I just woke up from the most horrifying nightmare. I was a student in this urban school... It didn't look like any school in La, more like the east coast. It was a wet rainy day. The school building was one huge multi-level building. I was sitting in class on one of the higher levels when an alarm went off signaling that an earthquake would hit VERY soon. Unpredictably soon. Panicked, I looked around to see many students fleeing, running, screaming, rightfully as panicked as I am. Outside I could see it was nighttime, a stormy night. So i get up and rush out. The voice announcer said, "Drop all your things and quickly exit the building, don't even try to look for your backpacks!"
I remember thinking in my head, NO, i'm going to hang onto my stuff and picked up two backpacks (they were both mine). I remember stuffing as much stuff into them as I can. I knew I might needed them, in case it really was an emergency type situation. Which I felt 100% it would be. As i was running down the stairs, i saw some people still working on, the staff but i kept going. I exited and ran around the corner to another house, stashed my stuff in the shadows and ran back into the school to get the one backpack i was bent of looking for.
I had a short convo with the last lady in the building, she was cooking food, the cafeteria lady. I did not understand why she was still working. She invited me to eat a few pieces of the green jello bites she had made, and I did. She was so calm. I thought, hell i'm getting outta here. I finally exited and ran down the street. At this point it was already dawn.
I was walking when i noticed my bags were feeling SO heavy all of a sudden. I tossed 2 and kept only one that had some clothes in it. At that moment i heard the most terrifying thunder behind me and froze and crouched flat on the ground. The EVIL FORCE was many many yards behind me, and coming, for any souls! I didn't move but start crawling farther. At one point i was cornered somewhere and I managed to use my strength to escape. It was a force that had a plug and used it's power to turn on electricity and make anything surge. That's how it knew to drain the energy and destroy. I finally got away and the dream ended in me looking up at a 12 foot white fence, wondering how i would ever move forward.
Wednesday, September 10, 2014
Saturday, August 23, 2014
What can i say? In one day my whole life turned upside down. It hurts so much. Because even after all he did to hurt me, i still love him. I think about that humble, caring, loving prisoner that i fell in love with. The voice that carried me to sleep everynight and i didnt feel so alone.
I don't know what happened, but i know for whatever reason, he no longer believes in that beautiful life we dreamed up together. I just need to accept tht my life has changed, and it will never be the same. I think about the day i woke up from the hospital and i saw him standing there. In his work clothes, stained with paint. My heart was so full because i saw he love in his eyes for me, and i was so touched that he came.
I don't know what happened, but i know for whatever reason, he no longer believes in that beautiful life we dreamed up together. I just need to accept tht my life has changed, and it will never be the same. I think about the day i woke up from the hospital and i saw him standing there. In his work clothes, stained with paint. My heart was so full because i saw he love in his eyes for me, and i was so touched that he came.
Tuesday, August 19, 2014
What gets me through this the most is knowing that i am letting him be free to follow his dreams. He says he can never reach his goals with me and as much as it breaks my heart to know that he truly believes that, what can i do but let him go. I'll always love him even though he broke my heart after all this time. After all the time, pain, fights, struggle, hopes fears, tears, and heartache... its finally over. And i cant believe he doesnt love me anymore and is so willing to give up what we have instead of work on it. But... if this will lead to his success and happiness, then goodbye my penguin. :(
Saturday, August 16, 2014
Thursday, August 14, 2014
Day 2
You'll always be my best friend, and i'll always love you but go on with your life and ill go on with mine, just don't forget me.
"What is done in love is well done"
-Vincent van Gogh
"What is done in love is well done"
-Vincent van Gogh
Wednesday, August 6, 2014
An internal struggle
I know it's not good to talk about and think about the things that you're not happy about, but for me, this has been weighing me down for some time and since I don't have close girl friends I can talk to at the point in my life... i'm going to voice my concerns here. Even if this goes against law of attraction, what i am studying.
Sometimes, when it comes to my relationship- I feel like I am on a sinking ship.
It's a point where I reflect on our challenges, and it saddens me to notice that the things we fight about the most, are the same arguments over and over. He makes promises, breaks them, lies, breaks my heart, and out of pure love and forgiveness I give him more chances but i am starting to see that he does not want to change... and that is a problem that i, no matter how hard i try to think positive, to be grateful for whats good, cannot ignore. Some things... I am just not okay with.
Not to say that he is not a good man, BUT in the context of your relationship, if you know that your partner becomes really upset on certain "sensitive topics and issues" for example. smoking marijuana, and they expressedly ask you to stop and you don't...it's easy to conclude that your partner does not care about your feelings enough. It's selfishness. BUT from his point of view, my problem should be big enough to leave. And i'm honestly considering.
The thought of leaving him has been lingering at the back of my mind for months now.
I love him and i absolutely love who he is and spending time with him, but if he continues to head in a direction that makes me super upset everytime and causes fights that are never resolved,
I may just have to love myself enough to say, I have had enough.
You do not value me.
You do not honor me.
You do not respect me.
Because if you did,
you would honor my requests.
And i dont make many.
I am too embarassed by this, but there are certain things i have given up on asking him. It's things that he used to do to impress me and make me feel special, but now, he doesn't do them anymore.
I would ask him:
Why don't you ever text me while you're at work to tell me you miss me and that you love me?
You used to do it everyday, many times a day, when you were in prison.
Nowadays, i wish to hear it from you first. But i usually just go ahead and be the one to do it,
because i know it would make you happy to receive that text message.
I do it almost everyday..i wonder if it even means anything to you.
Why don't you ever surprise me with flowers?
I always hint at it, have even asked you, and when we go to markets that sell flowers,
I always stop to smell them, talk about how beautiful they are, and say,
"I LOVE the smell of flowers. These are beautiful."
I also talk about how even flowers hand picked would make a lovely sentiment..
But you never notice.
I used to write you love notes and surprise letters.
But you never responded to them,
so i have become discouraged and stopped.
Every time we stop by a toy store, you say, "I want to get a toy for Kylie"
and as cute and as much as that warms my heart,
I wonder why you never think that for me.
I wonder if when you're out with your friends,
you think, "Id like to get something for Tammy".
In the past month or two, i have hinted at liking for you to plan a date/day for us.
Maybe take me to a nice restaurant.
You have yet to do so, and i have given up hope to see it happen.
I have tried to cook for you a few times,
I can count the number of times on my hand.
I'm not a cook but i made the effort.
None of those times you told me it was good.
It just discouraged me from trying.
And the last time i cooked for you, I got everything ready and prepared to enjoy a nice meal with you,
and you decided to stay at work an extra hour voluntarily. Even though you knew i worked hard to prepare you a meal and was waiting a home, hungry.
I know these things don't make you a bad person at all
but i just dont feel special at all smetimes to you.
Sometimes, when it comes to my relationship- I feel like I am on a sinking ship.
It's a point where I reflect on our challenges, and it saddens me to notice that the things we fight about the most, are the same arguments over and over. He makes promises, breaks them, lies, breaks my heart, and out of pure love and forgiveness I give him more chances but i am starting to see that he does not want to change... and that is a problem that i, no matter how hard i try to think positive, to be grateful for whats good, cannot ignore. Some things... I am just not okay with.
