New Year`s Eve :)

I can`t believe I haven`t written in 6 months .Life has been so good to me . I have not used & I stopped drinking 4 months ago in September & honestly i`m already well on my way to forever . I`m really proud of myself. I learned how to live a healthy life & cope with my stress in better ways than to reach out for drugs.

Nowadays i`m in bed by 7 & up by 6 p.m. I fuccen love it. I love how much sleep i`ve been spoiling myself with. I need it & deserve it. I work 3 days a week and am saving for Vietnam this summer . I moved out and live in Sherman Oaks now. I share a beautiful and cozy home with the kindest, most sweetest woman and her 4 cats who each have a personality of their own . Moving out and into this home was probably the ebst thing that could have happened to me, but it took months of preperation.. but so fuccen worth it . I`m safe here . I don`t party anymore and weekends are spent sleeping or on the phone with Marvin .

Christmas was good .. I got presents for 8 people this year & it made me really happy to think about others and make them happy . The focus of this year was really on me working on myself and striving to be a better woman & daughter & friend . Best of all , i`m well on my way to complete and total well being .. i`m back on my raw smoothies and lifestyle . I love life and i have really embraced transformation and beautiful ideas like compassion, kindness, and loving acceptance . Positive & constructive thinking is a must & I really am inspired to make 2012 the best year ever! :)

It amazes me now to sit and vibe to V1llains music and fully realize that a lot of his songs are about me.,,I used to have a hard time believing it, but now its just like...damn i should have known...

Sometimes i feel so hopeless about the situation. Everyday i see myself- i'm reminded of my toxic shame and i'm haunted by my past in a schizophrenic manner almost. and the choices i've made.. So I ask myself, what's so wrong with me and why i'm having such a hard time dealing with it? I keep telling myself, i just need to hang in there, until my brain recovers from the damage caused by my meth use... and research overwhelmingly indicates that if i can hang on and stay clean for just 1 YEAR, that my impulse control and my brain will be functioning like a normal person's again, one who has never used meth even once. It makes me hopeful because i'm nearly halfway there, and this is an immense milestone for me... I just really gotta believe in myself and hold onto hope that i can do it...its all possible, if i can remember one liners like my worst day sober is better than my best day high: cause at least today i can say i have good health and i am in active recovery and willing to face whatever needs to be done to move forward instead of behind.

full moon

There comes that mysterious meeting in life when someone acknowledges who we are and what we can be, igniting the circuits of our highest potential...

I miss 0so. I haven't seen him in 2 months. I miss spending time with him going cruising down Hollywood, or going to the bookstore or hobbystore. I miss my homiE. He was the only one who gave a fuck about my feelings while I was staying at his pad. A true friend...

They say a great builder takes care of his or her tools. I have been trying to prioritize on my health by sleeping at a decent time, making better food choices, and excercising 3 times a week. Today, I want to honor me and my decision to prioritize to the fullest by being out in nature and beginning to take in more juices and smoothies.:-)

I feel like I am beginning to regress and starting to re experience the health I had in the years before I started using. It makes me ultimately hopeful- like this new way of life that i have found is powerful enough to not only change my thoughts and my world- but also change my mental, emotional, and physical age. This is the brain that functions. The brain that works. The brain that is undamaged. I have real hope for myself again.

Anyways, I just looking through some old pics and stumbled across Kitty's pictures. I miss her. She's so beautiful now. I just find myself feeling proud of the woman she is becoming.

I am sooo happy. I know a happiness now that you would not believe. I'm happy because, I'm not imprisoned by my addiction anymore. I'm free... and it is the most amazing feeling.

I have been increasingly seeing the divine and miraculous in the most mundane of things.I've been remembering my dreams and understanding the messages of my spirit through the symbolism. I am able to feel God within my own body and see the world through the perception of a holographic soul. Lastly I am making the conscious effort to connect to everyone in my life on a heart and soul level. I have experienced an increasing sense of empathy and compassion for all people, and it comes with my newfound courage to willingly share my emotions. That being said, I feel bliss and find joy in the smallest of things and my intention is to free my mind 4ever.

