I know that our relationship has had some major rough patches. I did my dirt. You did yours. We repeatedly hurt each other over and over again that first year together. I know that i've done things in the past that make me undeserving of even being with you now- things that, if i could take back, i would, because seeing how much it hurt you killed me inside. I wish i could take back all the times i hurt you, but i am grateful sometimes that it happened- because it showed me what a forgiving, kind, compassionate, and loving partner you are- something that is required to make love last a lifetime... it gave me the courage to continue loving you despite the backlash of what my actions caused in you. It gave me the confidence to keep pushing for our relationship, to keep hoping, to keep trying, whatever it takes to make it last.
The thought of letting you go for the benefit of the both of us has crossed my mind so many times. And it still does. To give you complete freedom: so you can really spread your wings and go in whatever direction life takes you- uninhibited by the duties that fidelity imposes on a man in reverance to keeping his wife happy and fulfilled...is something that i wish i could give you, if only it didn't mean that we'd have to part ways and say goodbye to each other. I feel like losing you would be like murdering the other half of me.
Thursday, February 20, 2014
Saturday, January 25, 2014
Take responsibility for your internal condition. It's your job to take care of how you feel at any moment during the day. We have to remember that nature has a sense of humor. It's sending people into our lives to help us. Your greatest adversary is your greatest friend. Tap into your authenticity as a co-creator. The perception we have of ourselves is greater than the perception others have of us. That is the secret. Infinite waters diving deep...
evolving.
So i've been sick the past week. I came down with something last Saturday. I hung out with my boyfriend and we drank Scotch and went to Commerce Casino... he was getting over something he picked up from his niece. Anywho, i'm not sick much, and i feel much better. I even got to play lasertag with my boyfriend and his brother yesterday. It was really fun but also tiring after a few games. My inner competitiveness came out and I became less nice as usual.
Lately i've been dealing with a lot of personal challenges that have to do with me and baby's relationship. I really hope that i can overcome my own issues so that we can be happier. I think anything is possible since we both love each other so much. I'm always happy around him and i cant wait to move in with him, soon.
Lately i've been dealing with a lot of personal challenges that have to do with me and baby's relationship. I really hope that i can overcome my own issues so that we can be happier. I think anything is possible since we both love each other so much. I'm always happy around him and i cant wait to move in with him, soon.
Thursday, January 16, 2014
||| Emotional Music Beauty Touch - Beauty Of This World ( Part 4 ) ||| (...
It's been awhile and i've decided to post. I'm going through some things right now and initially felt an overwhelming need to talk to someone for advice and get some insight into my situation on how to make it better and feel better. I must admit life has been very challenging ever since my boyfriend got out of prison. Nothing is the same, and my whole world did change overnight. We just had a fight and it's our first big fight in awhile, and yes, it did end up with me sobbing, in tears, crying, tissues, the works. Sadly for me, i don't really have many friends, if any, that i feel comfortable turning to about my problems and completely reveal my life and myself in that way. I'm just not that close with people, and logically so, since i'm wary of opening up in the first place. I hardly feel comfortable turning to my family or cousins that i am close to. For some reason, even when i'm feeling really bad and facing difficult challenges- i don't turn to them at all, though i get a feeling they would help me. I wish i could, but i feel a sense of ownership over my problems and not wanting to burden them or bother them with whats going on with me.
I can definitely see how some people turn to committing suicide and killing themselves. I am not in any way saying that my problems are in any way on that caliber or that i am suicidal at all... just that i see how people feel like they cant turn to anyone and their problems seem so overwhelming. Luckily for me, i have the wisdom and strength to always see myself through every problem- and for that i am truly grateful, yes, to myself. Even just beginning to hash out these first few paragraphs to you i already feel an immediately relief. Along with playing some beautiful Ruth Barnett music from the 2009 Tom Hardy Wuthering Heights soundtrack, which is so beautiful that it makes me cry beautiful tears. It makes me realize and feel the beauty of my own soul. No one else in the world can make me feel better than I can, and truly, it is so empowering realizing this, because it is the truth. Even now, when i am upset, although i feel badly, it's an almost beautiful, romantic sadness. My emotions have become so beautified ever since transitioning away from processed foods. I am happy about this.