Not to say that he is not a good man, BUT in the context of your relationship, if you know that your partner becomes really upset on certain "sensitive topics and issues" for example. smoking marijuana, and they expressedly ask you to stop and you don't...it's easy to conclude that your partner does not care about your feelings enough. It's selfishness. BUT from his point of view, my problem should be big enough to leave. And i'm honestly considering.
The thought of leaving him has been lingering at the back of my mind for months now.
I love him and i absolutely love who he is and spending time with him, but if he continues to head in a direction that makes me super upset everytime and causes fights that are never resolved,
I may just have to love myself enough to say, I have had enough.
You do not value me.
You do not honor me.
You do not respect me.
Because if you did,
you would honor my requests.
And i dont make many.
I am too embarassed by this, but there are certain things i have given up on asking him. It's things that he used to do to impress me and make me feel special, but now, he doesn't do them anymore.
I would ask him:
Why don't you ever text me while you're at work to tell me you miss me and that you love me?
You used to do it everyday, many times a day, when you were in prison.
Nowadays, i wish to hear it from you first. But i usually just go ahead and be the one to do it,
because i know it would make you happy to receive that text message.
I do it almost everyday..i wonder if it even means anything to you.
Why don't you ever surprise me with flowers?
I always hint at it, have even asked you, and when we go to markets that sell flowers,
I always stop to smell them, talk about how beautiful they are, and say,
"I LOVE the smell of flowers. These are beautiful."
I also talk about how even flowers hand picked would make a lovely sentiment..
But you never notice.
I used to write you love notes and surprise letters.
But you never responded to them,
so i have become discouraged and stopped.
Every time we stop by a toy store, you say, "I want to get a toy for Kylie"
and as cute and as much as that warms my heart,
I wonder why you never think that for me.
I wonder if when you're out with your friends,
you think, "Id like to get something for Tammy".
In the past month or two, i have hinted at liking for you to plan a date/day for us.
Maybe take me to a nice restaurant.
You have yet to do so, and i have given up hope to see it happen.
I have tried to cook for you a few times,
I can count the number of times on my hand.
I'm not a cook but i made the effort.
None of those times you told me it was good.
It just discouraged me from trying.
And the last time i cooked for you, I got everything ready and prepared to enjoy a nice meal with you,
and you decided to stay at work an extra hour voluntarily. Even though you knew i worked hard to prepare you a meal and was waiting a home, hungry.
I know these things don't make you a bad person at all
but i just dont feel special at all smetimes to you.
Wednesday, July 30, 2014
Hello journal
I just wanted to update a bit on my progress. On June 18 of this year I got a membership to 24 hour fitness with my boyfriend. My first time ever being a member of a gym or even being in a gym. It's a unique and special day in my life because i have pretty much been utilizing my gym membership to the fullest since then, averaging going to the gym 5-6 days a week. So for the past 6 weeks, i have really stepped it up on my fitness journey and it's something I feel REALLY good about!
I'm going to school, bam!
Working out at the gym, bam!
Eating healthy, bam!
Finding balance, bam!
Learning so much about myself throughout it all, and loving and appreciating myself so much more in the process. I am ding the work and I am so happy for myself. I'm gosh darn proud.
Have i told you that my belly is flattening out?
Because it is, and my skin is starting to glow.
I'm becoming leaner, stronger, more mentally fit.
My mental energy is abundant, and I am still going strong-
No alcohol, no drugs, no stimulants, just pure self love energy!
I am happy and satisfied with how far i've moved into a clearer space.
I went to Santa Cruz with my family this weekend and i loved it.
Note to self: Return to Santa Cruz to that beautiful lighthouse, and stay at the Comfort Inn! :)
Thank you for reading. :)
I'm going to school, bam!
Working out at the gym, bam!
Eating healthy, bam!
Finding balance, bam!
Learning so much about myself throughout it all, and loving and appreciating myself so much more in the process. I am ding the work and I am so happy for myself. I'm gosh darn proud.
Have i told you that my belly is flattening out?
Because it is, and my skin is starting to glow.
I'm becoming leaner, stronger, more mentally fit.
My mental energy is abundant, and I am still going strong-
No alcohol, no drugs, no stimulants, just pure self love energy!
I am happy and satisfied with how far i've moved into a clearer space.
I went to Santa Cruz with my family this weekend and i loved it.
Note to self: Return to Santa Cruz to that beautiful lighthouse, and stay at the Comfort Inn! :)
Thank you for reading. :)
R.I.P. Jennifer Kim
The weird thing is we used to always run into each other at mutual friend's house and parties, and not say a word to each other. Somebody had spread damaging rumors that hurt our friendship, but instead of being aggressive and confronting each other about it, we would just ignore each other when we saw each other- which was several times a week. Or we'd move into another room and hangout to not be in the same room to avoid the other person. Today, I am more mature and realize that even though we hated each other for awhile, it was mutual respect that caused us to stay civil even when we ran into each other. I'm blessed with the memory of the very last time I saw you... We helped our mutual friend move and clean out his u-haul space and actually worked together on something. It was nice finally feeling the pressure lift off and knowing we were okay in the same room. It was nothing short of fate that your car overheated afterwards, so while the guys went to fix the problem- we actually had time alone together in the garage room. Our first and last time ever being alone together. Boy, it was nice. And going to 7-11 with you and having you buy me that slurpee, that was really nice of you.
Wednesday, May 28, 2014
Tuesday, May 27, 2014
Grateful.
I feel so good about the progress i am making. Somehow, all the prayers and hard work i've put into self-improvement are paying off and there seems to be a snowball effect, but magnified. Magnified in a way that it has never been magnified. I feel like i've crossed some major thresholds, overcome mental barriers that have not been overcome, being more and feeling more love and abundance and gratitude than ever before.
It must have been my ongoing success at sobriety, and recovery from my drug of choice... i'm almost passing the 2 year mark. Maybe it is knowing I have not had a drop of alcohol in 4 months- even though I have been in tempting situations. Knowing that I choose to love myself to say no and to choose what's best for me. Maybe it's all the healthy green smoothies i'm making from the blentec. Maybe it's finally living my life with my boyfriend- and seeing the fruition of a 3 year dream come to pass. It must have been all those early morning walks, releasing my intentions to the world...or those nighttime walks alone- in powerful prayer to the elements, asking for cleansing, peace, and progress. It must have been the dutiful observance of the moon and her cycles... Finally, my life is becoming so wonderful. I am stepping out and joining up, signing up, and trying out new things that have a healing, edifying benefit for my mind... Acupuncture, angel readings, manifestation courses, diligent study- daily- practicing and memorizing by heart the laws of the Universe. Thank you Divine Intelligence, for hearing my conversation to you. I feel so good and safe knowing that you are listening, and lovingly guiding me to my destiny- and bringing me towards the people, places, oppurtunities, and experiences that are causing me to open up my heart, and to allow myself to receive love.
All these years, I didn't know how to listen to my inner voice. But now, I am hearing my soul song, and returning to the healthy state of mind that I deserve. The Universe is so good. All good. I am at peace with where i am, now.
