I woke up early today and couldn't go back to sleep.
There's just too many things on my mind.

I modified my phone plan last night... it felt good.
Sometimes you need to end things that no longer serve you.

People upset me.
Yes i hide it very well.

My first reaction to betrayal is primal-
I just wanna beat somebody down.
My second reaction is to pure hate.
Its upsetting that someone will be so fucked up to make you feel this way.
I just want to tell them off- but it would only make the situation worse.

So I just gotta let it go.
Knowing that, at least I handled my business well.
Cus all i know is to handle my shit the right way.  Common sense and decency will get you far.
But not everyone you interact with on this planet will understand that.

I wonder why people keep having kids when they don't even take care of the kids they already have?  Well I hope you enjoy the process of having another one that you can't support or give the proper care or attention it needs.  The sad thing is that there won't be a father figure.  But hey, some people are satisfied to make those kind of choices for themselves.  I see cruelty and desperation in your actions.  I feel sorry for you and i don't have to hope but i know you'll get what you deserve. 

As for me... i'm getting better each and every day in each and every way.

Hawaii is just beautiful.
Hawaii is visually healing,
a serene oasis paradise and
miraculous string of islands
in the middle of the Pacific ocean.
I love it here.

I had a flurry of painful dreams last night.

In one of them me and Noah hated each other and ignored each other and he was living that lifestyle while i was in Chicago working as a coffee shop girl.  There was a sense of anger and bitterness to this fight that was unprecedented in our other fights,  In all previous arguments i would disappear on him and he would know im mad but constantly try to call and patch things up by telling me he loves me , etc.  Sometimes after a week of giving me my space, the majority of it oblivious the the fact im even upset by anything at all.But in the dream he was equally set on never seeing me again.  Then one day i was at his moms house visiting his mom and she was quite distraught about him having terrible friends who are always over and i told her i never wanted to see him again.  At that moment he called her on the phone he was in the house with friends and i hid in the closet.  I didnt want to see him cus im stubborn like that and i didnt want it to look like i was there for him.  I heard and saw him walk through even though i did not peak out.. it was a psychic kind of thing.  In the room, i "saw" him pick up his phone and call someone... it was me that he called. And we spoke on the phone (while i was still hiding in the closet yet he didnt hear me except on the phone).  He was sorry he wanted to see me blah blah blah.  I dont remember much else except i was then back at the club and i was working with a whole bunch of white girls.  We were all in our bikinis and i was choosing my outfit for the day..i decided on a tiny red bikini,  The vibe between the girls and me- was close knit.  Which felt good.  I ordered a huge loaf of bread that was filled with this chocolate cream...it was soooo good. Then my older coworker saw her idol Pamela Anderson and we all were happy for her.  She thanked me and said it was because of me.  Somehow me eating that chocolate fllled loaf of bread made it happen.  I cant remember too clearly.

Then was the wonderfully tender scene i dreamt last.  I was in a strange house but still living with Lynette.  I was sitting in a dim lit room on a pile of blankets when Reba appeared.  Astonished and filled with pure joy i had the courage to reach out and touch her.. and she was in the physical!  I knew even in my dream that she had deceased which was so amazing because i realized her ghost was solid, and she made it that way and appeared to me as well as allowed me to hold her.  I took her in my arms and wrapped my body around her and held her close to my heart.  She was equally joyous.  She had weight too, just like in life.  By all means she came back fully in her cat form.  I called out to Lynette that Reba had appeared to me and she was in my arms and seconds later Lynette appeared.  But by then Reba had gone "unvisible", yet i still felt her presence strongly in my room, even in my arms.  Lynette believed me though.  Then i went into my room and caught Reba crawling into a closet and hiding in the clothes staring at me mischiviously- but with love.  Then she crawled into a hole and wnet back to the other side.

Next scene i was wandering a party it looked more like ozzfest-  i was with this kid who was in a band.  We saw some dead people on the way.  It was fun but the mood was quite sombre and dark.


I miss Reba. So much,

solidarity

Man people are juss not with me nowadays. 
I have set the intention to find friends with solidarity.
Responsible individuals who have maturity and integrity and live conciously.
I refuse to settle and give in to peer pressure.
Everyone in my circle of friends and age group are still into partying;
Smoking weed, smoking cigs, drinking every weekend-
or the horrible combination of all 3.. im just not feelin it.
Like c'mon, i had high school and college to learn my lessons & realize that,
It's not the life i want to lead.  I'm so over abusing my body and neglecting
the reason why I'm here on this planet.
I feel a sense and a real urgency to consciously evolve and to unload this burden of
negative attachments to all these people/involvements that no longer serve me and my
higher purpose. 

I have discovered that I love to be healthy.  I love to eat healthy and study about positive thinking and the law of attraction.  I love to do research on holistic healing, raw food nutrition, and the mind body connection.  I am learning to expand my psychic abilities and i love to research and read stories about the paranormal.  I have discovered that I have an overcoming spirit, and am equipped with a fierce intellect and fine-tuned intuition.  I am someone who strives to be a better person and to treat people kindly and always remain honest- especially to myself.  I have discovered that I have a caring nature that desperately needs to have its energies directed towards positive endeavors.  I have discovered that I love cats, and observing their behaviour, and I cherish my bond with these animals.  I have discovered a need to want to adopt, shelter, and care for animals who need loving homes and mommies.  I have discovered a lot of things... i just hunger for the miraculous in life, signs, divine intervention, human angels, anything that brings me alive and sets my spirit free.

I am just about ready to let go of all the people who dont truly serve me.
To make room for what the Universe has in store for me.
It's all good.  The miracle is just around the corner.

I made enough this week to have fun in Hawaii... and i feel super excited now..

Also, I look forward to eating a lot of fresh organic tropical fruits & fresh wild caught fish.
Yummerooooo.:D

I hope to get back healthier.  Anyways i had a bad dream last night.
I was at a strange school and there was a huge presentation.
The school was secretly run by Southsiders and they were planning to blow up the school.
I overheard their plans and i was frantically trying to warn my cousin,
Jacinda was there.  The school was like part school and part mall.
There were many stories i stood at the top with the leaders of all the gangs
or whatever and they trusted me
but inside i just wanted to get the fuck out.
And then the bomb went off and created a huge earthquake.
I felt the mall/school building collapsing underneath me.
It was s scaryyyy:(.