I realize that me, on my own, unadulterated by the influences of others, am relentlessly positive and have a strength and determination that causes me to look at myself in wonder and amazement... at everything i've ever accomplished. It fills me up with faith and gives me hope when i look beyond and envision the course of my life that is ahead. The easiest part is knowing that i choose to vibrate to the frequency of love, and that's the only road i ever want to take meanwhile my soul is participating in this divine experiment of consciousness. So i direct my intention and dedicate myself to the fulfillment of the most Divine. To the higher power whose hands direct the unfolding of this magnificently tended to planet Earth and the cosmic powers beyond it, my full attention goes to you.
I open myself up to allow all your blessings flow through to me, in whatever forms are deemed most necessary to the evolution of my soul, i know and feel you holding me in palm of your hand. All i need for the journey is for the strength to keep my faith that i am guided by a benevolent source of the highest of the highest forms of light and love. I welcome all teachers, healers, nurturers, and facilitators along the way... thank you for already guiding me into such loving arms- that only want the best for me. And give me the wisdom to heed good advice, and keep me clear and receptive to allowing the focus of all the greatest forms of light and love into my evolving state of consciousness. I thank you for all my blessings so far, for the presence of your angels in my dreams, and for the revealance of your word through the beautiful foods that i eat, and the loving beings i have in my life. Lastly, please allow me to continue doing your work with love and patience to all around me that i interact with. & Thank you for reaching me now and till forevermore.
A recording of dreams of this past month and beyond.
Today Jan. 16, 2014-
Last night i had a dream about Sna. We were sitting at a dinner table in someones dreary house and it was dark with dim lighting. No one was paying attention to us. He was across the table from me and we were talking, for the first time in awhile. I looked at him and understood his condition immediately. I told him that i've been struggling with meth for 5 years. He looked at me really sad and told me "that's why my aunt never really introduced us. Becus she was afraid we would use together. " We both looked at each other knowingly, in a way that only two addicts who have been through it would understand each other. It was a strong immediate bond and the impact i felt from that exchange gave me a surge of energy and faith. I woke up with a strong desire to reach out to him- i can only imagine why my soul would bring him to visit me in my dream.
Jan. 14, 2014-
I dreamt i was at some nighttime marathon at a park somewhere on a big expansive hill. Two groups of runners were going opposite directions at the blow of a whistle. I went in the same direction that Anastasia went in. Followed her and rolled it out in the end, winning the marathon, but no one noticed i finished first because everyone was still running the marathon. I looked up at the stars above and started to climb up the bunk up to Wynter's bed. No one was there.
Then in another dream i was on a speedboat with a few celebrities and someone fell asleep at the wheel and the boat crashed hard onto someone's roof and into their bathroom and we all fell into the tub. There was Cameron Diaz, Natalie Portman, and an unrecognizable male.
Jan. 2, 2014-
I dreamt that I saw Peanut and we were on a bus traveling to an unknown destination. The feeling was uneasy and bad and the sun was setting but it felt good to see someone i knew. He seemed really sad. We made a stop and i hopped off real quick to donate some goods to a shelter. I was going to get free workout books but woke up. Poor Peanuthead. :\
Last night i had a dream about Sna. We were sitting at a dinner table in someones dreary house and it was dark with dim lighting. No one was paying attention to us. He was across the table from me and we were talking, for the first time in awhile. I looked at him and understood his condition immediately. I told him that i've been struggling with meth for 5 years. He looked at me really sad and told me "that's why my aunt never really introduced us. Becus she was afraid we would use together. " We both looked at each other knowingly, in a way that only two addicts who have been through it would understand each other. It was a strong immediate bond and the impact i felt from that exchange gave me a surge of energy and faith. I woke up with a strong desire to reach out to him- i can only imagine why my soul would bring him to visit me in my dream.