It must have been my ongoing success at sobriety, and recovery from my drug of choice... i'm almost passing the 2 year mark. Maybe it is knowing I have not had a drop of alcohol in 4 months- even though I have been in tempting situations. Knowing that I choose to love myself to say no and to choose what's best for me. Maybe it's all the healthy green smoothies i'm making from the blentec. Maybe it's finally living my life with my boyfriend- and seeing the fruition of a 3 year dream come to pass. It must have been all those early morning walks, releasing my intentions to the world...or those nighttime walks alone- in powerful prayer to the elements, asking for cleansing, peace, and progress. It must have been the dutiful observance of the moon and her cycles... Finally, my life is becoming so wonderful. I am stepping out and joining up, signing up, and trying out new things that have a healing, edifying benefit for my mind... Acupuncture, angel readings, manifestation courses, diligent study- daily- practicing and memorizing by heart the laws of the Universe. Thank you Divine Intelligence, for hearing my conversation to you. I feel so good and safe knowing that you are listening, and lovingly guiding me to my destiny- and bringing me towards the people, places, oppurtunities, and experiences that are causing me to open up my heart, and to allow myself to receive love.
All these years, I didn't know how to listen to my inner voice. But now, I am hearing my soul song, and returning to the healthy state of mind that I deserve. The Universe is so good. All good. I am at peace with where i am, now.
Tuesday, May 20, 2014
near death experience
I just wanted to update you journal on my recent near death experience. It happened 6 days ago on Thursday. It shocked me because the day prior i was such a ball of positive energy and I had won the beauty give-away contest, so I was feeling so blessed, but now I continue to see why that experience was a HUGE blessing to me as well. Now that i've had my car checked- I found out I had a few nails in my rear passenger tire, which caused me to lose tire pressure gradually over the next day, until Thursday- a truly hot day, caused my tire to completely and unexpectedly pop while driving.
I don't feel a need to re-live the experience, but I will admit it was fully traumatizing and turned my world upside down, shaking me all over inside. I will never be the same, and I more fully appreciate my life. Which is a gift in itself. I can honestly say- not only is it a miracle that I am alive still today, but also that I didn't hurt anybody else around me that day. I don't know why- but the Universe coordinated that event, somehow for the betterment of me. I know I am always sending out my soulful intentions for the Universe for a happier life, more self-discipline, a more balanced life, to become stronger, for more spiritual growth, and I believe even though this experience was scary- it served a greater purpose. I'm truly thankful for my angels that are always watching over me... for sure, I felt protected that day, in the highest form possible, they shielded me 100% from harm. I guess I am TRULY loved. I am loved THAT much, and it humbles me.
Overall I know in my heart i'm drawing the events and experiences that I need to step forward in life. The past month has been such a beautiful blessing. It took a lot of mental planning and effort on my part, but I have been doing the work on myself. I've been seeking advice from a mentor, pursuing my education, following my passion for nutrition, signing up for angel courses, delving deeper into the Law of Attraction. I started reading a book called Because You Can, by Ulrike last Wednesday and it's been such a great addition to my self-improvement practice. Her writing is so simple, straightforward, and speaks me my mind in such an organized way- I am so happy really. My life feels 200% more hopeful and positive ever since I've been putting time aside for my own edification, daily. I'm so grateful for the support of the Universe and everyone around me. I am finally becoming the powerful person I always knew deep down I was. Until next time journal. :)
I don't feel a need to re-live the experience, but I will admit it was fully traumatizing and turned my world upside down, shaking me all over inside. I will never be the same, and I more fully appreciate my life. Which is a gift in itself. I can honestly say- not only is it a miracle that I am alive still today, but also that I didn't hurt anybody else around me that day. I don't know why- but the Universe coordinated that event, somehow for the betterment of me. I know I am always sending out my soulful intentions for the Universe for a happier life, more self-discipline, a more balanced life, to become stronger, for more spiritual growth, and I believe even though this experience was scary- it served a greater purpose. I'm truly thankful for my angels that are always watching over me... for sure, I felt protected that day, in the highest form possible, they shielded me 100% from harm. I guess I am TRULY loved. I am loved THAT much, and it humbles me.
Overall I know in my heart i'm drawing the events and experiences that I need to step forward in life. The past month has been such a beautiful blessing. It took a lot of mental planning and effort on my part, but I have been doing the work on myself. I've been seeking advice from a mentor, pursuing my education, following my passion for nutrition, signing up for angel courses, delving deeper into the Law of Attraction. I started reading a book called Because You Can, by Ulrike last Wednesday and it's been such a great addition to my self-improvement practice. Her writing is so simple, straightforward, and speaks me my mind in such an organized way- I am so happy really. My life feels 200% more hopeful and positive ever since I've been putting time aside for my own edification, daily. I'm so grateful for the support of the Universe and everyone around me. I am finally becoming the powerful person I always knew deep down I was. Until next time journal. :)
Wednesday, May 14, 2014
I am floating in a sea of gratitude right now. :-)
Wow, life is so amazing. I've had such an energizing, progressive, productive, beautiful month full of discovery. It all started with an angel reading in which I was guided to go and begin nutrition school. Everything felt right, and the stars were aligned, whatever it was- Jolynne's beautiful words of encouragement set me sailing! After much research I narrowed down to 2 schools, either the University of Natural Health or Institute of Integrative Nutrition. My intuition was guiding me towards IIN, but I still wanted to MAKE SURE. One day I was considering which school and I saw a billboard with the numbers 444 in big words across it. It was such a synchronistic moment because I had been seeing those numbers eveywhere alot at that time- 444. (I normally see 11:11, 222,333,555 alot, etc.) When I got home that day, I decided to call IIN for more information, and guess what their phone nunber ended with? 444!!! I knew I had found the perfect school. Their program is absolutely amazing, i just needed confirmation to choose between two amazing schools.
I overcame my fear of not having enough money to pay for it, of not being able to find clients upon graduation, of not being a good enough health coach- I just cast it aside and decided to give myself a chance. I wanted it badly, and even my angels gave me the confirmation to! So now, I am a student of IIN. School started Monday, and everyday I wake up with absolute satisfaction that I am taking such a big step towards a brighter future for myself. I know in my heart so much good will come out of this, for myself and for others. I've been taking such good care of myself, keeping my body fit, drinking more water, studying hard... I feel really good about my progress. On top of that- acupuncture is doing something for me that is absolutely amazing. It's bringing so much peace and focus into my life. I'm sleeping so much better, and my cravings are beginning to subside. I'm struggling much less on a low fat, low salt high raw food diet.
Anyways I just wanted to give a little update on all the blessings that have come my way. I saw a new acupuncture physician today, and he is really good! He, Dr. Lee actually explained to me just from checking my pulse and looking at my tongue what is going on in my body, confirming to me something that I already knew: That my liver is weakened and it is actually drawing energy from the surrounding organs in my body to perform it's functions, thereby over exhausting those organs, which is the reason for my fatigue. I always knew it was my liver making me tired, but he worded it in such an easy to understand way. I am going to continue doing whatever I can to strengthen my liver and eating a healing diet as best I can.
Before acupuncture I found the coolest thrift store in Monrovia and I bought a book called "Because You Can!" by Ulrike for 99 cents! So far i've read one chapter and it's amazing. It's about what I love: how our thoughts our powerful and all self-improvement starts with rigorous mental house cleaning! I wouldn't doubt that Archangel Uriel for leading me to it. Thanks! ;) I'm so grateful for my angels standing by my side.
