last day of the Mayan Calender.

Today... I cleaned!  & watched Wuthering Heights for the 4th time this month. I can't help it; Charlotte Riley & Tom Hardy are such an irresistable pair. :(  I can't get enough of this movie... it's just so beautifully filmed with such intense dialogue and heart wrenching characters.  Did I mention also the great costumes & captivatingly sad soundtrack.  *sigh*.  I need to get out more. 

I visited Marvin this past weekend.  I flew out to Mississippi on Thursday and had a great weekend at the Shack Up Inn.  Mississippi was lovely and Marvin was so amazing- the trip was totally worth it.  The past 2 years of my life have been validated and it's very grounding to know that i've found something real.  :)  I planned it just right for an end to an amazing 2012.  Honestly, he's done so much for me and has saved me in ways that I could never thank him enough for- but I believe that he knows how much he means to me.  Just one more year and my married life begins. :)

p.s.
1 large cup of hot water +
2 packets of Carnation hot cocoa +
6 tsp. of nonfat powdered milk =

PURE DELICIOUSNESS!!!!:)
That is all.

I just had an epiphany. 
Lately, i've been increasingly more irritated by people who flake without proper notice, people who lie, people who can't stick to their word.  I feel like my respect for certain friends is dropping like flies.  The way I see it:  If it's important, you make the time for it.  You prioritize.  You move your schedule around to make it happen.  You set alarms, you enter it into your calender, you write a fucken post-it. Yes?! I don't even want to waste a single breath on people who put no effort in anymore to maintain a friendship.  No more "second chances".  I'm just done with it, done with the disappointments & the futile attempts.  I haven't been seeing people clearly; I see hopeful dimes when they are nickels. 

So the epiphany is- i considered that when things in the outside world upset us, 99.9% of the time, there is also an underlying issue that has to do with ourselves.  So I thought about these disappointing traits in people; which is to be willy nilly and not stick to their promises & prior engagements... and i realize I do it to.  But i do it in another avenue: I do it at work; i do it to my managers.  I don't show up on scheduled shifts, i'm flaky, etc.  This needs to change, PRONTO. Until i change this area in my life that is lacking in integrity; i will constantly engage flaky people and invite them into my universe. 

So goodbye; flakes.  Goodbye liars.  Goodbye people who dont try hard enough.
I can do better. I WILL be better!!

Be well.

explosion in the sky

I had a crazy dream last night.  I kept waking up to a dream, falling asleep, then waking up to another dream.  I had more than 5 dreams last night.  I dreamt I was alone at school wandering the halls by myself.  Then I wandered onto this japanese gift shop on campus and proceeded to mix tamarind powder into a small bowl of milk.  There were 2 small bowls.  Then I met up with Angel from work and we were linked arms with 2 other girls- we were apparently a tight-knit group.  We were the "pretty" girls at on campus.  We laughed and giggled as we fussed our way through the mall/campus. Then we were outside at night sitting in our van.  From where i sat I watched in horror as i viewed a large red and dark grey jeep fly up into the sky and exploded high up in the air. I watched it grow smaller as it flew higher into the air... as if it were a u.f.o.  My ears exploded and i felt them pop as the bang roared in the sky and echoed everywhere, permeating the night.  My friends heard the loud explosion, but they did not eyewitness the jeep zooming across the sky and they did not know how it happened.  It felt like we had just been bombed.  We run to one of their houses to assemble supplies.  It felt like an emergency situation.  I grabbed a sharp weapon-like hairpin, clothes, stationary- whatever i believed i would later need.I felt a great need to be prepared.. yet i felt like maybe the preparation got in the way of finding a god bomb shelter/ safer area.I felt like we would be "bombed" again.  I think any dream my subconscious of things exploding in the night sky are highly symbolic and have an urgent message.  That is all.

Chloe was born yesterday.  I just visited her after work.  She was very cute and a calm quiet baby. Im happy.

Cat Sanctuary,

Last night i dreamt that I was in a dark lair underground that was filled with glam goth clothing and accesorries.  There were netted black shirts, black dresses, spiked glittery black heels, black everything.  I was so excited to put them all in a black canvas bag.  I was with my cousins Ngan and Jacinda and at one point we decided we were to hurry out as to enjoy the rest of the night before we were caught leaving the lair.  My cousins were not as interested in the glam goth fashion items as me.  I hurriedly tried to stuff more into my bag.  They crawled into a small tunnel wide enough for one person to crawl through at a time.  Ngan first, then Jacinda, then me.  As we were rushing out i heard the owner of the lair enter the cave we had just exited. I heard them shout for us to come back and then I heard them pursue us.  I thought FUCK this is not good because they would catch me first since I was in the back.  When I heard them run up behind me i decided to cut to the left real quick at a fork and crawl into another tunnel.  That way I had the opportunity to get out faster instead of being backed up by the people in front of me.
I continued to crawl in the darkness, tramping on four feet through and i hurriedly escaped towards the light at the end.  I was thrust into an open meadow.  It was a beautiful dreamy sunny day.  It felt like morning somewhere.  There were beautiful italianesque apartments that were decorated with an abundance of potted wildflowers.  To my right a beautiful meadow with 3 feet high tall yellow grass.  I crawled past the old world architecture and waded through the grass.  When i realized i was safe in this new place i relaxed hidden inside the grass.  I heard meowing and realized there were kittens everywhere!  It was some sort of beautiful kitten sanctuary.  A heaven underneath the sunshine with fresh air and flowers and i felt so protected here.  Within a few feet of me i crawled to a furball wrapped in yellow straw... i unwrapped the straw and discovered a beautiul bright orange-brown kitten with startling luminescent green eyes.  It had come to me and i knew immediately who it was.  It was Reba.  She looked so unlike herself but I knew it was her.  We were so happy for a moment.  And then I woke up.