Jan. 14, 2014-
I dreamt i was at some nighttime marathon at a park somewhere on a big expansive hill. Two groups of runners were going opposite directions at the blow of a whistle. I went in the same direction that Anastasia went in. Followed her and rolled it out in the end, winning the marathon, but no one noticed i finished first because everyone was still running the marathon. I looked up at the stars above and started to climb up the bunk up to Wynter's bed. No one was there.
Then in another dream i was on a speedboat with a few celebrities and someone fell asleep at the wheel and the boat crashed hard onto someone's roof and into their bathroom and we all fell into the tub. There was Cameron Diaz, Natalie Portman, and an unrecognizable male.
Jan. 2, 2014-
I dreamt that I saw Peanut and we were on a bus traveling to an unknown destination. The feeling was uneasy and bad and the sun was setting but it felt good to see someone i knew. He seemed really sad. We made a stop and i hopped off real quick to donate some goods to a shelter. I was going to get free workout books but woke up. Poor Peanuthead. :\
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
So today was another succesfull high carb low fat vegan day thanks to the good men and women above who made it possible. Been running more lately, eating more fruits and veggies than ever before, been praying more, and writing more letters... life is good. I'm just laying down the groundwork for a bright future and quite successfully might I add. I can't believe i'm so close to being with him. We've worked so hard for this, and our dream is finally coming closer and becoming a reality. :)
Saturday, November 23, 2013
recording my dreams.
So i'm going to briefly log in my dreams that i've had in the past 4 months, with them properly dated and all. I have dreams every night, sometimes with many dreams in one night consecutively, but I usually record particularly powerful ones, and i've found it very helpful to re-read old dreams from the past. I notice that much insight can be gained in the present by re-visiting old dreams from the past, which reveals to me that my dreams can be precognitive.:)
July 16, 2013: I dreamt my family moved into a new home with a large arched stone entrance in a nice gardened neighborhood. The dream had an antique, dreamlike old school feel to it.I moved into the backhouse, which was beyond a run-down overgrown backyard garden. The main house itself was very long, each room had a room leading to another room beyond it. I walked past the yard which had a long since dried out pool and entered the room in back, my room. It was still filled with stuff. It looked like it was still back in time from the furniture, like someone's office from the 1900's. I felt and vaguely saw the presence of 2 men. They were just sitting and staring. I didnt want to move in at all i was so scared of the lingering presences. The Harry Potter song was playing in that room, like a music box. It was just very creepy! Upon waking, i personally do believe that these places and spirits i visit in my sleep are actually actual places- either that existed in time, or in another world/place.
July 26, 2013: I dreamt i was with Noah in a night class. Math. We didn't have our textbooks. I realized quickly we were really unprepared. The male teacher was becoming visually and increasingly frustrated with us. I felt badly. I accessed Noah's vibration and he was very "off". I realize that this is something that is common when i dream about him. He is always off, getting lost, taking off on me, and generally just not physically, emotionally, or mentally present throughout the dream. I guess viewing him this way can be attributed to his being on a different reality then me in real life- due to his personal hobbies. I was constantly trying to meet him halfway- just to have normal interactions with him. Woke up with fresh pain from old wounds i thought had healed. I guess some pain hurts deeply and your soul will always remember. :(
July 26, 2013: Recurring dream, i'm in Hawaii. There are fireballs falling from the sky. I run into my house (Hawaii house) and jump into my indoor pool. The fire flames miss me because i have barely managed to dodge them but submerging into the water. I swim across to a secret island. I find a necklace and pearl- treasures!