I'm kind of experiencing one of my moods again. It caught me off guard. While I was on the phone with Marv1n--- i felt all these conflicting emotions suddenly rush up on me, and then i just felt suspended in my own frustrations. I know I am releasing emotions that don't serve me, and all the deep issues are beginning to come to the top. I've been ignoring the pain by stuffing it down with drugs and alcohol all these years, and now its all coming up and i need to face it. I ask God to help me through these weak moments, and strengthen my faith that I will come out of this stronger. I know I will as long as I keep pressing forward with patience and self love. I need to be kind with myself and walk myself through this with the knowing that this is a process that requires me to be truthful and loving with myself....

divine intervention♥

It has been challenging, and at times I was afraid of not knowing what was on the other side of the coin, but I have been patient, and I have been willing, and I have been STRONG...

And today I can look anyone in the eye and say that I have been CLEAN for 120 days. =]

Like Jack said, "Life's a gift. And i dont intend to waste it".

I'm just so happy. I am HEALTHY again! I have stayed clean for the longest stretch of time now since the age of 14. It was hard, ill admit it, and there were times when I thought I couldnt do it, but I kept believing, I kept hoping, I kept trusting, and I kept on to my faith that with God holding my hand every step of the way, and with the support of my family and friends' encouragement- that I could do it. I am filled with joy and happiness....I am in a place of peace, and i surrender my life to my Higher Power.

Easter

I am in the no mind right now- the space in which the feeling takes over me-
like I am experiencing a strange illusory part of my soul like i had never done before.

radio

Here we go...Come with me...Theres a world o0ut there that we sho0uld see...
Take my hand...close your eyes...with you out here i'm a Rocketeer. Let's flyyyYyyyyyy.

I've been having the weirdest dreams.

A couple of nights ago I dreamt that i was in the wild in a forest very much like in the movie Twilight. I was with a boy and he was a hunter, very much like Jake. We was handsome and built. We stood at the edge of a cliff looking down at the darkness below. It was a bottomless lake. Dark and grim. Murky and black. I felt anxiety at knowing i might fall in with him. Our surroundings were strange and unfamiliar around me- yet stark and painstakingly haunting and beautiful. Nature can be so dark and brooding. I wondered if we fell in there would be creatures down there to devour me alive. Before i knew it- he grabbed my arm and we dived in. Immersed in the dark lake i was suddenly fearful because i couldnt see below the surface- it was all black. But he held on to me and i felt so safe, because his arms were so strong and fastened tightly around me.

Then last night I had a dream in which i was chased practically around the world into different dimensions by.... a person. But who it was, i forgot. I remember i was expert at escaping them in all situations- i just intuitively knew exactly what to do presented the option before me. They seemed to be threatening- the way the chased me. I was really fearful. At one point i jumped on a huge flower which was floating down the river and i escaped on it like it was a little ship. Then a little puppy hopped on and i broke off the stems and the flower became a floating craft that took us away into the skies.....

I think my dreams are returning.

Me and Thy went to the beach yesterday. The weather was perfect. The skies were beautiful. The air was clear and clean, and i just lay on my yoga mat in pure bliss & ecstasy...............