Then when I got home I got my package with all my school materials and I was so happy! I sent as much love energy to the UPS guy as I could, and I know he felt it! :)
Then... the icing on the cake... I won a contest! I couldn't believe it! I have literally won 3 different things in my life:
1. Once I was at an arcade and found a gold token on the floor. It was a game token and I inserted the token into the closest arcade game...Wheel of Fortune...with the pull of a lever it landed on 500! Which meant I won 500 tickets! The most that could be won from that game! I felt like the luckiest girl in the world watching all 500 tickets being printed out right before me. It is the first time I can remember feeling so lucky. It made me think, sometimes, good things can happen to me. I think I redeemed those tickets for some candy and a stuffed animal, I was like 13 years old. :P
2. Then sometime last year I had one of those Victoria's Secret rewards card! I came up to the register to see how much I had on it, and it was $100! It was seriously so awesome because I was expecting just ten dollars. Needless to say, I came home with some PINK clothing that day. :)
3. And TODAY, I won a beauty grab bag from the amazing JoLynne Valerie! I'm seriously still buzzing from joy and I found out over an hour ago. I did my happy dance and jumped up and down on my bed. I told my boyfriend and he was so happy for me. I'm so incredibly grateful. To Jolynne, to the angels, to my spirit guides, to the Universe. I actually entered last minute because something inside me just said, just do it! Really, i enter contests occasionally with relaxed hopes of winning, but deep down, I know i would be happy even if I didn't win because that would mean something else had a chance to win. But I feel like today, the voice inside said, "Why not? You deserve it too. It could happy to you." So i entered last minute and i found out i did win!
I don't think i can adequately describes how much this means to me. Not just the idea of winning a contest, but feeling blessed to know that I am alignment with such things as feeling this joyful, feeling like i'm special, that the Universe hasn't forgotten about me... that there are still miracles around every turn, you just gotta wait and be suprised by them. Finally, I am humbled because- I REALLY love Jolynne Valerie. Ever since stumbling upon her instagram, and being fully inspired by her, i've become a huge fan. I look up to her so much. Every morning, her posts inspire me on instagram. She is living her passion and writing paranormal books and from the beginning, I thought, this girl is way to cool! I just want to say, that not only am I a fan of the paranormal, but I also love to write. So I immediately felt like I could relate to what she's about. Everyday she posts pictures of such amazing, delicious healthy meals. She juggles this with a writing career, being a mom, and a newly wed. I look at this and I think to myself: THIS is the balance and energy I want to have in my life. I recognize the power behind what it takes to achieve what she has, and ultimately it makes me want to pursue my own dreams. I would love to inspire someone like me, the way I have been inspired by her. SO... winning this content meant much to me, because it was facilitated by someone who is pretty much a freaking hero in my eyes! It's encouragement from the Universe, saying to me, yes! You can have that, be that, accomplish all those things! Yes, you are correctly utilizing your knowledge of the Law of Attraction! And yes, we are noticing the work you have been doing, and here is your confirmation! All these wonderful things happening to me, while its Full moon in Scorpio, and i am a Scorpio! How can I not believe in astrology! Hahaha my stars are so aligned. :)
Words cannot fully describe how wonderful I feel. Life, you have been truly good to me. Thank you, thank you, thank you! :D
I overcame my fear of not having enough money to pay for it, of not being able to find clients upon graduation, of not being a good enough health coach- I just cast it aside and decided to give myself a chance. I wanted it badly, and even my angels gave me the confirmation to! So now, I am a student of IIN. School started Monday, and everyday I wake up with absolute satisfaction that I am taking such a big step towards a brighter future for myself. I know in my heart so much good will come out of this, for myself and for others. I've been taking such good care of myself, keeping my body fit, drinking more water, studying hard... I feel really good about my progress. On top of that- acupuncture is doing something for me that is absolutely amazing. It's bringing so much peace and focus into my life. I'm sleeping so much better, and my cravings are beginning to subside. I'm struggling much less on a low fat, low salt high raw food diet.
Anyways I just wanted to give a little update on all the blessings that have come my way. I saw a new acupuncture physician today, and he is really good! He, Dr. Lee actually explained to me just from checking my pulse and looking at my tongue what is going on in my body, confirming to me something that I already knew: That my liver is weakened and it is actually drawing energy from the surrounding organs in my body to perform it's functions, thereby over exhausting those organs, which is the reason for my fatigue. I always knew it was my liver making me tired, but he worded it in such an easy to understand way. I am going to continue doing whatever I can to strengthen my liver and eating a healing diet as best I can.
Before acupuncture I found the coolest thrift store in Monrovia and I bought a book called "Because You Can!" by Ulrike for 99 cents! So far i've read one chapter and it's amazing. It's about what I love: how our thoughts our powerful and all self-improvement starts with rigorous mental house cleaning! I wouldn't doubt that Archangel Uriel for leading me to it. Thanks! ;) I'm so grateful for my angels standing by my side.
Then when I got home I got my package with all my school materials and I was so happy! I sent as much love energy to the UPS guy as I could, and I know he felt it! :)
Then... the icing on the cake... I won a contest! I couldn't believe it! I have literally won 3 different things in my life:
1. Once I was at an arcade and found a gold token on the floor. It was a game token and I inserted the token into the closest arcade game...Wheel of Fortune...with the pull of a lever it landed on 500! Which meant I won 500 tickets! The most that could be won from that game! I felt like the luckiest girl in the world watching all 500 tickets being printed out right before me. It is the first time I can remember feeling so lucky. It made me think, sometimes, good things can happen to me. I think I redeemed those tickets for some candy and a stuffed animal, I was like 13 years old. :P
2. Then sometime last year I had one of those Victoria's Secret rewards card! I came up to the register to see how much I had on it, and it was $100! It was seriously so awesome because I was expecting just ten dollars. Needless to say, I came home with some PINK clothing that day. :)
3. And TODAY, I won a beauty grab bag from the amazing JoLynne Valerie! I'm seriously still buzzing from joy and I found out over an hour ago. I did my happy dance and jumped up and down on my bed. I told my boyfriend and he was so happy for me. I'm so incredibly grateful. To Jolynne, to the angels, to my spirit guides, to the Universe. I actually entered last minute because something inside me just said, just do it! Really, i enter contests occasionally with relaxed hopes of winning, but deep down, I know i would be happy even if I didn't win because that would mean something else had a chance to win. But I feel like today, the voice inside said, "Why not? You deserve it too. It could happy to you." So i entered last minute and i found out i did win!