October 03, 2013: In this dream i saw Rozelyn (I follow her on youtube). We wanted strawberries in the dream. Can't remember anything else but that i was pleased to meet her in my dream. Her videos really resonate with me.:)
This same night I also dreamed that Marvin cheated on me. I was really hurt. Hurt would be an understatement. The pain of being cheated on for some reason, for myself, is just infinitely more crushing than it would be in real life..somehow.
October 5, 2013: I dreamt i was at a graduation, being congratulated and all. These mean girls from my class took some stuff out of my bag. I somehow remotely viewed it. I said goodbye, heartfully to some good friends, then ran away from the graduation from being so upset. I crawled into my private room.
Pt. 2: I was in a house. It was so creepy alone and realized it was my room (in the dream, unfamiliar in real life). There are intricate decorations. I go to get water outside. The water machine was dented and there was a puddle of water on the carpet. Something is just not right. Then ran back through the crawlspace to my "room". I peek out and see durianrider outside my room, he has special shoes on.
October 6, 2013: I dreamt about a boyfriend who i dont know in real life. I lived with him in a small depressing house. I opened up his refrigerator and moved aside the pudding to find a hole in the back of the fridge which exposed a hole in the wall hiding a secret room. There was a ghost girl crawling behind in the next room. I closed to fridge door, hoping she didn't see me. I find my boyfriend to tell him and ask him what the heck is going on. He's white pale, and shaking. The looks like death. He is not normal i suddenly realized, he had wrinkly skin, and some kind of disroder/skin-nervouse system condition. He is trying to talk to me, but he stutters and i can't grasp a word he is saying.
October 11, 2013: In my dream i was bouncing all over the walls like in a video game. I felt powerful and in control. I realize i am not myself, but in the body of someone i used to know in high school, Nick Gaud3nz1. I'm bouncing around, flying all over the place to cities like Seattle and Frisco... being transported from city to city.
November 14, 2013: I dreamt i was living in a house with V1ll3nt. I notify him through wrist check that there are intruders outside that i sensed. I hand him a metal crowbar. We head outside.
Pt. Then i am at a school. The teacher is Lynette. The classroom was inside a huge laboratory submarine. Then someone blows up the submarine and there is a huge explosion from the inside. Many students die. We are actually in the ocean. Lynette quickly realizes that the woman assasin who detonated or threw the explosives was an operative fired 5 years ago. "They"/The powers that be reinstated the woman to kill Lynette. We agree to make her a stowaway to the airport with us on the next flight home to cali. I believe the other students are part of my soul class. Because of Lynette, she was my teacher.
November 20, 2013: I dreamt i was in a strange house with Torq and an unfamiliar chubby guy. They were in the process of showing me something when they knocked a lamp down. I guess Toru was there and he was scared by it and jumped up, clinging to a lamp on the ceiling, which electrocuted him! I ran up and was shocked to find his body hot, smoking, twisted grotesquely, and hardened by the electocution. I thought he was dead! I was veyr upset. I kept saying I'm so sorry baby! and massaging and holding him until he appeared to come back to life. I woke up to a hungry Toru, staring at me.