I love how every once in awhile she visits me in my dreams- just to say hi.  I always know when its her.  I feel like i had travelled to some sort of cat heaven or cat sanctuary in my dream.  It was so beautiful.  Kindof like the meadow in The Lovely Bones- but with flowers and old world italian architecture.  I know this place exists somewhere.  It felt like a place so beautiful- you cant even begin to imagine where on earth it would be. This is where cats go when they die, while they wait for their owners. :)

Happy Halloween! :]

Hello Journal- long time no blog.:]

Today was the most satisfying Halloween yet; and all I did was stay home to pass out candy.  What they say is true: it feels so much better to give than to receive, and it was super invigorating to experience one of my favorite Holidays on the other end of the tradition.  My Halloween actually started out great hanging out with S1g- we seriously talked about the paranormal for hours and its always so refreshing to have conversations with someone who knows that world as well as I do.  Then I had indian food then watched Argo.  It was a tense and gripping drama- you couldn't help but hope and pray for the 6 hostages to make it- which they did.  :]  I also learned historical events that took place between the U.S., Canada, and Iran that i didn't know before.  Ben Affleck is really showing his true potential as not only a sexy actor, but also an amazing director.  Anyways- i ran out of candy and had to go out and buy more- i probably spent $35 on candy this year- so note to self- buy $50 worth next year!  The trick or treaters started coming at 6:30 and ended at 8:30.  I definitely intend to go all out next year and pass out bags of treats and candy.  It was just cool to interact with my neighbors and see everyone's cool costumes. 

Anyways, it's been awhile so i'm going to update my past few months into one paragraph.  I adopted Arnold- my second kitten- from the animal shelter and he turned out to be really sick with an upper respiratory infection.  I thought he wouldnt make it- he had trouble breathing on his own and he was so tiny and skinny.  But i didn't give up and i nursed him back to health; and now he's a healthy sized kitty!  He LOVES his brother Toru (since day 1, actually) and the two alternate between cuddling and fighting all day.  It's actually pretty entertaining to watch them- i CANNOT take enough pictures of it.  Anyways i'm pretty much settled into my guesthouse now- it will be 3 weeks this Saturday.  I'm pretty healthy and have been taking e3 live everyday for the past 2 months, maybe 3.  I feel really positive about my future.  Anyways i intend to write again soon.  Love ya blog/audience.readers!  Smoochies:-) 

ARNOLD

Sooo I adopted a 10 week old kitten from the shelter.  I named him Arnold.  He's a cream and white puff of fur and today Daisy scratched him in the eye and it bled.  I have yet to get my revenge.  Anyways, he is starting to trust me more and he doesn't hide behind the closet like the first two days, now that was just sad. Arold just loooves Toru but Toru is always slapping him in the face with his furry teen kitty paw LOL.  Well maybe this post would be more fit for my other blog. 

So i've been drinking a bottle of e3 live every 5 days for the past month or so.  I think i've gone through like 6 bottles.  Im starting to feel really good again- with juicing, smoothies, and colonics.  I have been releasing old fears in my dreams.  Life is good with a great job and two wonderful kitties.  I just really miss Noah though and im coming to terms with the way events turned out... i trust it is all for the best.  For the past 5 years i've known him- 3 of which he become my best friend... and we've been inseperable... and the past 3 months have been my longest time away from him.. pretty much.  County jail visits dont count.  I just really miss having that one homie you can call to go out to eat with, go catch a movie with, go run errands with, and when youre in need of a ride home from the airport- he can take you & various other helpful things he does for me.  The one pawsitive thing that came out of his incarceration was me adopting Toru and Arnold.  But i wish he could meet them too. =(

Last night i had a dream about Hippo (from Philly)... it was so weird?  We were like cuddling on thebed.  That awkward moment when you wake up from a weird love dream.  :(

It was actually a really sweet & endearing moment.  Even though in real life that would never happen lol.  But i was super shocked in the best way to dream about someone i used to be so close with but don't talk to anymore.

I went to the optometrist at Costco on Tuesday,
ordered my new prescription colored contacts Wednesday..
am really excited to pick them up this weekend.

I have been drinking E3Live at faster rates than ever before.
I figured if I go through one 16oz bottle every 5 days
i can leave it in the fridge and finish it before it loses its healing properties.:)

Also I watched my last episode of Paranormal State on Netflix last night.
It was weird because the season ended with the main character &
investigation team replaced. Eh, i'm the type of person that takes some getting used to
new people. :/

I watched a movie called Cider House Rules recently..
I wish they made movies more like it.
I've always liked Tobey McGuire- there's something about him thats
so genuine.

Anyways- work has been good and i always get lucky.
But thats good cause then I can afford the good stuff like E3Live.
 So yeah it' 5:19 i woke up over an hour ago to feed Toru but i haven't been able to
go back to sleep.  

"Death is not just an ending. With it, new life begins, although you do not see the new life and the new stages in the evolution of the soul of your loved one (you only see the ending which is what causes grief). Know that your loved one lives on, and experiences new life and goes on to the next stage in their soul’s evolution, even if you cannot see it. You can honour and witness this cycle symbolically through planting something beautiful and seeing it grow." 

I love you Reba.  With all my heart and i let you go to experience the next beginning in your soul's journey.

I had a haunted dream last night; which is a dream where i'm visited by a ghost.  This dream was longer but i only remember the last part of it now.  I was in a strange house hiding out in a room with all the cats (Daphne, Daisy, Ella, Toru),   It was night time and there was an over-powering vibration of fear lurking in every part of the house, but the room we were hiding in we felt safer than any other room.  The lights were turned on in every room- but they casted an eerie yellow glow.  I opened the door to peek outside and Toru slipped out and ventured beyond the room. I hated the fact that i had to come after him, but even in my dreams- I love my kitty enough to go and collect him from whatever dangers lay beyond the room within the house.  I claircognizantly knew that the house was haunted by the spirit of a ghost.  Something/someone sent a thought to my head:  "This house is haunted by L3fty's ghost."  I felt a sadness inside cus of course- in my dream i believed my friend was dead.  I silently tiptoed through the scary house and it looked like a house in L.A. would look on the inside- old, and kinda falling apart.  I felt an all pervading sense of him- his spirit- all throughout the house, watching me.  I felt watched the whole time i was in the house.  And as chilling as it was being alone in that house - but i felt a sense of confidence within, cus i picked up on the spirit's love and affection for me (as if it really were N0ahs spirit.)  The emotions i felt besides fear, uneasiness, sadness, were- pain, heaviness, regret. And thats all i can remember.

