I had the craziest dream last night.  It was like a thriller-action movie.  I was in some large labratory- it looked like the CDC building in the Walking Dead.  I was locked inside by a mad man.  He wanted to blow up the place with me and my daughter inside it, infatuated with the idea of us being a family.  The doors were locked completely.  He had turned on a timer that would go off.  I believe we had like, 20 minutes left.  I was determined to break me and my daughter free.  I stood at a desk while the madman walked to the opposite side of the room configuring the bomb/timer.  Something told me to look inside the desk drawers.  It was a large tall wooden desk with three large compartments.  In the first compartment i found a large silver bullet.  In the next compartment i found a strap.  It was wrapped in tape.  I tried my best to unwrap it without making noise... i didn't want the madman to see or hear me going through the drawers.  Finally i loaded the bullet in the revolver.  I slowly moved towards the madman, told my daughter to stand by the desk,... hoping he wasn't suspecting i was about to hit him in the dome.  I got directly behind him, and shot him in the head.

Sure that he was dead, i ran to my daughter and we raced to the automated doors, trying to figure out how to unlock the lock feature.  My daughter unlocked something, and i noticed a small stream of spray gas coming out.  My heart dropped, realizing our captor had rigged the locks with poison gas.  Not only were we stuck inside, but we had activated the poison gas.  It was hopeless.  I hate watching those race-for-survival movies and it was the worst feeling experiencing myself in this dream as a victim.  Of course, i woke up before the bomb went off.  But still, it sucked.

So i definitely went on a shopping spree Friday.

& I'm supposed to be saving for Hawaii.  lmao.

I got extensions in different colors, hair clips,

and a brand new pair of Madden boots...

which I am quite fond of.

Don't ask me why i bought boots in the middle of summer.

I just like them, OKAY? *burst into tears*

So i've been pretty inspired to go get permanant extensions...

Which i will, but after Hawaii.

This is exciting.

I love having so many things to look forward to.
I ordered Noah is books today...
i sent him 3 by James Patterson, per his request.
"I only asked you do do one thing and you didnt even do it"
So mean. :(
I totally went and dyed my hair and got crazy extensions
and you didnt even notice.:(
So mean.  Mean boy,

This weekend went by super fast.

Anyway... Toru was so cute this morning.

He tried to sleep cuddled against my head facing me.

Everytime i turn the other way around,

i wake up and he walked over to the other side too lol.

I gave him his first kitty shower today.

& he scratched me. :(

On accident of course.

Anyways, 

i love him so much<3

And i deccided not to get him neutered,

after watching the videos on youtube.

I just don't think its neccessary.

Call me an irresponsible petowner,

seriously, i dont give a shit.

Well
I guess i'm having one of those days again,
where i don't feel good.

I woke up way too early for my visit with Bert.
It was a good one.  People kept coming up to me and complimenting
me on my hair and how "unique" it is.
I just dyed it yesterday so i was happy.
A "special" ed person came up to me and said i look like
Betty Boop & Bride of Chucky. errrrr?  lol
They were so good natured.

What i really want to do is to go catch a movie.
There's so many i haven't seen.
Magic Mike would be at the top of that list.
Can somebody please escort me to watch Channing Tatum
strip down to his underwear on the big screen? *squeals*
I miss my movie theatre buddy.
I realize now how much of a stress-reliever he was for me.
I feel like i have no one to turn to now.

But i should be happy, cuz its my day off
and i have a cute kitty, a good car, and great job, etc.
I just feel like i'm lacking in the consistent-honest-sincere friends department.
The key word being consistent.
Dont get me wrong i do have friends i cherish but not the type
that would come over at the drop of a dime if i felt like
going to eat or going to the mall/movies & other spontaneous.
Also, it would be a plus if they were strong spirited like me,
and didn't smoke cigs, drink alcohol, or smoke weed.
I relish good clean friends who want to have good clean fun,
it's just so much more enjoyable and intimate to me.
I crave the intamacy of close friends.