Wow! The Universe really lined up quite an exiting morning for me today and i really wanna share it with you journal! First of all, I woke up feeling SO uh-ma-zing! Seriously! I was SO excited to get my day started! I'm on Day 2 of my 21 day challenge- in which i plan to work every single day and reinforce a positive habit of getting to work everyday for 21 days- no ifs, ands, or butts! lol! I would accomplish a lot and fulfill multiple ongoing goals of getting excercise and staying fit, putting myself out there more, having more fun outside, and to save money to finance more dance training! wooHooo! This is all just coming together for me! Today i went to Real Raw Live and got my daily supershot! It was so good! haha ! I am addicted to the sting of the ginger and cayenne pepper! I had a forever green and tried a french toast smoothie for the first time: It was SOOOO DELICIOUS! Everything i imagined and more! Gosh was it yummy! Thennnnn I went grocery shopping at Trader Joes on a "hunch" and in the parking lot I was recruited by the lovely ladies for a new fitness dance team! I'm going to have a screening with the coordinator next week and i am freakane excited! The Universe gave me everything i have asked for in the most impossible and exiting ways! I am just filled with so much LOVE and GRATITUDE right now, and i feel a deep inner PEace and JOy that i stuck with this and i keep pressing forward on my journey to rediscovering myself! Wow! This is the BEST DAY EVER!!!!!!!!!

If you loved me you wuld not be using..........

Shinedown lyrics

It's 4:03, and I can't sleep
Without you next to me, I toss and turn like the sea...

i had a sad dream

That i just woke up from. In my dream I was in a library with this boy, (unknown), my lover. He was a bald headed southsider. The librarian was playing a film clip for us of a wanted vampire and his companion. In the film the two were fighting kung fu style on a school bench in the middle of the nucleus. I remembered feeling sharp pangs of recognition and a poignant nostalgia seeing the man on the screen. He had dark blonde hair in a tight ponytail- and baggy black clothing. I think he was mine in a past lifetime. A friend in another time and place. I missed him. I watched astonished but suddenly i had the urge to seek out books to guide me in my career choice. The song Voyage Voyage began playing on the newsreel. I couldn't believe it. The librarian brought me to another section of the library- it was then that the library was usddenly filled up with rushing people. I grabbed my friend and she pulled me down the passageways of shouting and hurried people. We were so scared- the ship was sinking. I realized I was on the Titanic. About halfway out- I reached my bald boyfriend. I didnt want to pass him by- and he urged me to go the direction he was headed for. But all my power and my will realized he wasnt going anywhere- at that moment time froze and we stood still. My homegirl broke us apart and we ran off the ship, sonehow in the net scene we passed an asian outdoor market and i hurriedly considered taking some food- but there was no time, We ran far ahead in the opposite direction of the ship. I looked behind me and saw the great ship snap in two, and in my mind i pictured a flood beyond us rushing to swallow us whole. Then we made it to Thy's backyard and we climbed on the white swing set. Me and my girl held onto the ropes of the swing and tied ourselves to each other. We watched as the ship sunk on the horizon- and i cried knowing my boyfriend was still on it. It was a beautiful sunny bright white morning- and me and my girl stood strong watching the still scene beyond. We made it.

I noticed we were both wearing long flowing white dresses. I looked down- nd in that moment- i realized my full round belly.

We were posted on our own lil world on Alvarad0 n Kent all day yesterday. We got so much closer and then in the morning we started agruing and i dont think it had anything to do with me. I love him but i just wanna disengage from the madness he is involved in......................Bryan you are no good for me. Player

I'm 80 days clean from all drugs & alcohol!

Booyah! Cherish it for gods sake!

He was in jail for 2 and a half weeks...
Upon release i took him to court and we hang out at his sisters house
and on Occidental...in his hood.......we told B0bby its over....

I cant believe he's still in love with me even though ive told him from the get go i just need his protection...I wish i was close with B0bby again...

The streets haven't completely broken her. She's not a lost cause yet. It's not too late for her. 'Cause she's smart. She comes from a good family. She has people that care about her. That's why I like her.

I don't think that she belongs here. Most of the junkies tell me the same thing. They all say she doesn't belong here. She's too smart. She's too pretty. She has too much going for her to let her life just waste away here in Los Angeles on the street.

60 days clean....from meth and alcohol

I am in a really good place right now. I feel like I have a support system that genuinely cares abo9ut my well-being. And I feel so thankful to have that one person who listens to me and I can share anything with them, and feel safe to because I know they truly believe in me...