I was a bit upset when i woke up cus my first thought, How the fuck would i dream about his ghost if he's not dead?  And now i just want him to call me so i know he's okay.  :/ I more strongly belive that someone's spirit was reaching out to me in my dreams last night in connection to him- but who, i dont know.  My best guess would be his dad.  But i'm curious to know as to what the purpose for making ocntact with me would be.  But i know his father's spirit is probably the most non-relenting spirit when it comes to trying to get my attention.  I feel like he just doesn't want me to give up on his son. :/

I'm go glad I got rid of these bad friends.  Now that the bad influences are gone- I can focus on me and start saving for something big.  This week- i've been drinking bout a shot of E3Live a day and going through a bottle a week for the past 2.  I feel so much better and i sleep deeply.  When i wake up though, itll be hard to fall asleep but for the most part i'm regaining my health.  I drink at least 1 large juice/green smoothie a day- and have fallen in LOVE with Robek's seasonal:  Tropi-Kale smoothie.  :)  It's basically a yummy blend of papaya juice, frozen pineapple, kale, and non-fat yogurt.  I've been working consistently since i've returned to Hawaii and i'm actually doing VERY well and usually the highest earner at the end of the day.  I'm not surprised though, people just continually compliment me on how calm, friendly, happy, and well put together I am.  Being a good person comes naturally to me and I gotta thank my mom and dad for that.:)

I drove my grandparents to my aunt's random party today.  On the ride home I observed that these two 80 year olds  are two amazingly positive people.  Everything that comes out of their mouths are words of gratitude, praise, blessings, laughter, humor, or recollecting fond memories.    My grandpa goes "Wow. look at those cars how lucky they are to be parked in the shade".  It amazes me how good -natured and anti-bad-attitude they are.  No wonder i'm the way that I am.   I think we underestimate the influences our grandparents have on us.  Not just from actual interactions with them our whole lives but also being raised by the product of their hard-work- our parents.  I love mine and I hope they stay with me forever.

I woke up early today and couldn't go back to sleep.
There's just too many things on my mind.

I modified my phone plan last night... it felt good.
Sometimes you need to end things that no longer serve you.

People upset me.
Yes i hide it very well.

My first reaction to betrayal is primal-
I just wanna beat somebody down.
My second reaction is to pure hate.
Its upsetting that someone will be so fucked up to make you feel this way.
I just want to tell them off- but it would only make the situation worse.

So I just gotta let it go.
Knowing that, at least I handled my business well.
Cus all i know is to handle my shit the right way.  Common sense and decency will get you far.
But not everyone you interact with on this planet will understand that.

I wonder why people keep having kids when they don't even take care of the kids they already have?  Well I hope you enjoy the process of having another one that you can't support or give the proper care or attention it needs.  The sad thing is that there won't be a father figure.  But hey, some people are satisfied to make those kind of choices for themselves.  I see cruelty and desperation in your actions.  I feel sorry for you and i don't have to hope but i know you'll get what you deserve. 

As for me... i'm getting better each and every day in each and every way.

Hawaii is just beautiful.
Hawaii is visually healing,
a serene oasis paradise and
miraculous string of islands
in the middle of the Pacific ocean.
I love it here.

I had a flurry of painful dreams last night.

In one of them me and Noah hated each other and ignored each other and he was living that lifestyle while i was in Chicago working as a coffee shop girl.  There was a sense of anger and bitterness to this fight that was unprecedented in our other fights,  In all previous arguments i would disappear on him and he would know im mad but constantly try to call and patch things up by telling me he loves me , etc.  Sometimes after a week of giving me my space, the majority of it oblivious the the fact im even upset by anything at all.But in the dream he was equally set on never seeing me again.  Then one day i was at his moms house visiting his mom and she was quite distraught about him having terrible friends who are always over and i told her i never wanted to see him again.  At that moment he called her on the phone he was in the house with friends and i hid in the closet.  I didnt want to see him cus im stubborn like that and i didnt want it to look like i was there for him.  I heard and saw him walk through even though i did not peak out.. it was a psychic kind of thing.  In the room, i "saw" him pick up his phone and call someone... it was me that he called. And we spoke on the phone (while i was still hiding in the closet yet he didnt hear me except on the phone).  He was sorry he wanted to see me blah blah blah.  I dont remember much else except i was then back at the club and i was working with a whole bunch of white girls.  We were all in our bikinis and i was choosing my outfit for the day..i decided on a tiny red bikini,  The vibe between the girls and me- was close knit.  Which felt good.  I ordered a huge loaf of bread that was filled with this chocolate cream...it was soooo good. Then my older coworker saw her idol Pamela Anderson and we all were happy for her.  She thanked me and said it was because of me.  Somehow me eating that chocolate fllled loaf of bread made it happen.  I cant remember too clearly.

Then was the wonderfully tender scene i dreamt last.  I was in a strange house but still living with Lynette.  I was sitting in a dim lit room on a pile of blankets when Reba appeared.  Astonished and filled with pure joy i had the courage to reach out and touch her.. and she was in the physical!  I knew even in my dream that she had deceased which was so amazing because i realized her ghost was solid, and she made it that way and appeared to me as well as allowed me to hold her.  I took her in my arms and wrapped my body around her and held her close to my heart.  She was equally joyous.  She had weight too, just like in life.  By all means she came back fully in her cat form.  I called out to Lynette that Reba had appeared to me and she was in my arms and seconds later Lynette appeared.  But by then Reba had gone "unvisible", yet i still felt her presence strongly in my room, even in my arms.  Lynette believed me though.  Then i went into my room and caught Reba crawling into a closet and hiding in the clothes staring at me mischiviously- but with love.  Then she crawled into a hole and wnet back to the other side.