The process of making plans with people nowadays causes me a bit of stress
cus people are quite flaky, and frankly,
i don't really want to deal with it.
It's like, i'm the type of person that makes plans,
confirms the day before, confirms the morning of, etc, you get the idea.
I really dont mind flakes but i detest the people who dont call to cancel,
or flake at the VERY last minute.  For example: an hour before the aforementioned meeting time.
It shows no respect for my time.
Of course- i can be EXTREMELY understanding...
but when i notice that they do it often, i just completely give up altogether.
I need to meet someone more like ME.
But yes, that was my short rant.
I love you all anyways, i hope you know that,
I just am feeling a bit constricted and in need of a good change.

I should really reach out and take some classes or something.
Eh... i can't wait for Hawaii, just 10 more days.<3

I made 700 yesterday
and 600 on Monday.
And 300 last Thursday,

suckaaaaas.

I'm well on my way to going to Hawaii,
actually, my flight is booked for Augest 7th...


suckaaaaas.:]

I thought the day would never come.  Anywayssss,
I have a kitty.
I named him Toru...
He is the most loving thing,
and he thinks i'm his mama!
It's the most rewarding, heart-opening,.
over-flous joy feeling, gosh darn amazinges experience
<3

Sleeping with Sirens- If I'm James Dean, You're Audrey Hepburn

Stay for tonight
If you want to
I can show you
What my dreams are made of,
as I'm dreaming of your face
I've been away for a long time
Such a long time
And I miss you there
I can't imagine being anywhere else
I can't imagine being anywhere else but here

[Verse 1:]
How the hell did you ever pick me?
Honestly, I could sing you a song
But I don't think words can express your beauty
It's singing to me
How the hell did we end up like this?
You bring out the beast in me
I fell in love from the moment we kissed
Since then we've been history

[Chorus:]
They say that love is forever
Your forever is all that I need
Please stay as long as you need
Can't promise that things won't be broken
But I swear that I will never leave
Please stay forever with me

SLEEPING WITH SIRENS-WITH EYES & EARS TO HEAR

So tell me how does it feel,
how does it feel to be like you?
I think your mouth should be quiet
Cause it never tells the truth
So tell me, so tell me why,
why does it have to be this way?
Why can't things ever change?

Falling over, and over again
Oh, why does it have to be this way?
From the place I was, to the place I am,
to the place I want to be
For the mountains I've been climbing over
and under and over
From the place that I was to the man I've become
I'll be there to see the tower you'll fall from
No this kingdom isn't quite what it may seem
You're an illusion, you'll never be king

Sometimes things are better left unsaid
But this time you'll get what you give
(True friends lie underneath, these witty words
I can't believe, I can't believe
a damn thing they say, anymore)

"Come down, come down from your tower"
"Come down, come down from your tower"
I know that for all my life, for all my strength
There is only one above who can judge me
All I am is yours, all I am is yours, I am yours!

practical wisdom

'It's not going to be easy, but one thing I've found to help is stay busy. Stay distracted, go out have fun with friends and family. Know that you're better than that and you deserve better. If you want to vent and let out your feelings than do it with someone you trust like a close friend or relative or something like that. As far as telling him how you feel, I don't think that's the best idea just because if he didn't take care of you like he should've then he's not going to hear what you have to say, even if he would, he probably wouldnt really be listening ya know? Self pitty can only go on for so long, but you need to stop it eventually. Turn around and be the stronger, better person. Use it and grow from it, refuse to let it break you down and be weak, use it to be stronger, not cold, just smarter and stronger. Ya easier said than done, but know that no one deserves that, and don't turn back. 

Keep your head up hun. Wish you the best!'