I don't think i can adequately describes how much this means to me. Not just the idea of winning a contest, but feeling blessed to know that I am alignment with such things as feeling this joyful, feeling like i'm special, that the Universe hasn't forgotten about me... that there are still miracles around every turn, you just gotta wait and be suprised by them. Finally, I am humbled because- I REALLY love Jolynne Valerie. Ever since stumbling upon her instagram, and being fully inspired by her, i've become a huge fan. I look up to her so much. Every morning, her posts inspire me on instagram. She is living her passion and writing paranormal books and from the beginning, I thought, this girl is way to cool! I just want to say, that not only am I a fan of the paranormal, but I also love to write. So I immediately felt like I could relate to what she's about. Everyday she posts pictures of such amazing, delicious healthy meals. She juggles this with a writing career, being a mom, and a newly wed. I look at this and I think to myself: THIS is the balance and energy I want to have in my life. I recognize the power behind what it takes to achieve what she has, and ultimately it makes me want to pursue my own dreams. I would love to inspire someone like me, the way I have been inspired by her. SO... winning this content meant much to me, because it was facilitated by someone who is pretty much a freaking hero in my eyes! It's encouragement from the Universe, saying to me, yes! You can have that, be that, accomplish all those things! Yes, you are correctly utilizing your knowledge of the Law of Attraction! And yes, we are noticing the work you have been doing, and here is your confirmation! All these wonderful things happening to me, while its Full moon in Scorpio, and i am a Scorpio! How can I not believe in astrology! Hahaha my stars are so aligned. :)
Words cannot fully describe how wonderful I feel. Life, you have been truly good to me. Thank you, thank you, thank you! :D
Saturday, May 10, 2014
Amazing!
So i've been eating very healthy ever since we embarked on our cleanse a month ago. I have been blessed with the Blendtec and I have great smoothies every morning. Also, i've been receiving acupuncture treatment from the chinese physician twice a week, for the past for weeks. The combination of all these blessings, healthy eating habits, exercise, positive thinking, determination, acupuncture, and chinese herbs have really taken me a long way. I feel wonderful and mentally, I am just zipping! Focus! Concentration! Positivity! Calm! Peace! It's all there! Bliss & euphoria, well, they have made their presence too. I am making the choice to continue moving forward with my plans and goals. I actually have been working very hard, and I have officially enrolled myself in nutrition school. I am now a student of IIN, and classes start on Monday. I am beyond excited. Not only to learn how to better take care of myself and transform my lifestyle, but also to better be educated to help others to make the same improvements in their life, as well as to get the business training i need. I feel so good about my decisions right now. :)
Thursday, April 10, 2014
acupuncture experience
I had my first acupuncture experience today with a Practitioner Wu in Arcadia. She had a full 5/5 star reviews on yelp and when i checked out her website, i was hooked in. She was awesome. Really considerate of my health concerns and she made me feel like my visit was personalized and tailored for my issues. The needles did not hurt at all, only a pulsing feeling once they were inside. I can't wait to see my results, which will be cumulative and i need about 4-6 more sessions. :) I feel really good about trying something new and experiencing for myself a new type of holistic healing modality.
Anyways, i'm on a cleanse with Marvin. We are about 4 days in... doing well so far... i'm proud of myself and i can really see myself doing this long-term. Whether he wants to continue or not. I've decided not to be so attached to the idea of him eating the way i eat. I'd love for him to keep trying ot be vegan too, but it's unrealistic to have those expectations of him. He should make that decision on his own. Anyways we just celebrated our 3 year anniversary at Yamashiro... it feels good to know i've actually been with him for this long. I feel like not so much of an unbearable person. Maybe more loveable?
Anyways, i've been having nightmares on a daily basis again. Wish i could just fully detox all my traumatic past life experiences instead of re-living them through my dreams. But im thankful for the healing work. I need it, i just want to travel lightly in this earth plane. Anyways, i saw 777 on two different cars today. I was in a good mood and thinking beautiful thoughts during those moments, and bam! Those cars switched lanes right in front of me. It felt so good, i thanked the Universe over and over for not forgetting me. <3 br="">
Anyways, i'm on a cleanse with Marvin. We are about 4 days in... doing well so far... i'm proud of myself and i can really see myself doing this long-term. Whether he wants to continue or not. I've decided not to be so attached to the idea of him eating the way i eat. I'd love for him to keep trying ot be vegan too, but it's unrealistic to have those expectations of him. He should make that decision on his own. Anyways we just celebrated our 3 year anniversary at Yamashiro... it feels good to know i've actually been with him for this long. I feel like not so much of an unbearable person. Maybe more loveable?
Anyways, i've been having nightmares on a daily basis again. Wish i could just fully detox all my traumatic past life experiences instead of re-living them through my dreams. But im thankful for the healing work. I need it, i just want to travel lightly in this earth plane. Anyways, i saw 777 on two different cars today. I was in a good mood and thinking beautiful thoughts during those moments, and bam! Those cars switched lanes right in front of me. It felt so good, i thanked the Universe over and over for not forgetting me. <3 br="">
Saturday, March 22, 2014
Very tired.
Tonight i'm seeping over Thy's house. We went on a long walk, like we usually do and talked about our lives and shared our thoughts and ideas. I shared with her my love for looking at the stars. I compared it to that amazing breath-taking feeling of being on a really good roll. But there's to comparison to a winter's sky at night, no comparison to the longing it stirs within me- a feeling of nostalgia and a deep desire to go back to the stars. Anyways, we are going to sleep on the red couches because her room is full of stuff lol. Marv1n went to a vaping convention today. It's interesting that i miss him even though it's only been a few hours. We had fluff ice for the first time yesterday, and it was yummylicious. I also explored Daiso for the first time, and we went to Santa Anita mall for me to buy 2 new tubes of Mac lipstick. This morning we went to Marie Calenders... they had a breakfast brunch that was delicious but so full of greasy, fattening and sugary foods. Then i spent some time with my kitties. I miss them so much. I need to figure out what to do about my living arrangement and how to include them in it soon. I might have to save and move out from my boyfriend's- because i don't want to abandon my cats. That would not be an option or easy choice for me to make.
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
I know i shouldnt blog when im upset but i dont want to forget this horrible feeling that i feel when you treat me bad like this.
I'm not happy with the way you treat me. When i'm upset, you treat it like it's not important and you act like you dont care. I dont care if i just moved in, it would take me 15 minutes to pack my stuff and leave. I deserve better. You're just a jerk whose mad at the world and obviously prioritizes vapefinds over me.
I'm not happy with the way you treat me. When i'm upset, you treat it like it's not important and you act like you dont care. I dont care if i just moved in, it would take me 15 minutes to pack my stuff and leave. I deserve better. You're just a jerk whose mad at the world and obviously prioritizes vapefinds over me.
Saturday, February 22, 2014
a recording of dreams, February edition
Feb. 1: I dreamed I was at some maritime port during the daytime...it looked like a grand junkyard on the edge of a river. I walked to the river's edge. I see a boat with students and a male guide. I try to jump onto the boat as it is receding from the waters. But some gravitational force would not allow me to jump forward. Finally I do. I didn't want to splash on the water with all the stuff I was carrying with me. The travels only a short distance further before overturning. Then upright again as the guide laughs loudly.
Feb. 13: I dreamt I was on a raft going down a beautiful river. I was river rafting with some kids my age. We see beautiful drips of water from above. The raft turned around at a waterfall. I met my cat.
Feb. 14.: Dream #1- I woke up in a home in the middle of the night. It is really really dark but a white moonlight is illuminated every room. I realize I am in Lynette's house. There is a creepy feeling. I shower in the dark, hoping the sound of the running water doesn't wake up my beloved Lynette. I hope she isn't alarmed by the noise. The feeling of dread is cast over the house, like it is haunted and i am being watched by unseen eyes.