Next scene i was wandering a party it looked more like ozzfest-  i was with this kid who was in a band.  We saw some dead people on the way.  It was fun but the mood was quite sombre and dark.


I miss Reba. So much,

solidarity

Man people are juss not with me nowadays. 
I have set the intention to find friends with solidarity.
Responsible individuals who have maturity and integrity and live conciously.
I refuse to settle and give in to peer pressure.
Everyone in my circle of friends and age group are still into partying;
Smoking weed, smoking cigs, drinking every weekend-
or the horrible combination of all 3.. im just not feelin it.
Like c'mon, i had high school and college to learn my lessons & realize that,
It's not the life i want to lead.  I'm so over abusing my body and neglecting
the reason why I'm here on this planet.
I feel a sense and a real urgency to consciously evolve and to unload this burden of
negative attachments to all these people/involvements that no longer serve me and my
higher purpose. 

I have discovered that I love to be healthy.  I love to eat healthy and study about positive thinking and the law of attraction.  I love to do research on holistic healing, raw food nutrition, and the mind body connection.  I am learning to expand my psychic abilities and i love to research and read stories about the paranormal.  I have discovered that I have an overcoming spirit, and am equipped with a fierce intellect and fine-tuned intuition.  I am someone who strives to be a better person and to treat people kindly and always remain honest- especially to myself.  I have discovered that I have a caring nature that desperately needs to have its energies directed towards positive endeavors.  I have discovered that I love cats, and observing their behaviour, and I cherish my bond with these animals.  I have discovered a need to want to adopt, shelter, and care for animals who need loving homes and mommies.  I have discovered a lot of things... i just hunger for the miraculous in life, signs, divine intervention, human angels, anything that brings me alive and sets my spirit free.

I am just about ready to let go of all the people who dont truly serve me.
To make room for what the Universe has in store for me.
It's all good.  The miracle is just around the corner.

I made enough this week to have fun in Hawaii... and i feel super excited now..

Also, I look forward to eating a lot of fresh organic tropical fruits & fresh wild caught fish.
Yummerooooo.:D

I hope to get back healthier.  Anyways i had a bad dream last night.
I was at a strange school and there was a huge presentation.
The school was secretly run by Southsiders and they were planning to blow up the school.
I overheard their plans and i was frantically trying to warn my cousin,
Jacinda was there.  The school was like part school and part mall.
There were many stories i stood at the top with the leaders of all the gangs
or whatever and they trusted me
but inside i just wanted to get the fuck out.
And then the bomb went off and created a huge earthquake.
I felt the mall/school building collapsing underneath me.
It was s scaryyyy:(.

I had the craziest dream last night.  It was like a thriller-action movie.  I was in some large labratory- it looked like the CDC building in the Walking Dead.  I was locked inside by a mad man.  He wanted to blow up the place with me and my daughter inside it, infatuated with the idea of us being a family.  The doors were locked completely.  He had turned on a timer that would go off.  I believe we had like, 20 minutes left.  I was determined to break me and my daughter free.  I stood at a desk while the madman walked to the opposite side of the room configuring the bomb/timer.  Something told me to look inside the desk drawers.  It was a large tall wooden desk with three large compartments.  In the first compartment i found a large silver bullet.  In the next compartment i found a strap.  It was wrapped in tape.  I tried my best to unwrap it without making noise... i didn't want the madman to see or hear me going through the drawers.  Finally i loaded the bullet in the revolver.  I slowly moved towards the madman, told my daughter to stand by the desk,... hoping he wasn't suspecting i was about to hit him in the dome.  I got directly behind him, and shot him in the head.

Sure that he was dead, i ran to my daughter and we raced to the automated doors, trying to figure out how to unlock the lock feature.  My daughter unlocked something, and i noticed a small stream of spray gas coming out.  My heart dropped, realizing our captor had rigged the locks with poison gas.  Not only were we stuck inside, but we had activated the poison gas.  It was hopeless.  I hate watching those race-for-survival movies and it was the worst feeling experiencing myself in this dream as a victim.  Of course, i woke up before the bomb went off.  But still, it sucked.

So i definitely went on a shopping spree Friday.

& I'm supposed to be saving for Hawaii.  lmao.

I got extensions in different colors, hair clips,

and a brand new pair of Madden boots...

which I am quite fond of.

Don't ask me why i bought boots in the middle of summer.

I just like them, OKAY? *burst into tears*

So i've been pretty inspired to go get permanant extensions...

Which i will, but after Hawaii.

This is exciting.

I love having so many things to look forward to.
I ordered Noah is books today...
i sent him 3 by James Patterson, per his request.
"I only asked you do do one thing and you didnt even do it"
So mean. :(
I totally went and dyed my hair and got crazy extensions
and you didnt even notice.:(
So mean.  Mean boy,

This weekend went by super fast.

Anyway... Toru was so cute this morning.

He tried to sleep cuddled against my head facing me.

Everytime i turn the other way around,

i wake up and he walked over to the other side too lol.

I gave him his first kitty shower today.

& he scratched me. :(

On accident of course.

Anyways, 

i love him so much<3

And i deccided not to get him neutered,

after watching the videos on youtube.

I just don't think its neccessary.

Call me an irresponsible petowner,

seriously, i dont give a shit.

Well
I guess i'm having one of those days again,
where i don't feel good.

I woke up way too early for my visit with Bert.
It was a good one.  People kept coming up to me and complimenting
me on my hair and how "unique" it is.
I just dyed it yesterday so i was happy.
A "special" ed person came up to me and said i look like
Betty Boop & Bride of Chucky. errrrr?  lol
They were so good natured.

What i really want to do is to go catch a movie.
There's so many i haven't seen.
Magic Mike would be at the top of that list.
Can somebody please escort me to watch Channing Tatum
strip down to his underwear on the big screen? *squeals*
I miss my movie theatre buddy.
I realize now how much of a stress-reliever he was for me.
I feel like i have no one to turn to now.