I feel overwhelmed. I have this sinking feeling in my chest like something bad might happen. Not to me but idk. I felt overwhelming love earlier today. My two Temples called me on the phone to express to me their concern for my well being and the direction im taking myself in life. My heart feels healed. These two have gotten together to make sure I do well. I cant believe how loving the Universe is, that it would bring this love to me from the two people that have always been so kind and loving. So this happened on the day I lost a soldier. My Macklay Boy is incarcerated, but he stands by me as well. The soldiers are beginning to come up to my doorstep. I need to be well and be strong. I need to love myself unconditionally and set my intention on positive change and move forward with their support.  Flak0 & Play3r you 2 are my niggerz

I am happy.Excited, a little scared, but ultimately humbled by what the world has laid down before my feet.

la la by the delfonics♥

I'm listening to oldies this late at night, drifting on a memory, getting caught up in the rapture, "Gonna take a mircacle" and the Delfonics "la la"... makes me shed a tear.

NEVER LEAVE ME ALONE

-.-

Play3r got me sick -.-

I've been about 90% high raw with daily supershots.
I love Real Raw Live.

Play3r got me sick -.-
What the heck.

A woman's heart is

a deep ocean of secrets.

BRY4N C FORSTER

so me and play4r have been hanging out almost every day.  he is so sweet to me.  i went with him to bring B00bs some soup. His mommy made some bomb adobo and soup and we chilled there for a sec and he had his arm around me and was calling me baby- so he was obviously trying to give b00bs the impression that we are together. then he drove me to his cousins house and introduced me to his family. then we went to the silverlake reservoir and he rolled a blunt and we just blazed watching the lake. it was purdy chill. but anyways made it a perfect nite with Play3r

THEIR COMING

I cut and colored my hair yesterday. Starting fresh. Then Play3r called me up and we went to the Observatory. He took me hiking on the trail all the way up the mountain and we watched the city below. The view was amazing. The lights are just so beautiful. We just sat there and talked. He had a really good pair of binoculars and we just watched the night sky.

I was so happy. I mean, the day had a combinations of all the things I love most- nature, night time, hiking, stars, and a beautiful moon in the sky. We even talked about aliens lol. Needless to say, it was a good day. After that we had dinner at Boiling Shrimp and we went to his house after to lay and cuddle and watch t.v.

:]

I cried on take off when the plane went up into the sky and I watched Saigon disappear under the clouds. Then upon seeing the city lights of Los Angeles as we landed, I cried again. Aint no city like mine.

I feel like my souls been catapulted from another planet
Cause who knows?


man i fuken love the man who spoke these words. he was so real. his level of awareness was on another level even then. he advised me to gather my mind, and well, it's a matter of time.

LUNAR NEW YEAR

I GOT 777 REVELATIONS FOR YOU.

LOYALTY ABOVE ALL LAWS.

I GOT MY PERIOD YESTERDAY.

It's about that time again...

Higher power is calling back to the raw life.... I'm ready.

The train i took from Saigon hit and killed somebody on the way to my hometown. I believe children are highly psychic because all night the kids on the train were having night terrors and no one slept that well. I feel sad somebody lost their life. Anyway,

I have been sleeping all day and eating when im up. My family has been extremely hospitable and my aunt is loving, kind, and patient as usual. I wanna call her mom. She's the best. I'm spoiled with food. I'm going to get porky again fasho.


The weather here is TERRIFIC. Cloudy and cool, its nothing like the summers ive spent here. There is no humidity and i do not sweat all day.

I keep thinking about the life i lived before i came here- i think about Bobby and Player non stop. im fully appreciating the love the showed me and all the wonderful things they brought to me. i wanna stay sober when i get back, so my plan is to make things right with myself so when i return i can be around and not smoke. I miss B0bby the most. :/