November 22, 2013: Okay, i dreamt i was living in a house somewhere that looked like Horshoe Canyon Road. The house was on the right side of the street up a hill. Jac1nda and a few of my other young cousins were sleeping over, which made me happy, but i decided to go outside and explore while they were sleeping. It was the middle of the night. Outside i saw two guys in front of their porch. Upon closer inspection it was M1cheal Branch! I try to make myself known but they quickly go back inside. I look to my right up the street and i see 2 puppies walking up the hlll. I quickly follow so i can get them safely off the road. They run off and disappear but i find a third infant puppy laying on the ground, barely moving. It looked like it was just a few days old! He was still breathing. I was happy and excited to take him "home". On my way back i find a moving truck witht the back cover fully lifted and jumped inside for a rest and to organize my backpack. I set the puppy down for a second and then a whole bunch of my guy friends step inside the truck too. I guess i knew them in the dream. They distracted me for a second and when i looked down at where the puppy was, i couldn't find him! We looked and when we found the little guy, he had been crushed by someone, possibly myself. :( He is dead and lifeless. Then i see a snake come out of the hole on top of a wooden crate. It is about a foot out of the crate and front its girth i estimated that it was definitely between 4-6 feet long, a giant! It was a shocking bright blood red color with popped out viscious eyes and fangs snared ready to chomp down. It appeared already agitated. I thought quickly, saw a pair of huge garden shear-scissors and grabbed it with my left hand. In stepping closer, the red giant viciously and quickly bites into my right hand! I use the scissors to cut him in half from the neck, but it was already too late, he had already pumped venom into my hand. He had bit me hard, not wanted to let go, even as he was already cut in half by me. I was in a state of frantic shock, wondering how quickly i had to get help, before the venom circulating inside me now would kill me. I woke up, considering that to have a dream like this, must be very powerful. I'll never forget that bright red, fiery hot intensity and agitation of that snake. Online research revealed that it might be a coral snake.
July 16, 2013: I dreamt my family moved into a new home with a large arched stone entrance in a nice gardened neighborhood. The dream had an antique, dreamlike old school feel to it.I moved into the backhouse, which was beyond a run-down overgrown backyard garden. The main house itself was very long, each room had a room leading to another room beyond it. I walked past the yard which had a long since dried out pool and entered the room in back, my room. It was still filled with stuff. It looked like it was still back in time from the furniture, like someone's office from the 1900's. I felt and vaguely saw the presence of 2 men. They were just sitting and staring. I didnt want to move in at all i was so scared of the lingering presences. The Harry Potter song was playing in that room, like a music box. It was just very creepy! Upon waking, i personally do believe that these places and spirits i visit in my sleep are actually actual places- either that existed in time, or in another world/place.
July 26, 2013: I dreamt i was with Noah in a night class. Math. We didn't have our textbooks. I realized quickly we were really unprepared. The male teacher was becoming visually and increasingly frustrated with us. I felt badly. I accessed Noah's vibration and he was very "off". I realize that this is something that is common when i dream about him. He is always off, getting lost, taking off on me, and generally just not physically, emotionally, or mentally present throughout the dream. I guess viewing him this way can be attributed to his being on a different reality then me in real life- due to his personal hobbies. I was constantly trying to meet him halfway- just to have normal interactions with him. Woke up with fresh pain from old wounds i thought had healed. I guess some pain hurts deeply and your soul will always remember. :(
July 26, 2013: Recurring dream, i'm in Hawaii. There are fireballs falling from the sky. I run into my house (Hawaii house) and jump into my indoor pool. The fire flames miss me because i have barely managed to dodge them but submerging into the water. I swim across to a secret island. I find a necklace and pearl- treasures!
October 03, 2013: In this dream i saw Rozelyn (I follow her on youtube). We wanted strawberries in the dream. Can't remember anything else but that i was pleased to meet her in my dream. Her videos really resonate with me.:)
This same night I also dreamed that Marvin cheated on me. I was really hurt. Hurt would be an understatement. The pain of being cheated on for some reason, for myself, is just infinitely more crushing than it would be in real life..somehow.
October 5, 2013: I dreamt i was at a graduation, being congratulated and all. These mean girls from my class took some stuff out of my bag. I somehow remotely viewed it. I said goodbye, heartfully to some good friends, then ran away from the graduation from being so upset. I crawled into my private room.
Pt. 2: I was in a house. It was so creepy alone and realized it was my room (in the dream, unfamiliar in real life). There are intricate decorations. I go to get water outside. The water machine was dented and there was a puddle of water on the carpet. Something is just not right. Then ran back through the crawlspace to my "room". I peek out and see durianrider outside my room, he has special shoes on.