But i should be happy, cuz its my day off
and i have a cute kitty, a good car, and great job, etc.
I just feel like i'm lacking in the consistent-honest-sincere friends department.
The key word being consistent.
Dont get me wrong i do have friends i cherish but not the type
that would come over at the drop of a dime if i felt like
going to eat or going to the mall/movies & other spontaneous.
Also, it would be a plus if they were strong spirited like me,
and didn't smoke cigs, drink alcohol, or smoke weed.
I relish good clean friends who want to have good clean fun,
it's just so much more enjoyable and intimate to me.
I crave the intamacy of close friends.

The process of making plans with people nowadays causes me a bit of stress
cus people are quite flaky, and frankly,
i don't really want to deal with it.
It's like, i'm the type of person that makes plans,
confirms the day before, confirms the morning of, etc, you get the idea.
I really dont mind flakes but i detest the people who dont call to cancel,
or flake at the VERY last minute.  For example: an hour before the aforementioned meeting time.
It shows no respect for my time.
Of course- i can be EXTREMELY understanding...
but when i notice that they do it often, i just completely give up altogether.
I need to meet someone more like ME.
But yes, that was my short rant.
I love you all anyways, i hope you know that,
I just am feeling a bit constricted and in need of a good change.

I should really reach out and take some classes or something.
Eh... i can't wait for Hawaii, just 10 more days.<3

I made 700 yesterday
and 600 on Monday.
And 300 last Thursday,

suckaaaaas.

I'm well on my way to going to Hawaii,
actually, my flight is booked for Augest 7th...


suckaaaaas.:]

I thought the day would never come.  Anywayssss,
I have a kitty.
I named him Toru...
He is the most loving thing,
and he thinks i'm his mama!
It's the most rewarding, heart-opening,.
over-flous joy feeling, gosh darn amazinges experience
<3

Sleeping with Sirens- If I'm James Dean, You're Audrey Hepburn

Stay for tonight
If you want to
I can show you
What my dreams are made of,
as I'm dreaming of your face
I've been away for a long time
Such a long time
And I miss you there
I can't imagine being anywhere else
I can't imagine being anywhere else but here

[Verse 1:]
How the hell did you ever pick me?
Honestly, I could sing you a song
But I don't think words can express your beauty
It's singing to me
How the hell did we end up like this?
You bring out the beast in me
I fell in love from the moment we kissed
Since then we've been history

[Chorus:]
They say that love is forever
Your forever is all that I need
Please stay as long as you need
Can't promise that things won't be broken
But I swear that I will never leave
Please stay forever with me

SLEEPING WITH SIRENS-WITH EYES & EARS TO HEAR

So tell me how does it feel,
how does it feel to be like you?
I think your mouth should be quiet
Cause it never tells the truth
So tell me, so tell me why,
why does it have to be this way?
Why can't things ever change?

Falling over, and over again
Oh, why does it have to be this way?
From the place I was, to the place I am,
to the place I want to be
For the mountains I've been climbing over
and under and over
From the place that I was to the man I've become
I'll be there to see the tower you'll fall from
No this kingdom isn't quite what it may seem
You're an illusion, you'll never be king

Sometimes things are better left unsaid
But this time you'll get what you give
(True friends lie underneath, these witty words
I can't believe, I can't believe
a damn thing they say, anymore)

"Come down, come down from your tower"
"Come down, come down from your tower"
I know that for all my life, for all my strength
There is only one above who can judge me
All I am is yours, all I am is yours, I am yours!

practical wisdom

'It's not going to be easy, but one thing I've found to help is stay busy. Stay distracted, go out have fun with friends and family. Know that you're better than that and you deserve better. If you want to vent and let out your feelings than do it with someone you trust like a close friend or relative or something like that. As far as telling him how you feel, I don't think that's the best idea just because if he didn't take care of you like he should've then he's not going to hear what you have to say, even if he would, he probably wouldnt really be listening ya know? Self pitty can only go on for so long, but you need to stop it eventually. Turn around and be the stronger, better person. Use it and grow from it, refuse to let it break you down and be weak, use it to be stronger, not cold, just smarter and stronger. Ya easier said than done, but know that no one deserves that, and don't turn back. 

Keep your head up hun. Wish you the best!'

Sitting here in my room all day, watching Paranormal State since I already finished the last episode of my beloved Paranormal Children.  I just can't get enough of these spiritual, occult, paranormal shows.  I don't think I am so much interested in contacting the dead as I am with studying people with psychic abilities... it's just so interesting to me.  Probably largely due to the fact that it validates me and my own personal experiences and my own abilities.  I see that i'm not alone; and that's always nice.  Other than that: I haven't had much going on with my life.  I haven't worked in a month now... probably since Reba died.  I don't want to say its because of that- because even i myself, can see how it sounds like a poor excuse for a case of the lazies- but truly, life has just not been the same for me.  I guess i am coming into terms with losing a loved one. I KNOW that i have the strength within to pick myself up and move forward.  But what happened 2 weeks ago when he was arrested made me stumble and fall down.  But since then- I KNOW that i have been regaining my health.    I am tentative waiting for the day that i wake up and suddenly notice that i feel WELL again, and when those feelings of overflous joy and gratitude overflow my heart again.  The joy of being raw.  I miss it so.  I get fleeting moments of it now, but i am pushing onwards.  The thing about me is- i always have a plan.  I alway know what direction to move it.  So although i may not be where i want to be- i know that one day ill reach that destination- but the thing is by then i will have created new dreams and new destinations.  My life may not be exicitng now, and i may be lonely, broke, and have NO SOCIAL LIFE, but i know that what i have in my future is GOOD.  But for now i gotta keep moving forward (forward is my favorite direction:) )- and stay strong for the people that need me.<3 I trust in the Universe...