Dream#2- I couldn't open my gym locker. Then a guy walks by, and gives me a compliment, but it was creepy. I finally opened the locker. A beautiful gyaru decorated phone was inside, and i happily claimed it as mine. I also find old Sanrio stuff in the locker. Then I see Jeffrey Kim with his son, a small boy. He's excited to see me. We dance to Grease (Grease is the word) with my brother Peter. I woke up like, what theeeee! Random dream, man.
Feb. 17: I dreamed I was in an old van speeding up the highway with a girl... i don't know who it was but she was white. The van was heating up and about to break down. I remember feeling really anxious and hoping to escape soon. We may have been on the run. Then we are cruising down Sherman Way to a casino. Once we get to the huge casino, I took her up to our room and we made love. Well, it was more like a really passionate, rushed hook-up. Weird how I always have these sexual dreams with women- when I don't consider myself bisexual at all.
Dream#2- Then I was at a uptown salon in the UK in a dimmed room getting a full treatment. I was something like Amy's salon. I got a wax and a relaxing massage on a bed. It was and felt reem. Lol. Felt lovely. Afterwards dream #3 i was in Thy's backyard at night hanging with friends that i seemed to know in the dream. My boyfriend was there, but it was someone I didn't know, only- in the dream, i recognized him as my boyfriend. We sat together& I felt so close to him, we had a strong sense of kinship, and familiarity. Possibly I knew him in a past life and he dropped by to say hi to me.
Feb. 19: I dreamt I saw Lefty. We were supposed to go to a concert or event of some sort, but he never showed up. I spent half the dream looking for him, only to tell him off and throw my words at him. Tell him how much he hurt me, tell him how much I was tired of it. It's always the same in dreams as it were in real life. Just full of unhappiness, anger, and the regret and disappointment that he usually brought about. He seemed so uncaring in the dream, unwilling to bend, stone cold, unapologetic. Unknowing of the pain he causes... too high to care. Always too high to care about my feelings. I woke up super upset, mad at him for everything he's ever done and still does to affect me in my subconscious. He'll always be a bad memory, if only even in dreams.. The only benefit was waking up and realizing that i had escaped the nightmare, in so many ways.
Feb. 20: I dreamed about Marvin. I was waiting on a hill somewhere alone at night waiting for him to pick me up. I called and called and he never picked up my calls. Then he came really late and he took me to a club, where he went in with his friends and I had to wait outside. I was so upset and sad. Then the bouncer said he saw him do drugs and i could go in and get him but i had to take an e pill. Which i did. I was so upset in the dream but i really wanted to go inside. I felt horrible knowing i had relapsed on drugs. I hate e. I woke up really upset as usual..
Feb. 22: Dream#1- I dreamed my family moved into a big haunted house. It was almost a mansion it was that big. The haunted room was the parlor- a room directly across from mine. It had glass walls and when i looked in i saw a mass of flies over a dish of old cat food. I was upset at the thought of Toru and Arnie being in there. I was really uncomfortable knowing it was a haunted house and we had to live in it. I felt a spirit there, but didn't want to enter it's domain.
Dream#2-Then I was at a family party, hosted by my family. We were at a different house, a nicer one. We had a huge pool. I went to change into my pink bikini.. it took forever to find. Then i fell into the pool at night when no one was looking.
Dream #3- I was a teacher to a small classroom of Asian-American kids. They loved me and each one went up to me to give me a hug as they were leaving class. The teachers pet, an eager to please boy had a crush on me and handed me gifts. Almost every student gave me each a gift or a compliment as they left, sharing I was their favorite teacher because I gave the least homework lol.
Dream#4-I dreamt my boyfriend didn't want to hang out with me and told me to go hangout with someone else so my Lb friend came and picked me up. He was super nice and understanding and took me to the mall to cheer me up and bought me all these gifts. Then Marvin appears from out of nowhere, apparently he followed us and he was super jealous and threatened to beat up my friend. I felt so bad for my friend but deep down i was happy that he came to steal me back.
Dream#5- Last dream, i was in a Sailor moon themed place. But there was darkness and destruction, and the stench of dead bodies filled the air. In a car with my young friend- we drove past graveyards and war zones. I told the child that i had to hide in the flames. There were dead bodies covered with tarps of children. I had been a part of some mass war type killing, and either i lived to tell about it, or my spirit was following a survivor and telling my story. It had a very graveyard of the fireflies theme to it.
Feb. 13: I dreamt I was on a raft going down a beautiful river. I was river rafting with some kids my age. We see beautiful drips of water from above. The raft turned around at a waterfall. I met my cat.
Feb. 14.: Dream #1- I woke up in a home in the middle of the night. It is really really dark but a white moonlight is illuminated every room. I realize I am in Lynette's house. There is a creepy feeling. I shower in the dark, hoping the sound of the running water doesn't wake up my beloved Lynette. I hope she isn't alarmed by the noise. The feeling of dread is cast over the house, like it is haunted and i am being watched by unseen eyes.
Dream#2- I couldn't open my gym locker. Then a guy walks by, and gives me a compliment, but it was creepy. I finally opened the locker. A beautiful gyaru decorated phone was inside, and i happily claimed it as mine. I also find old Sanrio stuff in the locker. Then I see Jeffrey Kim with his son, a small boy. He's excited to see me. We dance to Grease (Grease is the word) with my brother Peter. I woke up like, what theeeee! Random dream, man.
Feb. 17: I dreamed I was in an old van speeding up the highway with a girl... i don't know who it was but she was white. The van was heating up and about to break down. I remember feeling really anxious and hoping to escape soon. We may have been on the run. Then we are cruising down Sherman Way to a casino. Once we get to the huge casino, I took her up to our room and we made love. Well, it was more like a really passionate, rushed hook-up. Weird how I always have these sexual dreams with women- when I don't consider myself bisexual at all.
Dream#2- Then I was at a uptown salon in the UK in a dimmed room getting a full treatment. I was something like Amy's salon. I got a wax and a relaxing massage on a bed. It was and felt reem. Lol. Felt lovely. Afterwards dream #3 i was in Thy's backyard at night hanging with friends that i seemed to know in the dream. My boyfriend was there, but it was someone I didn't know, only- in the dream, i recognized him as my boyfriend. We sat together& I felt so close to him, we had a strong sense of kinship, and familiarity. Possibly I knew him in a past life and he dropped by to say hi to me.
Feb. 19: I dreamt I saw Lefty. We were supposed to go to a concert or event of some sort, but he never showed up. I spent half the dream looking for him, only to tell him off and throw my words at him. Tell him how much he hurt me, tell him how much I was tired of it. It's always the same in dreams as it were in real life. Just full of unhappiness, anger, and the regret and disappointment that he usually brought about. He seemed so uncaring in the dream, unwilling to bend, stone cold, unapologetic. Unknowing of the pain he causes... too high to care. Always too high to care about my feelings. I woke up super upset, mad at him for everything he's ever done and still does to affect me in my subconscious. He'll always be a bad memory, if only even in dreams.. The only benefit was waking up and realizing that i had escaped the nightmare, in so many ways.