Sitting here in my room all day, watching Paranormal State since I already finished the last episode of my beloved Paranormal Children.  I just can't get enough of these spiritual, occult, paranormal shows.  I don't think I am so much interested in contacting the dead as I am with studying people with psychic abilities... it's just so interesting to me.  Probably largely due to the fact that it validates me and my own personal experiences and my own abilities.  I see that i'm not alone; and that's always nice.  Other than that: I haven't had much going on with my life.  I haven't worked in a month now... probably since Reba died.  I don't want to say its because of that- because even i myself, can see how it sounds like a poor excuse for a case of the lazies- but truly, life has just not been the same for me.  I guess i am coming into terms with losing a loved one. I KNOW that i have the strength within to pick myself up and move forward.  But what happened 2 weeks ago when he was arrested made me stumble and fall down.  But since then- I KNOW that i have been regaining my health.    I am tentative waiting for the day that i wake up and suddenly notice that i feel WELL again, and when those feelings of overflous joy and gratitude overflow my heart again.  The joy of being raw.  I miss it so.  I get fleeting moments of it now, but i am pushing onwards.  The thing about me is- i always have a plan.  I alway know what direction to move it.  So although i may not be where i want to be- i know that one day ill reach that destination- but the thing is by then i will have created new dreams and new destinations.  My life may not be exicitng now, and i may be lonely, broke, and have NO SOCIAL LIFE, but i know that what i have in my future is GOOD.  But for now i gotta keep moving forward (forward is my favorite direction:) )- and stay strong for the people that need me.<3 I trust in the Universe...

Noah

It's been 2 weeks since your birthday.  The day I spent with you was so wonderful.  I was extra nice to you because it was your birthday, and you knew it.  It must have been so wonderful for you.  I should have treated you like this everyday: seeing you so happy made me light up inside.  I remember when we were outside Castle after dinner with your mom, Bert and Ron, you were playing with your scratchers and you were upset because you were winning on a whole bunch and then you got some bad ones.  You insisted because i had said you were unlucky.  I only said it to you in hopes that you would not be inspired to go gambling at a casino for your birthday.  I just held your face and told you i loved you and threw my arms around you.  That was the happiest I have seen you in a really long time.  And yeah, i should have really done that more often.  It felt amazing.  I didn't even care that our friends were in the background, making disgusted noises.  Sometimes, i am keenly aware that you are really just a really big kid who wants to be loved and spoiled with affection.   It inspires something inside me to show you more affection, and another, more sensitive side of me.  I noticed your mood for the rest of the night was basically super happy. I couldn't help but wonder if it was because of what i did, and i was so excited for the rest of our night.  I decided that treating you as well and with as much positive attention as on your birthday from here on would be something that i could do.

We got so drunk off of Hennessy that night.  I am convinced that between you, me, and Ron- you probably drank the most.  You were so cute.  I just wanted to be with you all night, and spend your whole birthday with you.  Looneys lady told me that the way you look at me says it all.  I never really noticed that but i realized it was true.  She says its obvious everytime i give you attention you are super happy. :)That night, we came home at 2 in the morning.  As we pulled up Lookout from Laurel we both spotted a young coyote running uphill.  I felt that it was so symbolic.  I remember seeing a fox in the middle of the night in the canyon with you...about 3 years ago.  I really miss all the time we spent together.  I felt no fear of the fork or the ghost up hill... there was no fear that night.  We went upstairs and got into bed.  I put on the Bachelorette...and you fell asleep! lol.  I miss kissing you and holding you and hugging you and falling asleep with you.  I just miss you so much, and i can't wait to visit you and see you this weekend.  I haven't seen you since court.  You blew me a kiss, and all my stress melted away.  I hope you stay strong, and know that i'll be with you every step of the way.  Loving you, Tamera.

I lost a pet and my best friend in the same month.  Let's hope they somehow come back. :/

Somehow just come back home.

Madagascar 3 was actually pretty funny.  I used my groupon for 2 movie tickets at the chinese theatre and went with Linds.:) 
Tomorrow, I start eating healthy and exercising. :)

Since he's gone i've kind of gone downhill.  I never thought i would be this upset. 


Starting fresh.  I have to.

I really miss him- and would do anything to be near him- to hold him-to have everything be ok.  I miss my babe;*(