Noah

It's been 2 weeks since your birthday.  The day I spent with you was so wonderful.  I was extra nice to you because it was your birthday, and you knew it.  It must have been so wonderful for you.  I should have treated you like this everyday: seeing you so happy made me light up inside.  I remember when we were outside Castle after dinner with your mom, Bert and Ron, you were playing with your scratchers and you were upset because you were winning on a whole bunch and then you got some bad ones.  You insisted because i had said you were unlucky.  I only said it to you in hopes that you would not be inspired to go gambling at a casino for your birthday.  I just held your face and told you i loved you and threw my arms around you.  That was the happiest I have seen you in a really long time.  And yeah, i should have really done that more often.  It felt amazing.  I didn't even care that our friends were in the background, making disgusted noises.  Sometimes, i am keenly aware that you are really just a really big kid who wants to be loved and spoiled with affection.   It inspires something inside me to show you more affection, and another, more sensitive side of me.  I noticed your mood for the rest of the night was basically super happy. I couldn't help but wonder if it was because of what i did, and i was so excited for the rest of our night.  I decided that treating you as well and with as much positive attention as on your birthday from here on would be something that i could do.

We got so drunk off of Hennessy that night.  I am convinced that between you, me, and Ron- you probably drank the most.  You were so cute.  I just wanted to be with you all night, and spend your whole birthday with you.  Looneys lady told me that the way you look at me says it all.  I never really noticed that but i realized it was true.  She says its obvious everytime i give you attention you are super happy. :)That night, we came home at 2 in the morning.  As we pulled up Lookout from Laurel we both spotted a young coyote running uphill.  I felt that it was so symbolic.  I remember seeing a fox in the middle of the night in the canyon with you...about 3 years ago.  I really miss all the time we spent together.  I felt no fear of the fork or the ghost up hill... there was no fear that night.  We went upstairs and got into bed.  I put on the Bachelorette...and you fell asleep! lol.  I miss kissing you and holding you and hugging you and falling asleep with you.  I just miss you so much, and i can't wait to visit you and see you this weekend.  I haven't seen you since court.  You blew me a kiss, and all my stress melted away.  I hope you stay strong, and know that i'll be with you every step of the way.  Loving you, Tamera.

I lost a pet and my best friend in the same month.  Let's hope they somehow come back. :/

Somehow just come back home.

Madagascar 3 was actually pretty funny.  I used my groupon for 2 movie tickets at the chinese theatre and went with Linds.:) 
Tomorrow, I start eating healthy and exercising. :)

Since he's gone i've kind of gone downhill.  I never thought i would be this upset. 


Starting fresh.  I have to.

I really miss him- and would do anything to be near him- to hold him-to have everything be ok.  I miss my babe;*(

I always miss him so much when he goes in.  Even if its just for a few days.  The worst part for me is knowing that he is probably feeling really sick and unable to sleep comfortably on a real bed.

There's no denying that I love him. Everybody knows it. Our friends, him, me. But it's not the kind of love that is demanding or giving stipulations to. It's unconditional. I don't like to impose my feelings onto anybody and when i love someone- i just do and act accordingly. I would be lying if i said that sometimes i don't wonder what we would be like if we were actually "together"... I mean- there are so many things that i love about him but above all i love that he is always there for me. I've never had anyone completely welcome me into their home, their circle, their family, their life, without any reservations. Even when he was tied up he still looked out for me and let me stay at his pad even though he knew he could lose everything because of it. Apparently i have a soft spot for people who do things for me when I don't ask them to.

I woke up last night to the sound of the floor creaking from what seemed like cat footsteps. Assuming it was Ella, Daisy, or Daphne, I picked up my cell phone and shined the light in the direction of the noise. It sounded from the direction of the t.v. Immediately my heart started racing when I CLEARLY saw Reba (my recently deceased cat) sitting about`face staring at me. She had her back straight and she stared intently into my eyes. A very serious/grave stare, illuminated by the light of the very dim cell phone screen. I knew immediately what i saw. I almost jumped from the surprise. My heart broke seeing how she looked very emaciated from what she had been in life. I was so shocked...but then the light timed out and the room went dark. Hurriedly i slicked the light back on, getting up out of bed and straining to get closer... this time the image of her faded away and it became my ugg boot. I can grasp how i could have made that mistake since a sand colored ugg boot would be silimar in size and shape to an orange tabby. Still, I SAW Reba BEFORE she was an ugg boot. It was just maddeningly scary and sad at the same time. I miss her so much. Yet seeing her last night did not give me any comfort. I always imagined i'd wake up to a ghost cat silently treading on my stomach while i am half asleep or something. I still miss her. I miss her cuddling and her sweetness- the comfort and adoration in her posture whenever she was snuggled with me. She loved me.

I just miss you a whole bunch even though i just saw you last night. =(

Dear Angels

I ask all the angels of nature and all benevolent spirits of light- to aid and assist my baby Reba in passing on to the next life. She was a good cat. Sweet, warm, affectionate, loving, forgiving, and kind. She loved me- and Universe- i thank you, for i realize you couldnt have sent me a better friend during this time in my life. We met- and changed each others lives forever... I'm glad i was able to make yours a little bit better. I am forever grateful to my beautiful Reba- so please, i allow and pray- for her peaceful journey onwards. I wish for her more peace, love, and wellness. She was a furry orange cat, so graceful and divine... may your beautiful kindred spirit forever be a part of me. Thank you Thank you Thank. I love you, my baby. I'll love you forever. I will never forget the days spent, laying around, cuddling with you on my bed. You made life wonderful. our relationship was meaningful, and full of love. You loved me unconditionally... and for that... i will forever love you Reba.

My Reba

I'm so sad. I miss Reba so much already. I'm so beside myself with this. I didn't see her at all this morning. She usually wakes me up and lays with me in bed in the a.m. until the afternoon. Her days were spent roaming the house, napping in the living room, or sitting beside me on my bed. She was so loving. So affectionate, so Reba. She was my baby. By the middle of the day i realized she was missing. I called everywhere- inside the house, outside the house, strangely i assumed she had explored the neighborhood beyond the confines of her usual areas. When Lynete came home I asked her if she had seen Reba. Realizing neither of us have all day (which is VERY unlikely because she is always somewhere in the house) we went looking. We asked John - the guy who lives behind us, and he let her know that... the next door neighbor had called in the morning to let him know there was a dead cat that had appeared half "eaten' on their front yard. He buried her under the orange tree. I walked by earlier and saw the mound of grass where she had been buried. Almost wept seeing the little orange tufts of fur lying on the dirt above her small grave. I guess she had been attacked by an owl/ coyote sometime last night or early this morning. I can't believe it. What a horrible, terrible way to die. For such a sweet and loving cat. My Reba, my baby, my Reba - bittens, my Justin Rebahhh, my babyyyyyyy. :( I will always love you. I promise... never to eat meat again. It's just too cruel. You were preyed on so helplessly... and i will never prey on any helpless animals.. because of you.. you have changed my life forever.

