Take responsibility for your internal condition.  It's your job to take care of how you feel at any moment during the day.  We have to remember that nature has a sense of humor.  It's sending people into our lives to help us.  Your greatest adversary is your greatest friend.  Tap into your authenticity as a co-creator.  The perception we have of ourselves is greater than the perception others have of us.  That is the secret.  Infinite waters diving deep...

evolving.

So i've been sick the past week.  I came down with something last Saturday.  I hung out with my boyfriend and we drank Scotch and went to Commerce Casino... he was getting over something he picked up from his niece.  Anywho, i'm not sick much, and i feel much better.  I even got to play lasertag with my boyfriend and his brother yesterday.  It was really fun but also tiring after a few games.  My inner competitiveness came out and I became less nice as usual. 

Lately i've been dealing with a lot of personal challenges that have to do with me and baby's relationship.  I really hope that i can overcome my own issues so that we can be happier.  I think anything is possible since we both love each other so much.  I'm always happy around him and i cant wait to move in with him, soon. 

||| Emotional Music Beauty Touch - Beauty Of This World ( Part 4 ) ||| (...

It's been awhile and i've decided to post.  I'm going through some things right now and initially felt an overwhelming need to talk to someone for advice and get some insight into my situation on how to make it better and feel better.  I must admit life has been very challenging ever since my boyfriend got out of prison.  Nothing is the same, and my whole world did change overnight. We just had a fight and it's our first big fight in awhile, and yes, it did end up with me sobbing, in tears, crying, tissues, the works.  Sadly for me, i don't really have many friends, if any, that i feel comfortable turning to about my problems and completely reveal my life and myself in that way.  I'm just not that close with people, and logically so, since i'm wary of opening up in the first place.  I hardly feel comfortable turning to my family or cousins that i am close to.  For some reason, even when i'm feeling really bad and facing difficult challenges- i don't turn to them at all, though i get a feeling they would help me.  I wish i could, but i feel a sense of ownership over my problems and not wanting to burden them or bother them with whats going on with me.

I can definitely see how some people turn to committing suicide and killing themselves.  I am not in any way saying that my problems are in any way on that caliber or that i am suicidal at all... just that i see how people feel like they cant turn to anyone and their problems seem so overwhelming.  Luckily for me, i have the wisdom and strength to always see myself through every problem- and for that i am truly grateful, yes, to myself.  Even just beginning to hash out these first few paragraphs to you i already feel an immediately relief.  Along with playing some beautiful Ruth Barnett music from the 2009 Tom Hardy Wuthering Heights soundtrack, which is so beautiful that it makes me cry beautiful tears.  It makes me realize and feel the beauty of my own soul.  No one else in the world can make me feel better than I can, and truly, it is so empowering realizing this, because it is the truth.  Even now, when i am upset, although i feel badly, it's an almost beautiful, romantic sadness.  My emotions have become so beautified ever since transitioning away from processed foods.  I am happy about this.

I realize that me, on my own, unadulterated by the influences of others, am relentlessly positive and have a strength and determination that causes me to look at myself in wonder and amazement... at everything i've ever accomplished.  It fills me up with faith and gives me hope when i look beyond and envision the course of my life that is ahead.  The easiest part is knowing that i choose to vibrate to the frequency of love, and that's the only road i ever want to take meanwhile my soul is participating in this divine experiment of consciousness.  So i direct my intention and dedicate myself to the fulfillment of the most Divine.  To the higher power whose hands direct the unfolding of this magnificently tended to planet Earth and the cosmic powers beyond it, my full attention goes to you.

I open myself up to allow all your blessings flow through to me, in whatever forms are deemed most necessary to the evolution of my soul, i know and feel you holding me in palm of your hand.  All i need for the journey is for the strength to keep my faith that i am guided by a benevolent source of the highest of the highest forms of light and love.  I welcome all teachers, healers, nurturers, and facilitators along the way... thank you for already guiding me into such loving arms- that only want the best for me.  And give me the wisdom to heed good advice, and keep me clear and receptive to allowing the focus of all the greatest forms of light and love into my evolving state of consciousness.   I thank you for all my blessings so far, for the presence of your angels in my dreams, and for the revealance of your word through the beautiful foods that i eat, and the loving beings i have in my life.  Lastly, please allow me to continue doing your work with love and patience to all around me that i interact with.  & Thank you for reaching me now and till forevermore.

A recording of dreams of this past month and beyond.

Today Jan. 16, 2014-
Last night i had a dream about Sna.  We were sitting at a dinner table in someones dreary house and it was dark with dim lighting.  No one was paying attention to us.  He was across the table from me and we were talking, for the first time in awhile.  I looked at him and understood his condition immediately.  I told him that i've been struggling with meth for 5 years.  He looked at me really sad and told me "that's why my aunt never really introduced us.  Becus she was afraid we would use together. "  We both looked at each other knowingly, in a way that only two addicts who have been through it would understand each other.  It was a strong immediate bond and the impact i felt from that exchange gave me a surge of energy and faith.  I woke up with a strong desire to reach out to him- i can only imagine why my soul would bring him to visit me in my dream.

Jan. 14, 2014-
I dreamt i was at some nighttime marathon at a park somewhere on a big expansive hill.  Two groups of runners were going opposite directions at the blow of a whistle.  I went in the same direction that Anastasia went in.  Followed her and rolled it out in the end, winning the marathon, but no one noticed i finished first because everyone was still running the marathon.  I looked up at the stars above and started to climb up the bunk up to Wynter's bed.  No one was there.
Then in another dream i was on a speedboat with a few celebrities and someone fell asleep at the wheel and the boat crashed hard onto someone's roof and into their bathroom and we all fell into the tub.  There was Cameron Diaz, Natalie Portman, and an unrecognizable male. 

Jan. 2, 2014-
I dreamt that I saw Peanut and we were on a bus traveling to an unknown destination.  The feeling was uneasy and bad and the sun was setting but it felt good to see someone i knew.  He seemed really sad.  We made a stop and i hopped off real quick to donate some goods to a shelter.  I was going to get free workout books but woke up.  Poor Peanuthead. :\