Feb. 20: I dreamed about Marvin. I was waiting on a hill somewhere alone at night waiting for him to pick me up. I called and called and he never picked up my calls. Then he came really late and he took me to a club, where he went in with his friends and I had to wait outside. I was so upset and sad. Then the bouncer said he saw him do drugs and i could go in and get him but i had to take an e pill. Which i did. I was so upset in the dream but i really wanted to go inside. I felt horrible knowing i had relapsed on drugs. I hate e. I woke up really upset as usual..
Feb. 22: Dream#1- I dreamed my family moved into a big haunted house. It was almost a mansion it was that big. The haunted room was the parlor- a room directly across from mine. It had glass walls and when i looked in i saw a mass of flies over a dish of old cat food. I was upset at the thought of Toru and Arnie being in there. I was really uncomfortable knowing it was a haunted house and we had to live in it. I felt a spirit there, but didn't want to enter it's domain.
Dream#2-Then I was at a family party, hosted by my family. We were at a different house, a nicer one. We had a huge pool. I went to change into my pink bikini.. it took forever to find. Then i fell into the pool at night when no one was looking.
Dream #3- I was a teacher to a small classroom of Asian-American kids. They loved me and each one went up to me to give me a hug as they were leaving class. The teachers pet, an eager to please boy had a crush on me and handed me gifts. Almost every student gave me each a gift or a compliment as they left, sharing I was their favorite teacher because I gave the least homework lol.
Dream#4-I dreamt my boyfriend didn't want to hang out with me and told me to go hangout with someone else so my Lb friend came and picked me up. He was super nice and understanding and took me to the mall to cheer me up and bought me all these gifts. Then Marvin appears from out of nowhere, apparently he followed us and he was super jealous and threatened to beat up my friend. I felt so bad for my friend but deep down i was happy that he came to steal me back.
Dream#5- Last dream, i was in a Sailor moon themed place. But there was darkness and destruction, and the stench of dead bodies filled the air. In a car with my young friend- we drove past graveyards and war zones. I told the child that i had to hide in the flames. There were dead bodies covered with tarps of children. I had been a part of some mass war type killing, and either i lived to tell about it, or my spirit was following a survivor and telling my story. It had a very graveyard of the fireflies theme to it.
a recording of dreams, January edition.
Jan. 18, 2014: I dreamt I fucked up Linda. We were in class and I was sleeping and she sucker punched me. I woke up and started wailing on her. She was so weak, she started crying. I felt bad but she deserved it. She was all tweaked out. Naturally, I felt bad about it when I woke up.
Jan 23: I dreamt i was in a building that was designed like a maze. I was with a parolee who was tatted up and we helped each other navigate our way out in the dark. We decided at the bottom to work together and quietly hop off the bandwagon. Our plan worked as we ended up beating the maze.
Jan. 26.: I dreamt that I was in a nice mall with Young and there was something going on with the A Boys. We were waiting around. Then there's a mass A boy proprosal celebration and Young proposes to me before anyone else does, which kind of sets it off for his homies. I felt super happy in the dream, though when I woke up i realized the improbabilty of the events.
Jan 29.: I dreamt I was at some foreign airport mall where there were a lot of Bank of Americas. I wandered around looking for an black LA tank top, specifically. I found it at a kiosk and i wandered across to find Jason from high school (pinoy Jason from Burroughs). He was selling. He seemed cheerful and I recognized him immediately. Then the sun shines on his face at the same moment i tell him he looks familiar... then he turned into Left. I was shocked. I could only tell him that he looked like someone I knew.
Jan. 30: I dreamt I was in an enchanted boat treading the waters of a mystical, sparkly dark world. It was nighttime and I saw so many faeries. The person guiding the boat was Jolynne Valerie. She was so excited to show me this beautiful, enchanted world of faeries. The darkness was illuminated with sparkling jewels of color and light. It was magic.
Jan 23: I dreamt i was in a building that was designed like a maze. I was with a parolee who was tatted up and we helped each other navigate our way out in the dark. We decided at the bottom to work together and quietly hop off the bandwagon. Our plan worked as we ended up beating the maze.
Jan. 26.: I dreamt that I was in a nice mall with Young and there was something going on with the A Boys. We were waiting around. Then there's a mass A boy proprosal celebration and Young proposes to me before anyone else does, which kind of sets it off for his homies. I felt super happy in the dream, though when I woke up i realized the improbabilty of the events.
Jan 29.: I dreamt I was at some foreign airport mall where there were a lot of Bank of Americas. I wandered around looking for an black LA tank top, specifically. I found it at a kiosk and i wandered across to find Jason from high school (pinoy Jason from Burroughs). He was selling. He seemed cheerful and I recognized him immediately. Then the sun shines on his face at the same moment i tell him he looks familiar... then he turned into Left. I was shocked. I could only tell him that he looked like someone I knew.
Jan. 30: I dreamt I was in an enchanted boat treading the waters of a mystical, sparkly dark world. It was nighttime and I saw so many faeries. The person guiding the boat was Jolynne Valerie. She was so excited to show me this beautiful, enchanted world of faeries. The darkness was illuminated with sparkling jewels of color and light. It was magic.
Thursday, February 20, 2014
Yesterday
Yesterday was hard. But having you there, holding my hand while i lay in the hospital bed, it means everything for me. Thank you hubby for taking care of me.
My love
I know that our relationship has had some major rough patches. I did my dirt. You did yours. We repeatedly hurt each other over and over again that first year together. I know that i've done things in the past that make me undeserving of even being with you now- things that, if i could take back, i would, because seeing how much it hurt you killed me inside. I wish i could take back all the times i hurt you, but i am grateful sometimes that it happened- because it showed me what a forgiving, kind, compassionate, and loving partner you are- something that is required to make love last a lifetime... it gave me the courage to continue loving you despite the backlash of what my actions caused in you. It gave me the confidence to keep pushing for our relationship, to keep hoping, to keep trying, whatever it takes to make it last.
The thought of letting you go for the benefit of the both of us has crossed my mind so many times. And it still does. To give you complete freedom: so you can really spread your wings and go in whatever direction life takes you- uninhibited by the duties that fidelity imposes on a man in reverance to keeping his wife happy and fulfilled...is something that i wish i could give you, if only it didn't mean that we'd have to part ways and say goodbye to each other. I feel like losing you would be like murdering the other half of me.
The thought of letting you go for the benefit of the both of us has crossed my mind so many times. And it still does. To give you complete freedom: so you can really spread your wings and go in whatever direction life takes you- uninhibited by the duties that fidelity imposes on a man in reverance to keeping his wife happy and fulfilled...is something that i wish i could give you, if only it didn't mean that we'd have to part ways and say goodbye to each other. I feel like losing you would be like murdering the other half of me.
Saturday, January 25, 2014
Take responsibility for your internal condition. It's your job to take care of how you feel at any moment during the day. We have to remember that nature has a sense of humor. It's sending people into our lives to help us. Your greatest adversary is your greatest friend. Tap into your authenticity as a co-creator. The perception we have of ourselves is greater than the perception others have of us. That is the secret. Infinite waters diving deep...
evolving.
So i've been sick the past week. I came down with something last Saturday. I hung out with my boyfriend and we drank Scotch and went to Commerce Casino... he was getting over something he picked up from his niece. Anywho, i'm not sick much, and i feel much better. I even got to play lasertag with my boyfriend and his brother yesterday. It was really fun but also tiring after a few games. My inner competitiveness came out and I became less nice as usual.