I know why a girl falls in love with a guy who is in prison. First of all we don't spend time judging them. We knew they were not perfect when we met them and we accepted them for who they are not the perfect person they wanted us to think they were. We built a friendship by taking a whole lot of time to get to know them. We gave them enough trust to give them our phone number after several letters not after several drinks. We spent countless days waiting for responses and smiling at jokes and serious things written on paper. We passed photos instead of body fluids and still wanted to send more. We waited months before we decided to meet face to face and met in a public place without having sex. Months and years later we still believe that we can make it even through the toughest times. Why because we passed the test of time and all we have is time. So basically it is because when he was not our boyfriend we fell in love with the laughter, we fell in love with the advice. we fell in love with the smiles, and we fell in love with the friendship before we fell for the person. Yes ladies, my friends willing to do the time with our men. We have something special and that is why a women stands by her man no matter how much time he has left. I love an inmate and would not trade it for any guy who is currently on the outside. Hold your head up high and know that true love can withstand any amount of time. We are all in this together. Thanks for reading sorry it is long.

Hi is this the visitation department? I have questions about visiting. 1. Is there a website where I can view visiting guidelines & dress code? [No.] -What is the dress code. [No tank tops, no shorts, no jeans, no khakis, so see through, no jewelry, etc.] -Can i wear heals? what shoes are not appropriate. [No more than 1 inch.] -can i wear jeans. [No.] 2. Where do most visitors coming from Los Angeles fly to: -airport (code) [Memphis] -city (How far from TCCH). [Batesville] or [Clarksdale] 3. What are the visiting days & hours? [fri,sat,sun: 8:30am-4p.m.] 4. How much money can I bring in? [$30 worth of quarters in ziploc bag] -How many pictures can we take? -How much for taking pictures? -Can i bring more than 30 for pictures? 5. What kind of identification do I need to bring? -How many forms of i.d. [1, drivers license] 6. What items can I bring into the visiting room? -[drivers licence, car keys, $30 qaurters- in ziploc bag]

I have a cat named Reba. Who basically follows me around the house. Well, she's always visiting my room and sitting next to me. I take it as a compliment. Somehow, this cat has found a soulmate in me. We are so different, but we still are so fond of each other. She annoys me in the morning- sometimes. But at the end of the day, I am so grateful for her unconditional love and cuteness.

prison meals-shopping list.

chinese sausage (Siam)
white onion
head of cabbage
bamboo shoots soaked in brine.
sweet and hot sauce (Polar)
hoisin sauce
Sriracha garlic sauce
chili lime shrimp flavor packet/ beef seasoning (instant noodles)
cilantro
soy sauce
grape jelly

I wake up, it's a bad dream,
No one on my side,
I was fighting
But I just feel too tired
to be fighting,
guess I'm not the fighting kind.

I miss you with my whole being.
I miss you, every part of you even though I’ve never been blessed to be around you. I trust you, I believe you, and I will always love you no matter what happens.
You make me smile and make me happy so often and so much.

40 weirdly intriguing questions...

1. What’s a question you’re afraid to ask? To whom?

2. What’s something you hide about your personality?

3. What’s something other people think about you that you don’t agree with?

4. How do you deal with criticism?

5. What’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for you?

6. What’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever done for someone?

7. What’s something sweet you’d like someone to do for you?

8. Describe your favourite texture.

9. Which national or global tragedy were you closest to and how did it affect you?

10. Post a photo/draw a picture/write a poem (pick one) of a moment of personal significance.

11. Which fictional character would you most like to have lunch with and why?

12. Who would you say is your “anti” role model? Someone who serves as a warning rather than an inspiration?

13. What’s your least “politically correct” opinion?

14. What kind of underwear do you imagine Sherlock Holmes wears?

15. What’s one of the most difficult things you’ve ever had to do?

16. If you were an element on the Periodic Table, which would you be and why?

17. What’s the most infuriating thing your parents (or caregiver) do?

18. Which Disney Princess do you most identify with and why? Which is your favourite and why? And yes- ANYONE can answer this question.

19. You’re an Action Movie Hero. What’s your weapon of choice and the line you scream when defeating your arch enemy?

20. What’s the silliest fan theory you’ve ever come up with?

21. What did you think about before you fell asleep last night?

22. What’s the oddest term of endearment you’ve ever used or that someone’s used for you?

23. What motivates you in life?

24. What was something you used to enjoy, but was ruined for you? What’s the story behind that?

25. How do you think you will fare when the Zombie Apocalypse arrives?

26. Which mythological creature are you most like? Why? And if you could be any mythological creature, which would you want to be? Why?

27. Write a brief story about an actual adventure you’ve had.

28. Describe one of the most awkward experiences of your life.

29. What’s something that scares you about the future?

30. List 5 quirky things about yourself.

31. Describe your dream library.

32. What’s the weirdest item you’ve ever mourned?

33. If you could design an amusement park ride, what would it be like?

34. Do you have any “rules” about food?

35. What’s your opinion on age differences in relationships?

36. What’s something you want to do that you’d be embarrassed to tell other people about?

37. Describe a time/event in your life that you’re nostalgic for.

38. How do you approach social situations?

39. What is your ideal bed? Why?

40. Post a short excerpt of your life.

Please please please someone ask me these

3 days away...

