
Trust your heart
Let fate decide
To guide these lives we see
...Somewhere something is calling for you




"Son of Man"-
In learning you will teach
And in teaching you will learn
You'll find your place beside the
ones you love
Oh, and all the things you dreamed of
The visions that you saw
Well, the time is drawing near now
It's yours to claim in all 
Son of Man, look to the sky
Lift your spirit, set it free
Some day you'll walk tall with pride...




"Strangers Like Me"-
Whatever you do, I'll do it too
Show me everything and tell me how
It all means something
And yet nothing to me 

I can see there's so much to learn
It's all so close and yet so far
I see myself as people see me
Oh, I just know there's something bigger out there

I wanna know, can you show me
I wanna know about these
strangers like me
Tell me more, please show me
Something's familiar about these strangers like me 

I need to honor my parents. I am not doing that living the way i am now. I put drugs before everything and i fucken hate it. I just want to be free of my addiction. I am just getting worse and it hurts so much

I don't mind giving.  If I have the chance to be kind or generous I will be.  Especially when it comes to the people I care about. I work hard for everything thats mine and presented the chance, I'll gladly share what little I have.  I dont see any better use for my money, gas, time, or energy-
I've been feeling this way for awhile now.  Its espeially sad when its so obvious someone feels the need to point it out to me. Now I feel less joy when i do give, because I feel I am being taken for granted.

I feel much much better.  I slept for 12 hours last night.  I plan to feel completely rested by tomorrow morning.I'm done with tweeking.  I mean it.  I just finished watching Descent 2, which was surprisingly scary.  I don't know what i'd do without Netflix.

trapt-echo

So I, 
Close my eyes
Let the whole thing 
pass me by
There is 
no time
To waste. 

asking why

parents

Living on my own makes me really start to appreciate them.  The more I think about what they've done for me the more i realize how blessed I am to have them in my life. 

all of a sudden im aware

wonderful and amazing,

things i appreciate about myself:

1. I am devoted to what captures my heart.

2. I am known for always having a smile on.

3. I am respected by my bosses for working hard.

4. I am kind to other living beings.

5. I think and feel deeply.

6. I am loyal.

7. I respect my gift of astrological awareness.

8. I am a powerful claircognizant.

9. I make people laugh easily.

10.I strive to be positive.

11.I feel honored to teach love through action.

12.I delight in making strangers smile.

13.Im willing to be responsible and independant.

14.I let my feelings for people inspire me to do good.

15.I know I love unselfishly and unconditionally.

16.I am generous with people.

17.I express my joy and happiness freely and abundantly..

18.I am patient to learn where people stand with me.

19.I keep my promises and I do what I say I will.

20.I live by action.

How strange and how surreal....... What would be most surreal would be to meet someone who appreciated my wildly creative imagination(delusions).sometimes i wonder just how crazy might i appear to others.  they do not understand the source of my thoughts.  theres really nothing controlling the part of my brain that says what your imagining is impossible.  the part of my brain just runs rampant and it polices the emotional cortexes.  yes, that explains my weirdness.

I found out today that someone i met earlier this year died on Thursday.  It hit me like a wave because I did get to know him and respect him.  Coincidentally i had thought about him not too long ago.  Maybe a week earlier.  I had seen his brother and mistaken him for the other. The intricate web that connects us all demands my awareness. Life is strangely connected.  The life beyond that is such a mystery. The soul lives on fearlessly.  We forget that sometimes.  But ah, the joy of remembering again.


I met Rod at Killers when he was fixing up Killers room early this year.  My first impression is wow, what a humble guy.  So respectful.  I felt humbled in his presence.  Some people feel safe to be around.  He was quiet but i felt at ease with the silence between us in the room.  We went shopping with Killer at Home Depot to pick up some items for remodeling the room.  I wish I could remember more of the conversations we had as we wandered the aisles.  Ii can poignantly remember now something he said to me that really touched me-  He told me he thought I was friendly.
His words were kind in many ways. 

It's the craziness inside my head that tells me he feels this and that for me still. I have a craziness in my brain that makes up for peoples shortcomings.  The craziness wants to convince me that people really do love me and that they really care for me.  Without the presence of love, it fills up the empty spaces.  It does not require authenticity.  It just covers the holes and uses anything from memory it can to present you with something better than you realizing you deserve something more.  The craziness allows you to creatively choose your illusions and the depth of the characters involved.


 But I think presently my actions only show that I love to smoke dope......................and the fact that i would put this drug before family and true hapiness sickens me so bad that i disconnect myself from the world not to feel it anymore.....

I'm goinggggg outttt of my fucking mindddddddddddddd.

I've been sleeping over at Thy's, and i've been having the weirdest cosmic dreams. In which im in different realities and other earth's even. I dream a lot about about outer space and in these dreams I am the one who is being the receiver of disclosure from Primary Facilitators of other worlds. Yes. I really question my place in earth's history. I have this beautiful gift of astrological awareness and I am struggling to be at peace with the fact that no one else in my world really cares about what's going on in the cosmos. Why do I know this stuff if it doesnt serve anyone any purpose? Why do the outer space aliens interest only me? It certainly does not help that my brain is on drugs. But even so I have a keen awareness of whats real and whats not even when i use. Sometimes when I smoke I feel like it opens up my mind and the doors of perception are open as well. I perceive everything magnified- my feelings, other peoples feelings, especially the moods and emotions of others. It's really enlightening but at the same time its not good for me. It can be good for me because it makes me feel as close to people as when i normally dont allow myself to be because i have my guard up. So i allow a two way flow of energy and im more apt to tell someone the contents of my mind. It can be damaging to me because my feelings are amplified on meth and it makes me feel so vulnerable being sensitive to whats going on around me.

Right now im sleeping over Jac1nda's and being in this room upstairs makes me reminisce on last summer when i was on drugs. I spent many nights laying next to her while she slept, as my mind raced and i lie stuck staring at the darkness around me wishing i would sleep and unable to attach myself from the events and people i encountered last. Tonight is so different escept this time im a little more aware of my nature as a human being. I can allow myself to get clear again. Anyways this Halloween was good. I passed out candy with Thy. We took so many pictures.