Lately i've been dealing with a lot of personal challenges that have to do with me and baby's relationship. I really hope that i can overcome my own issues so that we can be happier. I think anything is possible since we both love each other so much. I'm always happy around him and i cant wait to move in with him, soon.
Lately i've been dealing with a lot of personal challenges that have to do with me and baby's relationship. I really hope that i can overcome my own issues so that we can be happier. I think anything is possible since we both love each other so much. I'm always happy around him and i cant wait to move in with him, soon.
Thursday, January 16, 2014
||| Emotional Music Beauty Touch - Beauty Of This World ( Part 4 ) ||| (...
It's been awhile and i've decided to post. I'm going through some things right now and initially felt an overwhelming need to talk to someone for advice and get some insight into my situation on how to make it better and feel better. I must admit life has been very challenging ever since my boyfriend got out of prison. Nothing is the same, and my whole world did change overnight. We just had a fight and it's our first big fight in awhile, and yes, it did end up with me sobbing, in tears, crying, tissues, the works. Sadly for me, i don't really have many friends, if any, that i feel comfortable turning to about my problems and completely reveal my life and myself in that way. I'm just not that close with people, and logically so, since i'm wary of opening up in the first place. I hardly feel comfortable turning to my family or cousins that i am close to. For some reason, even when i'm feeling really bad and facing difficult challenges- i don't turn to them at all, though i get a feeling they would help me. I wish i could, but i feel a sense of ownership over my problems and not wanting to burden them or bother them with whats going on with me.
I can definitely see how some people turn to committing suicide and killing themselves. I am not in any way saying that my problems are in any way on that caliber or that i am suicidal at all... just that i see how people feel like they cant turn to anyone and their problems seem so overwhelming. Luckily for me, i have the wisdom and strength to always see myself through every problem- and for that i am truly grateful, yes, to myself. Even just beginning to hash out these first few paragraphs to you i already feel an immediately relief. Along with playing some beautiful Ruth Barnett music from the 2009 Tom Hardy Wuthering Heights soundtrack, which is so beautiful that it makes me cry beautiful tears. It makes me realize and feel the beauty of my own soul. No one else in the world can make me feel better than I can, and truly, it is so empowering realizing this, because it is the truth. Even now, when i am upset, although i feel badly, it's an almost beautiful, romantic sadness. My emotions have become so beautified ever since transitioning away from processed foods. I am happy about this.
I realize that me, on my own, unadulterated by the influences of others, am relentlessly positive and have a strength and determination that causes me to look at myself in wonder and amazement... at everything i've ever accomplished. It fills me up with faith and gives me hope when i look beyond and envision the course of my life that is ahead. The easiest part is knowing that i choose to vibrate to the frequency of love, and that's the only road i ever want to take meanwhile my soul is participating in this divine experiment of consciousness. So i direct my intention and dedicate myself to the fulfillment of the most Divine. To the higher power whose hands direct the unfolding of this magnificently tended to planet Earth and the cosmic powers beyond it, my full attention goes to you.
I open myself up to allow all your blessings flow through to me, in whatever forms are deemed most necessary to the evolution of my soul, i know and feel you holding me in palm of your hand. All i need for the journey is for the strength to keep my faith that i am guided by a benevolent source of the highest of the highest forms of light and love. I welcome all teachers, healers, nurturers, and facilitators along the way... thank you for already guiding me into such loving arms- that only want the best for me. And give me the wisdom to heed good advice, and keep me clear and receptive to allowing the focus of all the greatest forms of light and love into my evolving state of consciousness. I thank you for all my blessings so far, for the presence of your angels in my dreams, and for the revealance of your word through the beautiful foods that i eat, and the loving beings i have in my life. Lastly, please allow me to continue doing your work with love and patience to all around me that i interact with. & Thank you for reaching me now and till forevermore.
A recording of dreams of this past month and beyond.
Today Jan. 16, 2014-
Last night i had a dream about Sna. We were sitting at a dinner table in someones dreary house and it was dark with dim lighting. No one was paying attention to us. He was across the table from me and we were talking, for the first time in awhile. I looked at him and understood his condition immediately. I told him that i've been struggling with meth for 5 years. He looked at me really sad and told me "that's why my aunt never really introduced us. Becus she was afraid we would use together. " We both looked at each other knowingly, in a way that only two addicts who have been through it would understand each other. It was a strong immediate bond and the impact i felt from that exchange gave me a surge of energy and faith. I woke up with a strong desire to reach out to him- i can only imagine why my soul would bring him to visit me in my dream.
Jan. 14, 2014-
I dreamt i was at some nighttime marathon at a park somewhere on a big expansive hill. Two groups of runners were going opposite directions at the blow of a whistle. I went in the same direction that Anastasia went in. Followed her and rolled it out in the end, winning the marathon, but no one noticed i finished first because everyone was still running the marathon. I looked up at the stars above and started to climb up the bunk up to Wynter's bed. No one was there.
Then in another dream i was on a speedboat with a few celebrities and someone fell asleep at the wheel and the boat crashed hard onto someone's roof and into their bathroom and we all fell into the tub. There was Cameron Diaz, Natalie Portman, and an unrecognizable male.
Jan. 2, 2014-
I dreamt that I saw Peanut and we were on a bus traveling to an unknown destination. The feeling was uneasy and bad and the sun was setting but it felt good to see someone i knew. He seemed really sad. We made a stop and i hopped off real quick to donate some goods to a shelter. I was going to get free workout books but woke up. Poor Peanuthead. :\
Last night i had a dream about Sna. We were sitting at a dinner table in someones dreary house and it was dark with dim lighting. No one was paying attention to us. He was across the table from me and we were talking, for the first time in awhile. I looked at him and understood his condition immediately. I told him that i've been struggling with meth for 5 years. He looked at me really sad and told me "that's why my aunt never really introduced us. Becus she was afraid we would use together. " We both looked at each other knowingly, in a way that only two addicts who have been through it would understand each other. It was a strong immediate bond and the impact i felt from that exchange gave me a surge of energy and faith. I woke up with a strong desire to reach out to him- i can only imagine why my soul would bring him to visit me in my dream.
Jan. 14, 2014-
I dreamt i was at some nighttime marathon at a park somewhere on a big expansive hill. Two groups of runners were going opposite directions at the blow of a whistle. I went in the same direction that Anastasia went in. Followed her and rolled it out in the end, winning the marathon, but no one noticed i finished first because everyone was still running the marathon. I looked up at the stars above and started to climb up the bunk up to Wynter's bed. No one was there.
Then in another dream i was on a speedboat with a few celebrities and someone fell asleep at the wheel and the boat crashed hard onto someone's roof and into their bathroom and we all fell into the tub. There was Cameron Diaz, Natalie Portman, and an unrecognizable male.
Jan. 2, 2014-
I dreamt that I saw Peanut and we were on a bus traveling to an unknown destination. The feeling was uneasy and bad and the sun was setting but it felt good to see someone i knew. He seemed really sad. We made a stop and i hopped off real quick to donate some goods to a shelter. I was going to get free workout books but woke up. Poor Peanuthead. :\
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