my orange sunset dream

Last night I dreamt of the most beautiful orange sunset ever.  In my dream, I was on top of a building/rooftop/ in someones backyard somewhere it must have been East L.A. because i could see a fiery orange sun setting on Downtown L.A. and all the highrises that i know to be Downtown.  It was beautiful.  The sky burned a bright orange with a pale orange background.  The orange sky was intense, like none I can imagine ever viewing.  It was so beautiful.  The sun blazed a hot orange circle in the sky.  I remember meanwhile  I was writing a letter to him, describing this sunset, and describing the overwhelming painful loneliness I felt in that moment.  I was distracted by my own unexplainable feelings; feelings of sadness, non-belongingness, not-knowingness, a confused heartache of wondering "Where am I?  And why am I so sad?"  I could not bear it i could not finish writing.  After a while the sky faded from orange to gray and black and blue- and I saw the building far away lit up and downtown in all its majesty... nothing can be a more beautiful sight to witness than that.

I woke up with a heartache and longing that i can not fully describe.  I would interpret this dream as a sort of goodbye to tha beautiful memories of him and me in L.A. A sad tribute kind of memory dedicated to the spirituality I found and the beauty i experienced during those years and the tragedy I barely just finally escaped.  It makes me sad to know that he didn't.  We're both on our own journey, our own path now.  I don't want to look back.  We both gotta do what we gotta do- and understand that our paths have split.

If I could bear to write the words i'd tell him that i love him although not as actively as before, definitely will never change what we had.  He's the reason I stopped using and my reason for staying clean, besides for myself and to better myself. But he's the reason I go hard and am on this self-improvement self-love journey.  He pushed me to it.  He showed me who I wanted to be and i would tell him thank you. and i think it broke his heart to see me leave.  But i know in my heart he wants me to be happy and i want tha same for him always.  For me- it was never about owning him- it was always about loving him and always having his best interests at heart.  I'd tell him that its not goodbye, just a to be continued.

Last night I had kindof a sad dream.  In my dream I was in Hawaii somewhere out in the jungles.  It was peaceful but raining hard.  Everything was very wet and the landscape was beautiful and lush and green.  I was in a misty wet paradise underneath a large makeshift tent waiting for my cousin Thy to come back from somewhere.  I was laying under the tent somewhat afraid of the rain and what may be beyond in the jungle biut it was lonely just me by myself. There was also an injured cat.  I was scared of it. Then i saw Lynette and she was very reassuring and I was happy to see her.

Reubin Buelna #AD7406

housed in MA24.



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