It amazes me now to sit and vibe to V1llains music and fully realize that a lot of his songs are about me.,,I used to have a hard time believing it, but now its just like...damn i should have known...

Sometimes i feel so hopeless about the situation. Everyday i see myself- i'm reminded of my toxic shame and i'm haunted by my past in a schizophrenic manner almost. and the choices i've made.. So I ask myself, what's so wrong with me and why i'm having such a hard time dealing with it? I keep telling myself, i just need to hang in there, until my brain recovers from the damage caused by my meth use... and research overwhelmingly indicates that if i can hang on and stay clean for just 1 YEAR, that my impulse control and my brain will be functioning like a normal person's again, one who has never used meth even once. It makes me hopeful because i'm nearly halfway there, and this is an immense milestone for me... I just really gotta believe in myself and hold onto hope that i can do it...its all possible, if i can remember one liners like my worst day sober is better than my best day high: cause at least today i can say i have good health and i am in active recovery and willing to face whatever needs to be done to move forward instead of behind.

full moon

There comes that mysterious meeting in life when someone acknowledges who we are and what we can be, igniting the circuits of our highest potential...

I miss 0so. I haven't seen him in 2 months. I miss spending time with him going cruising down Hollywood, or going to the bookstore or hobbystore. I miss my homiE. He was the only one who gave a fuck about my feelings while I was staying at his pad. A true friend...

They say a great builder takes care of his or her tools. I have been trying to prioritize on my health by sleeping at a decent time, making better food choices, and excercising 3 times a week. Today, I want to honor me and my decision to prioritize to the fullest by being out in nature and beginning to take in more juices and smoothies.:-)

I feel like I am beginning to regress and starting to re experience the health I had in the years before I started using. It makes me ultimately hopeful- like this new way of life that i have found is powerful enough to not only change my thoughts and my world- but also change my mental, emotional, and physical age. This is the brain that functions. The brain that works. The brain that is undamaged. I have real hope for myself again.

Anyways, I just looking through some old pics and stumbled across Kitty's pictures. I miss her. She's so beautiful now. I just find myself feeling proud of the woman she is becoming.

I am sooo happy. I know a happiness now that you would not believe. I'm happy because, I'm not imprisoned by my addiction anymore. I'm free... and it is the most amazing feeling.