October 6, 2013: I dreamt about a boyfriend who i dont know in real life. I lived with him in a small depressing house. I opened up his refrigerator and moved aside the pudding to find a hole in the back of the fridge which exposed a hole in the wall hiding a secret room. There was a ghost girl crawling behind in the next room. I closed to fridge door, hoping she didn't see me. I find my boyfriend to tell him and ask him what the heck is going on. He's white pale, and shaking. The looks like death. He is not normal i suddenly realized, he had wrinkly skin, and some kind of disroder/skin-nervouse system condition. He is trying to talk to me, but he stutters and i can't grasp a word he is saying.
October 11, 2013: In my dream i was bouncing all over the walls like in a video game. I felt powerful and in control. I realize i am not myself, but in the body of someone i used to know in high school, Nick Gaud3nz1. I'm bouncing around, flying all over the place to cities like Seattle and Frisco... being transported from city to city.
November 14, 2013: I dreamt i was living in a house with V1ll3nt. I notify him through wrist check that there are intruders outside that i sensed. I hand him a metal crowbar. We head outside.
Pt. Then i am at a school. The teacher is Lynette. The classroom was inside a huge laboratory submarine. Then someone blows up the submarine and there is a huge explosion from the inside. Many students die. We are actually in the ocean. Lynette quickly realizes that the woman assasin who detonated or threw the explosives was an operative fired 5 years ago. "They"/The powers that be reinstated the woman to kill Lynette. We agree to make her a stowaway to the airport with us on the next flight home to cali. I believe the other students are part of my soul class. Because of Lynette, she was my teacher.
November 20, 2013: I dreamt i was in a strange house with Torq and an unfamiliar chubby guy. They were in the process of showing me something when they knocked a lamp down. I guess Toru was there and he was scared by it and jumped up, clinging to a lamp on the ceiling, which electrocuted him! I ran up and was shocked to find his body hot, smoking, twisted grotesquely, and hardened by the electocution. I thought he was dead! I was veyr upset. I kept saying I'm so sorry baby! and massaging and holding him until he appeared to come back to life. I woke up to a hungry Toru, staring at me.
November 22, 2013: Okay, i dreamt i was living in a house somewhere that looked like Horshoe Canyon Road. The house was on the right side of the street up a hill. Jac1nda and a few of my other young cousins were sleeping over, which made me happy, but i decided to go outside and explore while they were sleeping. It was the middle of the night. Outside i saw two guys in front of their porch. Upon closer inspection it was M1cheal Branch! I try to make myself known but they quickly go back inside. I look to my right up the street and i see 2 puppies walking up the hlll. I quickly follow so i can get them safely off the road. They run off and disappear but i find a third infant puppy laying on the ground, barely moving. It looked like it was just a few days old! He was still breathing. I was happy and excited to take him "home". On my way back i find a moving truck witht the back cover fully lifted and jumped inside for a rest and to organize my backpack. I set the puppy down for a second and then a whole bunch of my guy friends step inside the truck too. I guess i knew them in the dream. They distracted me for a second and when i looked down at where the puppy was, i couldn't find him! We looked and when we found the little guy, he had been crushed by someone, possibly myself. :( He is dead and lifeless. Then i see a snake come out of the hole on top of a wooden crate. It is about a foot out of the crate and front its girth i estimated that it was definitely between 4-6 feet long, a giant! It was a shocking bright blood red color with popped out viscious eyes and fangs snared ready to chomp down. It appeared already agitated. I thought quickly, saw a pair of huge garden shear-scissors and grabbed it with my left hand. In stepping closer, the red giant viciously and quickly bites into my right hand! I use the scissors to cut him in half from the neck, but it was already too late, he had already pumped venom into my hand. He had bit me hard, not wanted to let go, even as he was already cut in half by me. I was in a state of frantic shock, wondering how quickly i had to get help, before the venom circulating inside me now would kill me. I woke up, considering that to have a dream like this, must be very powerful. I'll never forget that bright red, fiery hot intensity and agitation of that snake. Online research revealed that it might be a coral snake.
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