I am flawed and I am broken.
But I promise I try my hardest and do my best.
When loved, I’m committed and honest. I listen and help as best I can. I’m selfless and will give as much as possible. I will do as much as I can to make you happy.
I know I get sad and I know I’m pessimistic. But I do have hope. I do want things to change for the better. I do want to fight. I love and care in ways that not a lot of people understand. I give my all and I wind up getting hurt. But I just want to feel worthwhile. I just want you to know. I will trust you more than anyone. I will go to you before anyone. I will try to make you happy and cheer you up and make sure you feel loved and comforted and helped. I will try. All I can do is try. And try. And try.

(reposted from another blog- i did not write this)

...

Hi and congratulations for the new little soul coming into the world
part of our learning here is to experience many situations and how to handle them, so we take that wisdom with us into the future.
We need healthy boundaries in our lives, so we keep out what isnt right, healthy or happy for us and our highest of good.
Always honor and respect your self and your truth, it is alright to move on from what doesnt serve us a positive or good purpose in our life.
We do not have to feel guilty about doing what we need to do for ourselves at any time in our lives.
If we are living to a false happiness with another or in a certain situation that we know we dont want to be in, then we are not living to our true self or life as we were meant to.
Your ex is where he is by his actions, he has alot to learn yet in his life and those lessons belong to him not you there is more to this person that is negative than you know there is the warning.
I hope you allow yourself to free yourself up from this situation, and move on to a brighter more positive future, i see a more gentle genuine, kind soul coming into your life who will look after you and your little one, he will be very different to what you have experienced in the way of men in your life.
he will be very kind and understanding i see something around his neck he wears that is special to him, anyway you will know he is different when you meet him in divine timing, you are being looked after in many ways so dont fear making any changes for yourself and your baby that will benefit you in more positive ways you do have alot to look forward to in the future now is only now, you will get through this focus on your health, your baby and all the joy you are going to have with this little one i feel somone close to you in spirit that you knew and loved is giving you a helping hand and watching over you and have been worried about you when you got mixed up with this one, so there is alot of love and help around you
Nanna Linda.

a sugar cube

I loved him when he had nothing to offer me but a smile and his love...

& the angels whispered to me...

Trust, even if your future seems uncertain.
Trust, even if you have no idea how your situation could ever improve.
Trust, even if you feel alone and abandoned.
Trust, even if your heart is shattered.
Trust, because your strength comes from trusting that everything always gets better with time, that miracles do occur, and that prayers are answered in illogical ways.
Trust, because we need you to continue living and shining your light, and a lot of people love and depend upon you.
Trust, because God loves you for who you are right now and has a wonderful plan in works for you that you can't yet see or feel . . . but you soon will. Don't quit 5 minutes before the miracle!
Trust.

my love dream

I had a dream that i was in a supermarket with a friend sitting across from them facing them i noticed an old asian beggsr with bad teeth going around begging for change. I definitely noticed he looked extra sad when he came up to people, i thought about it and reached into my bag and when passed i gave him a handful of change. He gave me a grateful look and immediately handed me a large gold coin and i wondered why a poor man would do that.

Then I suddenly remembered that earlier in the dream or my dream memory recollected that a beggar would give me a gold coin like that and that beggar was a psychic, then I tracked him down in his small asian convenience store I walked in, looked around a bit then came up to him and explained everthing about my clairvoyance. Then he told me a bit of information. I dont remember what but it was something important to ME.

Then i was sitting with Thy & Angel on a table somewhere eating fried fish. We were talking and I said something that made Thy laugh.

Then I was watching Caleb and Josiaih play and Caleb hit me on purpose and i was so shocked and upset.

Then i was in a house chasing L3fty around i coould tell he was tweaking and i was so upset and he was being fucked up to me. I hate that feeling i followed him into a garage and lost him. This is my second time dreaming of the garage of my old house on community street. It was the middle of the night and dark inside and i was so scared. I couldnt find him after that.

Then I dreamt that I woke up on a bed with my love. He was this white guy and he was soooooo funny and in my dream he was sooooooo in love with me and treated me so good. I`ve had many dreams with unknown lovers but this was the sweetest. I was awake we were in a room on a bed to ourself i was looking at the bed oppositeus and watching the people laying in it. I then turned around and saw him, he turn over and got closer and held me. It felt so right i cant even explain it but i knew intuitively he was my bf. Then we were at school it was the end of class and the teacher(a male) dismissed class after i said something really funny. I was sitting with my boyfriend and he walked with me to a table as everyone was leaving i saw L too and he ignored me i was freakane sad but oh well ;[. Then on a table i saw a deck of golden cards and i remember saying `These are my oracle cards!`, it was my messages from the Archangel deck, except i couldnt find the box and was looking for it, but my boyfriend reassured me it was okay. We walked out of class and walked to another class. I was hanging onto his arm and leaning close and we were holding hands it was so, so, sweet. He found everythng i said cute, charming, and hilarius and i could tell he just really loved and appreciated my sense of humor, and i felt this sense of inner happiness that i have never felt before, he was holding me and i knew he would not leave me. His homegirl ran up in the dream and they had a conversation but all the while he held onto me it was the greatest feeling and it touched my heart deeply also because i saw how much his friends valued him by the way they were interacting. Everything he did felt wonderful. He was so perfect. I want him and i cant wait to find him.

What a happy New Year =)

Last year`s experiences were truly a blessing . I am so happy for this clean slate I have today . God has given me a brand new year . I truly intend to share it with you journal ! I`m so thankful to have you as an outlet for expressing my feelings . =)

Today I woke up in my cozy home on my comfortable bed on my most wonderful mattress between warm sheets and super soft pillows *smiling*... I want to always appreciate this at the very least . I love where I`m at in life . Life cradles me with God`s love . I am well rested this morning . I`m so happy with everything I have . I went outside to do my laundry and wash my sheets . The weather was cold but I loved the way the morning air felt on my skin . The sun felt so good on me . I am so hapy this morning . I made a kale-banana-raspberry smoothie and i drank it thankfully, knowing that it would boost my health and assist me in manifesting joyful life experiences . I feel wonderful ! And now, I will make a delicious goat cheese pizza and enjoy watching inspirational videos on my Macbook. :]

Love life. Love you.